Under the Grief….. Anger


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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

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Get Out!


images (3)I’m  tired of feeling so much anger and rage inside that it spews out like venom.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control even though I am told I can get control.

I’m tired of feeling exhausted from all the crap that has been flying around me the last 3 or 4 days. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I’m tired of feeling the pain and heartache of things I didn’t ask for nor had control of.

I’m tired of feeling short fused, to the point that I want out of my own skin.

GET OUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY!

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I started to work on trust with my therapist and it brought up some very painful, uncomfortable feelings for me. I realize that if I want to get through to the other side of life, I have to work through this, but to be honest, having an argument, seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist in one day and then today was my eating disorder group, too much has been stirred up.

Plain and simple GET OUT!

Moods

Full Jars


 I’ve been experiencing anger and rage more than I like. I don’t like how it affects me, or how the emotion is shown.  At my therapist appointment this morning, I expressed how I feel like my anger is on my shoulders, like two torpedoes at the ready. My therapist commented that I’ve had a lot of emotions bottled up for a very, very long time. It seems that my anger is revealing that it is ready to start to work on what’s inside each jar. So I visualized my brain completely full of jars, labelled and inside pieces of paper with comments that are now needing attention.

We talked about a timeline and on the lower side I will write the negative words that I feel and the age that I first felt that emotion. Above, would be words that are healthy and resilient. I don’t need to open every jar all at once, my therapist said to simply choose the “easiest” jar and open it. The idea is whatever comes out of that jar, I need to sit with that emotion, however, before I do any of this work, it is imperative that I have my self care at the ready because opening up a jar, sitting with the emotion, at times will be very difficult, but the idea is to help me with starting to feel emotions, and less with the numbness that has been my shield for so long.

I’m not sure where to begin, I know it won’t be today, but it will start, I just hope I figure out what age I want to start at and if it is attainable at that moment with the notion that each piece of paper I pull out of a jar, I will visualize taking a clothes peg and hanging it out on the line as a way of reminding me that I am starting the process of healing.

BPD is really hard and I want to be in control of my emotions and not the other way around.

What is Psychotherapy


I’ve had several years of psychotherapy or “talk therapy” and it has helped in various ways. I’m presently involved with trauma therapy (which some will say PTSD) which has been painful but I know that in order to help me process locked emotions that have been within me for a very long time.

Below is an article on the topic.

Psychotherapy is treatment for mental health problems in which a  mental health professional helps you change how you think, feel and behave using methods based on psychological, biological and social theories and research. Research shows that changing one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours reduces or eliminates symptoms of many mental healthy problems and improves quality of life. Psychotherapy is also used successfully to help people cope with or overcome life problems, such as adjusting to a health issues or overcoming discrimination, bullying or abuse, to name just a few. However, this article focuses only on mental health problems.

Psychotherapy is sometimes referred to as “counselling”, sometimes as “talk therapy” and sometimes simply as “therapy”. While these terms tend to be used interchangeably, the term “counselling” has also been used more broadly to describe supportive conversations between a health professional and the client.  These might focus on regular medication intake, housing issues or helping navigate the health system. These types of counselling, while helpful, would not qualify as psychotherapy because they are not meant to treat mental health problems.

Psychotherapy is one of the best treatments for mental health problems. This statement is supported by 50 years’ worth of research. The question is not if psychotherapy works, but how.

How does psychotherapy work?

Researchers have different views about how and why psychotherapy works. The “active ingredients” in psychotherapy can be broadly grouped into specific and common factors. Knowing about these “active ingredients” can help choose a psychotherapy service that is a good fit for you.

Specific factors

Many researchers say that psychotherapy works because it offers carefully assembled interventions tailored for specific mental health problems. An example of an intervention would be when the therapist teaches the client how to challenge worrying thoughts by comparing them to facts. A different example is when the therapist and the client explore patterns in the client’s relationships across time. Another intervention would be when the therapist teaches the client strategies to become more aware of their emotions.

These interventions are called “specific factors” because they differ from one psychotherapy to another. A “psychotherapy” to another.  A “psychotherapy” is understood here as a group of interventions. Researchers who study specific factors compare different psychotherapies (e.g., cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, etc) to each other to find the most effective psychotherapy for a specific mental health problem.

Common Factors

Other psychotherapy researchers believe that therapy works because of “common factors” that are shared across psychotherapies. According to these researchers, most psychotherapies can be helpful for most problems because the effectiveness lies in the art of how psychotherapy is done, not which interventions are used.

An example of common factor is positive, honest relationship between the therapist and the client, who are working toward the same goal. An example of a common factor is a positive, honest relationship between the therapist and the client, who are working toward the same goal. Another common factor is when the therapist and the client develop a shared understanding of the client’s problem and the way it can be changed. Yet another is when the client is given an opportunity to practice and master new skills that help overcome their problem. Research supports the importance of common factors. For example, studies consistently show that a strong therapeutic relationship between the therapist and the client leads to better outcomes in various therapies and problems.

In addition, some researchers have shown that, when some aspects of research design are improved, psychotherapies might not be as different from each other in their effectiveness as those who study “specific factors” believe they are.

How do I choose a psychotherapy that works for me?

Choosing a psychotherapy service can be overwhelming at first. So it can be helpful to use a guide such as some approaches used by therapists. One approach therapists use to decide how to work with a specific client is called evidence-based practice (EBP). EBP specifies three types of information that can help decide on the appropriate psychotherapy: 1) client characteristics 2) research evidence, and 3) therapist’s clinical expertise. EBP has been recommended by the American and Canadian psychological associations and is also used in the field of medicine, where is originated. Although the principles of the EBP were designed to help clinicians, they can also be useful for clients who are deciding on the best psychotherapy service to meet their needs.

Here are some therapist and client characteristics that, according to research, affect outcomes in psychotherapy. You might want to consider them when choosing a psychotherapy service that meets your needs.

The therapist

Research suggests that the person who is delivering therapy has an impact on the treatment’s success. Most effective therapists are empathic, accepting genuine, able to speak with you directly about any misunderstandings that happen between the two of you and able to see strengths in your cultural worldview. They are also highly skilled, but not rigid, in the therapies that they provide. They will challenge you or invite you to step outside your comfort zone.

You can monitor to see whether your therapist has these qualities. If you are not “clicking” with your therapist, it can be very helpful for both of you to have a conversation about this.

The client

You, as the client, are the most important ingredient of change in psychotherapy. You are the one who does most of the work. Studies show that clients with better outcomes understand their problems similarly to the way their therapist views them, but are also open to changing these understandings. They are motivated and have optimistic but not idealistic expectations toward therapy (unless they have depression, because negative expectations are part of the disorder).

Reviewing your attitudes toward psychotherapy can help you assess if this is a good treatment for you.

Finding a “fit” – It’s worth making an effort

Psychotherapies and therapists vary in their styles of work — and your preferences in how you would like to work matter. You might meet with several therapists before you find a good fit.  A good fit means that you feel respected and supported by your therapist and ‘buy into’ the psychotherapy approach enough to work hard and step outside your comfort zone. You might decide to choose a psychotherapy that was successfully studied with a problem like yours.

While choosing a service might not be easy, it is worth the effort — psychotherapy is, after all, one of the most effective treatments available for mental health problems. That is particularly true when you find a good combination of specific and common factors that match your needs.

Written by Karolina Rozworska, MA

I must admit, I found this article very interesting as I never had any of this information on my journey to finding a therapist.

He’s Dead …. next


I heard those words, just like that, for the first time in my life. It hit me hard.

I’ve always said my father passed away, I guess it just sounded softer than “he’s dead”. My last couple of blog entries have been about loyalty and betrayal. I even had a moment of tears well up, when asked what was I feeling, I said that I was feeling tired, tired of the confusion, tired of feeling sad, hurt, angry and any other emotion that doesn’t come out very often.

It’s hard to see that the only person I would be betraying is myself, I’ve always felt the complete opposite.

I’m working on accepting what was said to me and I know that at some point, I will go forward for me.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference


A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/loyalty/ … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

Loyalty


Atychiphobia – Its is also the fear of failure.

I don’t know if this an attribute to my mental health issues or not, but ever since I was a child, there are some things I am fiercely loyal to, one of them was my father and keeping his last name when my mother asked if I would like to be adopted by our step father. I felt that I would be dishonoring my father and his memory, I also said that I would only change my name when I got married.

I am now feeling anxious at the thought of going back to karate.I have always felt this intense loyalty to my craft in that going to another dojo would be wrong and be disrespectful to my Sensei and my fellow members. I think this may have more to do with feeling comfortable and being in familiar surroundings or is it something else? As I type this, I feel my heartbeat increasing, butterflies in my stomach, just a very uncomfortable feeling and I don’t like it.

How do I overcome this fear of change?

I am really troubled by these feelings and feeling trapped and isolated within myself. Perhaps my trauma therapist or counsellor can help me figure this out?