Under the Grief….. Anger


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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

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Bad Reaction


I have had a set back a big one with my eating disorder recovery. I realize its a journey and there will be times when stuff like this happens, yet the difference is now I could see what was causing it, but I didn’t stop it.  I did admit in my eating disorder group what happened without going into detail as I didn’t want to trigger anyone. The facilitator said that its hard when a “wave” happens when we are trying to find a tiny piece of positive to take away from moments that are difficult.

As our session continued we talked about Body Image and all the different ways it affects who we are. I felt very intense emotions. We then went onto to talk about ways to make sure your child has a great body image. I shut down. I just couldn’t give any answers that would be positive because I struggled to even think what a positive body image comment would be.

I left feeling very angry, not wanting to talk to anyone; I just wanted to be alone.

When I got home, I was bitchy, obviously reactive still from our session. I started to work quickly in my garden, clearing my tomato plant leaves that are dead, checking the remaining plants, picking up pine cones and dead branches as well as planting my daffodils for next year. It always feels good when I am left alone in my element.

I guess that is what you would call being compassionate; something I am not very good at. I’m still stuck at the “you deserve it” voice code.

So how does one become compassionate with themselves? How does one accept that what is going on is a moment and that it is ok to go back to things that are old behaviors and are fine to use but not stay in? How is it ok to acknowledge how and what you are feeling, especially if you struggle with expressing your feelings? It’s not easy to put things into perspective, when your emotions are so intense that it is hard to remind yourself that this moment will pass; especially when it goes longer than “a moment”.

I know last night and today I have felt a lot of doubt. My thoughts and feelings definitely have wanted to give up. The one thing that came to mind is that I deserve to feel the way I do and the other was “go ahead, no one is going to know but me”. So you can see how difficult it is when there is no balance.

One of the things I often forget to do is BREATH. When I’m in the moment where I am triggered, I am so engaged with that thought, that breathing is the last thing I think of. I know that it has been suggested that I take a moment and take 3 deep breaths because it will help my mind and body to relax and to calm down.  Now if I can just remember to do that!

I don’t know about you, but I talk to myself; sometimes it is encouraging and empowering; last night/today “not so much”. I haven’t found a positive tool to go to when I talk to myself in a negative way. I don’t like talking to myself in front of a mirror,  I just know that as I learn new and continuing coping skills, I too will learn to love myself.

I got lost


LostNo worries, nothing bad happened to me.

I think with the tail end of my therapy groups, the very hot weather where I live, my spouse has been away for 7 weeks, plus changing my eating and exercising habits, I suddenly had no desire to write because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the blogging sphere.

So today is the first time in a long time that I feel down. Hard to say exactly what has brought it on, but I am reminding myself that its ok to feel down, and pamper myself.

My garden has done ok, but my strawberries and sugar peas didn’t do well, the hot weather whithered them. Yet my cherry tomatoes and beef steak tomatoes are flourishing. I also have my very first green pepper growing!

I have started working with a new therapist. I’ve had 3 sessions with her and I’m just not sure about her. She isn’t into “talk therapy” she is more about working on the inside and bringing out the emotions that are trapped deep within me. She explained a lot to me yesterday about how we will go about things, which I understand better.

However, when we were booking my next session, the time she offered I said I couldn’t because I had a psychiatrist appointment. She commented if it was talk therapy and I said no, its more about medication checking, seeing how I am etc. She asked if he is open to me coming off of them, I said ultimately I would like that but I do realize that may not happend and I am truly at peace with that. I told her I am bipolar II and that I have been diagnosed borderline personality. She said she doesn’t work with labels and that they don’t exist. I said of course they do, its genetic in my family. She replied that when a person is in love or is sad, we don’t medicate them do we? I said no, but that is completely different.

I exercise everyday and I know i have an addiction, yet it has also helped me in many ways.  i feel more energetic, I get out of the house and take my dogs to an off leash park three to four times a week weather depending. I’ve joined weight watchers and it has really improved my way of eating and the support group is my favorite activity. I am encouraged when others overcome an obstacle I may be going through or may go through at some point. I’ve started becoming more aware of what my body does when I am overtired, how it craves surgar and how my eating disorder will play into that.

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to be re-entered into the eating disorder program. This is my second time going into it. I’m ok with that because now I am familiar with some of what is covered so it won’t be so overwheming. Its still for 18 months.

So tell me, what’s new with you?

What Forgiveness is Not


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I have come to realize forgiveness is not an easy task. I have come to realize that there are many things I can forgive, but there are core issues that I hold so tight, they scare me.

So I admit I have A LOT of work to do.

Below is a list of what forgiveness is not provided in a recent session I was in.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. So nothing has been able to turn back the clock and remove the unpleasant incidents from your life histories, and forgiveness will not do that either.  We cannot forget, nor should we. Those experiences, and even the pain caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimized again and about not victimizing others.

Forgetting is not condoning. In fact, true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying or condoning the actions that harmed us.

Forgiveness is not absolution. When we forgive the people who hurt us, we d not “let them off the hook”. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace the past. What’s more, “I absolve you” are words spoken from atop our mountain of self-righteousness and demonstrate that we have not yet healed our wounds or let go of the pain from the past. They let us play God, a benevolent got this time rather than a punitive one, but still a god who judges then condemns or absolves the sinner. Absolution is just another way to be “one up” on the people who hurt us. And that is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice. Forgiveness is not swallowing our true feelings and playing the martyr. The “grin and bear it” approach forgiveness makes life less joyful and more difficult. Actual forgiveness has the opposite effect and cannot be undertaken halfheartedly. We either forgive or we don’t. Being honest about not being ready to forgive yet is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive.

Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision. It cannot be forced. Forgiveness happens naturally as a result of confronting painful past experiences and healing old wounds.

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How does being defensive help you?


Do you get defensive when someone questions you? Using your defensive skills may help your mental illness or eating disorder function in several ways.

  1. Denial: You completely reject the thought or feeling. “My eating disorder isn’t that big a problem; I can make it stop if I really put my mind to it.”
  2. Suppression: You are vaguely aware of the thought or feeling, but try to hide it. “My “X” is causing my friends to stop calling me but it hurts to feel the truth, so I don’t think about it much.”
  3. Reaction Formation: You turn the feeling into its opposite. “I’m just fine: happy, in control and bound to become more popular/successful.” 
  4. Projection: You think someone else has your thought or feeling. “I can’t believe how obsessed my aunt is with food and weight.”
  5. Displacement: You redirect your feelings to another target. “The problem isn’t my ED; it is that my parents to invasive and controlling.”
  6. Rationalization: you come up with various explanations to justify the situation (while denying your feelings). “Having a mental illness and/or eating disorder helps me develop self-control, which it will be useful to succeed in life.”
  7. Intellectualization: A type of rationalization, only more intellectualized. “My mental health disorder/eating disorder has arisen because of extensional confusion and I need it because it gives me life structure and meaning.”
  8. Regression: You revert to an old, usually immature behavior to ventilate your feelings. “Life is too hard and I just want to be taken care of.” 

Personally, I can relate to all of these at one time or another.

How about you? Can you relate to any of these? If so, which one(s) and why.

Have an amazing day!

Overwhelmed and feeling Depressed


GreenWelcomeI know I am remiss in keeping my blog up to date. This week has been busy with group dialogue and learning. Between learning how to ground when you feel anxious, to where on a scale of 1 to 10 not to mention learning what defense mechanism that may function with my eating disorder, I just needed some time to process and by process I mean, not look at anything til today.

I’ve been reading 50 Shades of Grey and I know why I am, it is to escape and let my brain relax. I’ve read books 2 and 3 and saw the movie on Valentine’s Day with my love. Now, I’m reading Book 1. I know, I’m weird lol, but for me now I can visually see the actors in all their parts, plus I can see what the movie didn’t include.

I digress.

I hit a car last weekend. I should reiterate, I hit the bumper as I was reversing backwards to the road, I didn’t realize at first and when I was notified I went and returned to where it happened. It will be handled though my insurance, just not thrilled that even though my liability will take care of everything, it does mean it will go up :(.

Yesterday, I was short fused and I could feel it. Everything has been irritating me and I hate it when this happens. Especially when I don’t know exactly why.

I am worried about one of my dogs. She’s 13 and has started showing signs of what I am quite sure is a seizure. They have happened when I’ve been there and have attended to her. She has been in good health to this point, albeit a cough, but otherwise fine. I will be making arrangements to have her to the vet to get a blood test to see if she is lacking anywhere in nutrients; but at this point I’m confident this is neurological; which can be treated usually with medication and a change in some areas of her diet. Given she is fed a raw diet, its usually just a slight adjustment.

I hope you all are having a great weekend!

stress

Unspoken Voice


Your rigid views challenge me everyday

I realize I have been this way for a long time.

I hear your voice saying “oh there’s a jiggle” as you grab my inner thigh. I am embarrassed that you would do such a thing.

Now to this day as my weight is a bit higher, I hear your voice as my thighs touch a bit when walking down a hall.

Today I am learning that I am worthy of love

Today I am worthy of self compassion

Today I am worthy of healing