Get Out!


images (3)I’m  tired of feeling so much anger and rage inside that it spews out like venom.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control even though I am told I can get control.

I’m tired of feeling exhausted from all the crap that has been flying around me the last 3 or 4 days. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I’m tired of feeling the pain and heartache of things I didn’t ask for nor had control of.

I’m tired of feeling short fused, to the point that I want out of my own skin.

GET OUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY!

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I started to work on trust with my therapist and it brought up some very painful, uncomfortable feelings for me. I realize that if I want to get through to the other side of life, I have to work through this, but to be honest, having an argument, seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist in one day and then today was my eating disorder group, too much has been stirred up.

Plain and simple GET OUT!

Moods

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Full Jars


 I’ve been experiencing anger and rage more than I like. I don’t like how it affects me, or how the emotion is shown.  At my therapist appointment this morning, I expressed how I feel like my anger is on my shoulders, like two torpedoes at the ready. My therapist commented that I’ve had a lot of emotions bottled up for a very, very long time. It seems that my anger is revealing that it is ready to start to work on what’s inside each jar. So I visualized my brain completely full of jars, labelled and inside pieces of paper with comments that are now needing attention.

We talked about a timeline and on the lower side I will write the negative words that I feel and the age that I first felt that emotion. Above, would be words that are healthy and resilient. I don’t need to open every jar all at once, my therapist said to simply choose the “easiest” jar and open it. The idea is whatever comes out of that jar, I need to sit with that emotion, however, before I do any of this work, it is imperative that I have my self care at the ready because opening up a jar, sitting with the emotion, at times will be very difficult, but the idea is to help me with starting to feel emotions, and less with the numbness that has been my shield for so long.

I’m not sure where to begin, I know it won’t be today, but it will start, I just hope I figure out what age I want to start at and if it is attainable at that moment with the notion that each piece of paper I pull out of a jar, I will visualize taking a clothes peg and hanging it out on the line as a way of reminding me that I am starting the process of healing.

BPD is really hard and I want to be in control of my emotions and not the other way around.

Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference


A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/loyalty/ … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

Lack of family doctors, death, and mortality


Where do I start? Its been one hell of a 36 hours. First my cousin passed away yesterday. She had suffered with cancer and thankfully passed peacefully at home. She was in her 40’s. Then if that weren’t bad enough, I learn of this on social media! What is it with people blabbing private family matters before everyone in the immediate family knows? Has social media desensitized everyone so badly that privacy no longer means anything?

As if that weren’t challenging enough, a childhood friend died tragicially and unexpectedly yesterday. It has hit a lot of my high school community and friends hard. Friends far and wide have expressed how sad and home sick they feel about our friend’s death.

I struggle with emotions. I am great at expressing anger and anxiety, but horrible with showing emotions of sadness. What this means is I internalize and when the feelings become too much, my body releases that stress by increased headaches, nausea, diarrhea etc. late last night, I was overcome with intense cramping, sweating and such. This is how I realized I had too much stress within my body. I didn’t even work out today, that is how exhausted I am. But, because of my OCD, I keep looking at my treadmill and feeling like I am betraying myself, but I have to believe that is my eating disorder talking and not my body.

Now if this weren’t enough, recently my family doctor abruptly closed due to health reasons. We were given a referral, made an appointment, saw the doctor were under the impression we were now ok to have a new doctor, nope, received a call last Friday that he felt were not going to be a good fit for his office. This blew me away! I’ve never had a doctor turn a patient away before, let alone go for an interview. Today after trying several avenue’s to even find a list of possible doctor’s taking on new patients, most,if not all, on that list were no longer taken patients! So what is the purpose of this list anyways?

I went to a doctor today, filled out an application which is really you filling out your bio, medications you take etc. The receptionist called this afternoon and I have a “meet and greet” on Monday. Seriously this whole “doctor can decide if you are  good fit for his practice” is wrong. It used to be that you, the patient  to be, were the one to interview the doctor.

I’ve been knocked down, but I’m not out!

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Feeling the BPD and Bipolar


Well life sure has its ups and downs. I’ve had a roller coaster lately that’s for sure. After my laptop crapped out, I was relying on my cell phone for my social media connection and let me tell you I’ve done a blog off of it before and decided it wouldn’t happen again lol.

So my 6 month group came to an end this past Wednesday and i’ve felt several waves of emotions. The ladies I spent time with are wanting to get together weekly, to be honest, I’m not optomistic that will go on for long, but I know that it will be a good thing for it to continue. We all need support.

Bipolar and BPD have flared with all the overwhelmed feelings I have had going on. I’ve been obsessive compulsive with everything and it has been a huge trigger with my eating disorder. I am grateful I have a friend from my eating disorder program who I reached out and we talked it through.

My partner leaves on Monday for about a month, its a yearly trip but not one I am to thrilled with.

I’ve been really busy with a fundraiser for an abandoned dog and am really hoping he will get the surgery he needs.

I’m hoping to write more often now that I have a new laptop there is a lot to update on, but I am not up to typing everything right now.  Oh and our family doctor closed his practice and we went and saw a referred physician and they called us on Friday and said that they didn’t have time that they felt we would need. I have no idea what the hell means, except I don’t do well with being left hanging, granted I don’t need a family doctor like I once did, but I still want one for other things.

Right now I’m about adjusting to all these changes and they are difficult to say the least.

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Internalizing Emotions


Image result for internalized emotionsIts been a really, really rough week for me. First with my dog passing away very unexpectedly, to my body withholding grief and stress. I haven’t been able to move my neck/back/trap/shoulder all on my left side. This has taught me something that has become an awakening.

I’ve realized that it isn’t the words that have harmed me, it is the years of emotional trauma and what they have done to me on the inside. I describe it as a ball of yarn or rubber bands, held deep inside my belly. Every time an emotion attempts to feel anything, an extension grabs that emotion and tucks it nicely with the rest.

I realize this is fear.

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I’ve been hurt and traumatized for so long, that I don’t trust to believe my feelings anymore. That I am consumed with controlling all I can, that it is what’s inside of me that is dying because it can’t come out to live and be expressed.

I’ve been doing work with PTSD in terms of working on my Borderline Personality. I’ve been learning a lot about triggers. No, I don’t know how to prepare for them to be, but I am learning to become aware what makes me upset.

I don’t know how or when the emotions down dark in my belly will come out and release my soul to feel freedom. Perhaps when I am truly at peace with all things my past, that allows me to move forward and embrace my future.

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Exploring Your Ideal, Authentic and Actual Self


purple butterflyBoy was this is a deep and heavy group this morning! Some things are becoming clearer slowly.

When we look at our “ideal self” this is usually someone else’s view of how we are/should be, (supposed to act). Here is a list of examples for your Ideal Self:

IDEAL SELF
  1. Don’t Cry
  2. Hide Emotion
  3. Deny her/him own feelings
  4. “I’m strong/ I don’t need help”
  5. Might think people don’t care about her/him
  6. Unable to grieve
  7. Fear of letting her/himself being loved
Authentic Self

The best way to describe this area is that you are able to express emotions.

  1. You are able to love
  2. You are able to grieve
  3. You are able to feel (show) emotion
  4. You are able to cry
  5. You can feel safe
  6. You can be vulnerable
  7. You can let yourself be open to be comforted
  8. You can feel happier
  9. You can feel acknowledged
ACTUAL SELF

This is where one would ask themselves “who am I”, “who do I want to be?” This is where I find myself. I don’t know who I am, I know who I have been, and how life has changed over time albeit slowly.

  1. Being able to compromise
  2. May feel complicated
  3. Could be striving
  4. May be confused
  5. Trying to find clarity
  6. Feeling fear and frustration
  7. Impatience
  8. How to be (figure out) oneself

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