Get Out!

images (3)I’m  tired of feeling so much anger and rage inside that it spews out like venom.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control even though I am told I can get control.

I’m tired of feeling exhausted from all the crap that has been flying around me the last 3 or 4 days. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I’m tired of feeling the pain and heartache of things I didn’t ask for nor had control of.

I’m tired of feeling short fused, to the point that I want out of my own skin.



I started to work on trust with my therapist and it brought up some very painful, uncomfortable feelings for me. I realize that if I want to get through to the other side of life, I have to work through this, but to be honest, having an argument, seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist in one day and then today was my eating disorder group, too much has been stirred up.

Plain and simple GET OUT!



Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

What Forgiveness is Not

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I have come to realize forgiveness is not an easy task. I have come to realize that there are many things I can forgive, but there are core issues that I hold so tight, they scare me.

So I admit I have A LOT of work to do.

Below is a list of what forgiveness is not provided in a recent session I was in.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. So nothing has been able to turn back the clock and remove the unpleasant incidents from your life histories, and forgiveness will not do that either.  We cannot forget, nor should we. Those experiences, and even the pain caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimized again and about not victimizing others.

Forgetting is not condoning. In fact, true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying or condoning the actions that harmed us.

Forgiveness is not absolution. When we forgive the people who hurt us, we d not “let them off the hook”. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace the past. What’s more, “I absolve you” are words spoken from atop our mountain of self-righteousness and demonstrate that we have not yet healed our wounds or let go of the pain from the past. They let us play God, a benevolent got this time rather than a punitive one, but still a god who judges then condemns or absolves the sinner. Absolution is just another way to be “one up” on the people who hurt us. And that is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice. Forgiveness is not swallowing our true feelings and playing the martyr. The “grin and bear it” approach forgiveness makes life less joyful and more difficult. Actual forgiveness has the opposite effect and cannot be undertaken halfheartedly. We either forgive or we don’t. Being honest about not being ready to forgive yet is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive.

Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision. It cannot be forced. Forgiveness happens naturally as a result of confronting painful past experiences and healing old wounds.

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Starting to recognize when my BPD is rearing its ugly head

I’ve started to recognize when my BPD is wanting to over take my thoughts. I was talking to my spouse and I told him that I really want to stay present (in our conversation) but I found myself feeling angry, abandoned and frustrated with our conversation. The details of the conversation don’t really matter, what matters is that I said out loud that I am struggling to stay present at this moment.

We continued to talk some more and it helped to think about other ways to stay present. My spouse said perhaps I may need to radically accept that the situation is what it is and that I don’t have control over it. That is very true, but I tell you my BPD, would just kick in its thoughts all negative and very destructive.

I don’t know how things will turn out with our conversation, I hope there will be calmness and understanding. For now, I am trying to settle the emotions I feel on the inside.

I am writing today so I can get the thoughts out and also be able to reflect when I have a bad next time. That I can see that there can be progress, even when I feel like there isn’t.


Working through bad feelings – Mental Health

My emotions are surface; a moment they are full of rage and anger; the next tears are welling up at moments of unexpectedness.

Here in Canada, Monday is Thanksgiving. It is the start of the major Holiday season. I do not do well with holidays period. Holidays have represented family, family get togethers, family traditions, a time where everyone was together, even if they didn’t like the other, they still were there.

I don’t have that anymore. In fact, I seldom see my family or have dinner with them. When I speak of family I mean my immediate family. My cousins etc., I do hear from fairly often via social media.

Recently I had a connection with my family and it felt nice. It was strange and at first uncomfortable, because I have been on my own for so long, that I wasn’t sure I could trust. It appears it is short lived. As much as I reminded myself that I wouldn’t get my hopes up for an invitation to spend some time with my family, I am disappointed. I reminded myself several times that I did not want to go back into the past and be the woman who sat in tears hoping and praying the phone would ring.

I’m not going to lie the tears I felt yesterday and today (especially the ones today), I’m not 100% sure what they are over.

I did go look at my list of things that I could do physically to help get the emotions out of my body.

  • I chose to rip newspapers
  • I chose to cook dinner
  • I chose to walk all 3 of my dogs one at a time (I began to feel each foot placement and visualize the anger leaving)
  • I chose to write in my offline journal
  • I chose to clean my blinds with Clorox wipes (wow did they need it!)
  • I chose to continue with a novel I’ve been reading and have already chosen the next one.

I just need to remind myself it is just another day and I will get through it. If I need to reach out to someone I know I can.


Living With Values


What are my values:

Answering this question can be difficult. We are not asking you about your morals, beliefs, or philosophy. Values refer to actions-what you do. If you don’t act on your values then these are just empty beliefs. Think about the areas of your life that are deeply important to you. These are the things that make your life worth living, that you cherish and nature and you would act to defend if necessary.

Living a life with intention:

Intention is a life force that defines what you want your life to mean in the world and how you want your behavior to represent the values that you cherish.

Choose 3 values that you hold in highest priority:

  1. ____________________________________
  2. ____________________________________
  3. ____________________________________

How satisfied are you with the way you are living within those values?


How do your current behaviors match up with your intentions?


If there is a discrepancy, how do you want to make a change so that you life and behaviors tie in with your intentions?


Lastly what steps can I take to behave more in accordance with a value that I strongly believe in?


At times in my mental health/illness problems and the pit of my darkness, I admit I’ve shown behaviors that I would say aren’t apart of what I have begun to learn are my values.  I’ve begun to realize that as I work through issues, my values become calmer and something I am proud of.

I do struggle, I do have to remind myself that having good thoughts doesn’t mean I need to sabotage them. What this teaches me or has been teaching me is I am worth having values and being valued for who I am.

value-self forgiveness


I’m a touch frustrated this morning. Yesterday, it seems my comment setting somehow was turned off when other times it was on; thereby those wanting to leave comments couldn’t *grr*

I woke up in a rage, I’ve been working this morning on figuring out why I’ve been feeling this way. Until it comes to me, I chose to take the dogs one by one for a walk in the rain. One of my dogs is very passive aggressive and figures she’s the boss, so its been a battle of wits in asserting my alpha with her.

When I speak of alpha, I do not use violence with any of my animals, which in the past when my temper would flare, I would throw things and it scared me at how angry I could be and how I was able to lift things that normally I would not be able to. This is when I realized I didn’t like being that person and had to seek more help in finding out why I was that way.

That is when I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. Not just because I was angry, but some of the other traits I showed.

Then I learned through tests etc, I was diagnosed Bipolar II.

So I have been working through my emotions this morning.

  • Talked to a friend
  • Took my dogs out for a walk
  • Watched a comedy on tv
  • Went on social media to ready some positive topics.

I have reminded myself that I am worthy and that this will pass. I know it will.