Under the Grief….. Anger

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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.


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The Perils Of Christmas

The holidays are almost over and I for one can’t wait. I spent a couple of hours with my cousin and her family for dinner and then came home, where I wanted to be.  It was good to see them, their extended family and her children, who couldn’t bee any sweeter.

See, I’ve been in a bad place for a few weeks now, and I’m trying to rise above it, yet it is very, very hard.

I had a dream that I had committed suicide. I had left yellow stickiest saying “suicide” on them. I’ve never had a dream like that before. I still see my “white rope” in my minds eye and have no intentions of taking my life.

I had an invitation for Christmas Eve, but I couldn’t make myself walk out the door. However, a message was sent to me that made me realize I do matter when I thought I don’t.

My bio family just doesn’t seem to get me or my mental illness. On Christmas Eve when I sent out messages of Christmas Cheer, not once was I asked how I was, what were my plans, would i like to join them or simply how are you doing? I relayed that I wasn’t in a good head space right now and the reply was that I could call tomorrow or in a few days.

Food wise, I’ve eaten but not to excess. Last night and today I’ve not been feeling that well and am hoping it is a simple bug that is working its way out of my system. Overall I’ve not had a huge interest in food, however, meaning my eating disorder is running my behaviors right now.

Now on to New Years Eve. I’m already thinking to this date and deciding what I am doing.

12 Easy Steps To Self Care

Self Care is not about self – indulgence, its about self-preservation 

Audrey Lorde – EmpowerLounge.com

 bows  I  know that we are all approaching the busiest and most stressful time of the year. With that comes over extending ourselves and not taking care of our own mental, physical and emotional health.

I am going to be making sure to use as many of these 12 Steps to Self Care and if you can, I would encourage you to.

  1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it
  2. Say “exactly” what you mean
  3. Don’t be a people pleaser
  4. Trust your instincts
  5. Never speak bad about yourself
  6. Never give up on your dreams
  7. Don’t be afraid to say “No”
  8. Don’t be afraid to say “Yes”
  9. Be kind to yourself
  10. Let go of what you can’t control
  11. Stay away from drama and negativity
  12. LOVE


Feeling Disappointed

Holidays, you know what those are, the time where some see family; me not so much.

A couple of nights ago, my spouse and I were talking about me travelling with him out of state to visit his family (specifically his daughter who is under 12) for Christmas. It is fees-able for one of us to go, but by the time we add our dogs to the kennel, update their shots the price pretty much jumps to twice plus. ,We have been together for 5 years (this month) and I’ve not had a holiday spent with him. Same for New Years. Last year I decided to start decorating my home to help me feel more festive (my birthday is the 23rd of Dec.) as well as my childhood favorite Christmas shows. I’m a huge Peanut’s fan and one of my favorites shows is “A Year Without a Santa Clause”. I really believe these are what help me cope.

I also would feel terrible leaving my dogs for 2 weeks in a kennel and not seeing them on Christmas. My cats are independent but they are worthy of love and cat nip lol. See for me, my animals are my children. I don’t see them just as fur and such, I see them as living, breathing, loving “children”. When they hurt, I hurt.

But I am also feeling disappointed (yet again) at not being with my spouse. I want to have a Christmas at our house, with everything, his daughter, decorations, creating memories for all of us.

Unfortunately, that is not meant to be.



Christmas 2013 is now to a close and I for one have never been happier. I am a lot more aware than I have ever realized before and yet I am conflicted.

For a very long time my daddy was on a pedestal, I idolized him, adored him, he could do no wrong in my eyes. I fought anyone who tried to tell me different. Through years of therapy, I went through a very painful experience of repressed memories. Things weren’t as they seemed.

That’s happened again…..

Through relationships, I have had 2 long term partners be placed in the role of knight and shining armor. Someone who protected me, someone who looked out for me, someone who I thought made me feel safe. I looked through the abuse and heartache always giving that person the benefit no matter what they have done.

Fast forward to Christmas 2013

I have always looked up to a family member, my little girl would always say how she would feel special when time was spent with her coloring and singing Christmas carols. That same moment has played over and over, year after year. Like a groundhog day moment.

This year, my little girl stood holding my hand, and we watched the room where we were. Conversations were flowing, children laughing can be heard all through the house. But I just listened and took in the moment and for the very first time, I really saw someone for who they really are; a normal, everyday person, who has troubles with his sons, and is no different than me or anyone else.

This is huge for me.

I have starved for a male role model my whole life I wanted my daddy and can see how I’ve sought it out in those who have dated me, became in a relationship with me, to an ex husband saying that when I asked for a divorce his words to me were “you don’ t need your dad anymore”. He was right.

I don’t have happy Christmas’ memories as an adult. Its not by choice. All I’ve ever wanted was my own family to create traditions with, memories of and moments to share.

I did spend a few hours with family and it did help, I got my wish and enjoyed a dinner complete with all the traditional fixings. It did help to see the kids laughing, reminding me of the true reason for the Season, it did help to catch up and see where friends and family are at. I learned that the unfortunates of one member is not looking so good, my hope and wish is he will get the help he needs, because quite honestly I don’t think the family could take another death by self inflection.




The Words Inside of Me

Random words fill the page, knowing they need to be spewed out of me or I may com bust. The last week has been horrible, actually as soon as Remembrance Day is over, then my internal hell starts. 

Between the shortbread out on store shelves, the decorations adorn throughout the stores, the stirrings of hope of a different holiday experience, to the realities that it won’t be, the emotions and negative voices doing what they do best, its a wonder that I even wake up on Christmas.

Now to “just get through” the day. I remind myself there are people far worse than I, yet I hear inside my own head that what I am feeling is completely human. If it is so human, why does it happen?

I have my own home, I have my pets, my bills are paid, I have food in my fridge, I have nothing to be ungrateful for and yet my heart and my emotions, feel the longing to belong as they have my whole life. To fit in and know that what is your family, really is your family; that it isn’t some temporary fix bound to come apart because the band aid gave away.

My depression takes on a mind of its own, its not as simple as getting up and going to see friends or loved ones. Moreover I don’t think many understand what a person with mental *feels* on the inside; the wanting to go and do things, see friends who may be having an open house, but the fear, yes I said fear, although makes no sense to a lot of you, will make sense to those who struggle, like I do.

Part of me wants to spew venomous words of anger, hurt, frustration and fear hoping that the message will be understood, but what I want to be felt and what I know will happen aren’t the same. So I write, but today I write because I can’t take the emotions and turmoil inside of me.




Birthdays, Christmas and BPD

My birthday is on Monday, the 23rd of December, I don’t have memories of birthday parties or presents from childhood friends. Christmas, when I was a young child, I remember family, playing bingo, laughter and memories. Living with BPD, I can tell you that the last few years, I’ve spent alone, sad and depressed.

My spouse is leaving for the holidays on Sunday, to spend it with his family. I’ve put out a request to my cousin to spend Christmas dinner with her and her family.

This time of year sucks, always has for me more so as an adult, on top of BPD, my mood swings have been really severe. I’ve swung from being super angry, to feeling intense emotions on the verge of tears, yet nothing happens.

The only thing that keeps me grounded is my pets, without them, I would be nothing.