Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.
I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.
At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.
As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.
During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal. I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.
I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?
Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.
I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.
I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.
I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.
After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.
So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.