Self Esteem

I know my self esteem is low and I know that I have worked on several levels of my mental state on my path to wellness. I have started to see how my self sabotage and self esteem are the crux of decisions I make. 

Right now my self esteem is very low, as it has been for a long time. I went through all my clothes yesterday and tossed out all clothes that no longer fit me. It was so upsetting to see the various clothes that I have worn and can’t now due to my 50lb weight gain :(. I look at my drawers now and there is barely anything in there. The same goes for my closet. 

I have ruminated in my head how did this happen? Well I know how it happened. Radical hysterectomy has caused the onset of full menopause and its non happy attachments. Night sweats, hot flashes, sugar cravings late at night, bloating, low energy, mood swings, and those are just the ones I remember (when I haven’t forgotten something as simple as what brought me to writing this blog today). 

As  was going through the clothes at my local Value Village today. I felt dread and that feeling of not sure if I was going to cry on the spot or throw up. I have never ever been a size anything larger than a 12. Not today….. I’m actually up from that :(. 

I know the problem is within my head combined with an eating disorder is causing me to feel so incredibly low and the hatred of my body brings me that much lower. I do  not feel attractive, I’m all about ready to just plain give up. Yet, I keep trying to see if I can figure it out on a natural/holistic level. 

Being estrogen dominant isn’t helping my situation either. 

I have felt the emotions rising to the base of my voice box and I sigh.. a lot. I feel the warmth around my eyes…. but no tears. I feel trapped within my own body of numbness, perhaps afraid of the anger/rage that is within me. 

I feel very short fused, I can’t seem to shake this mood. 

My self esteem and self worth have been wrapped up in how I look on the outside because that is what I had control over and so for many, many years I controlled what I ate and what I wore and how I wore it. I don’t have control over what has happened. 

I called the Fraser Valley Eating Disorder program this morning. I really wanted to speak to a therapist about what I was feeling and if there are some kind of coping tools that I could try using as anything I have been trying to use, were not helping me get through the intense emotions. Unfortunately there is virtually no staff in this week, however,  the admin I spoke to said she was going to put a message to the therapist who will be in on Friday and have her call me. She also said there may be someone in tomorrow and if that is the case, I will hear something from that person. 

In the meantime, I still can’t shake this feeling of dread and let down. I hate what I have become. A shell of someone I don’t even know, or understand. My common sense and my deep core issues, although not healthy, they are the ones running my emotions. 



Shame and how it robs me

I am working hard on myself. All areas of my life. Some days kick my ass hard core, some days I can handle not too bad. 

I’m working on my physical shape, working on my inner self, both are starting to show the results of hard work, to which I am greatful for. 

Yet, my boyfriend and I have been invited out to see friends, and I have no interest in going. I don’t get it. So I have told him to go without me. 

I don’t know how to look past the shame within me at my core. I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel attractive. I still can’t look at myself in the mirror from my neck down.  I know that my boyfriend says people miss me and I’m sure they do, however, I just can’t seem to give myself permission to go to places where friends will be. 

I can give myself permission to go to therapy, to go to the gym, to the grocery store, but I can’t give myself permission to socialize? 

Shame, it has me really confused.