I got lost

LostNo worries, nothing bad happened to me.

I think with the tail end of my therapy groups, the very hot weather where I live, my spouse has been away for 7 weeks, plus changing my eating and exercising habits, I suddenly had no desire to write because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the blogging sphere.

So today is the first time in a long time that I feel down. Hard to say exactly what has brought it on, but I am reminding myself that its ok to feel down, and pamper myself.

My garden has done ok, but my strawberries and sugar peas didn’t do well, the hot weather whithered them. Yet my cherry tomatoes and beef steak tomatoes are flourishing. I also have my very first green pepper growing!

I have started working with a new therapist. I’ve had 3 sessions with her and I’m just not sure about her. She isn’t into “talk therapy” she is more about working on the inside and bringing out the emotions that are trapped deep within me. She explained a lot to me yesterday about how we will go about things, which I understand better.

However, when we were booking my next session, the time she offered I said I couldn’t because I had a psychiatrist appointment. She commented if it was talk therapy and I said no, its more about medication checking, seeing how I am etc. She asked if he is open to me coming off of them, I said ultimately I would like that but I do realize that may not happend and I am truly at peace with that. I told her I am bipolar II and that I have been diagnosed borderline personality. She said she doesn’t work with labels and that they don’t exist. I said of course they do, its genetic in my family. She replied that when a person is in love or is sad, we don’t medicate them do we? I said no, but that is completely different.

I exercise everyday and I know i have an addiction, yet it has also helped me in many ways.  i feel more energetic, I get out of the house and take my dogs to an off leash park three to four times a week weather depending. I’ve joined weight watchers and it has really improved my way of eating and the support group is my favorite activity. I am encouraged when others overcome an obstacle I may be going through or may go through at some point. I’ve started becoming more aware of what my body does when I am overtired, how it craves surgar and how my eating disorder will play into that.

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to be re-entered into the eating disorder program. This is my second time going into it. I’m ok with that because now I am familiar with some of what is covered so it won’t be so overwheming. Its still for 18 months.

So tell me, what’s new with you?


Why Am I Burned Out

Winter is not just hard with the lack of sunshine, it is also very hard with lack of sleep. The pattern for me looks like this lack of sleep means:

Situation —>Thoughts—>Emotions—>Behavior

I make poor choices because of the mid insomnia and therefore my behavior reacts to those choices.

I’ve had my meds altered and there has been improvement, however, the full nights sleep has not. I’ve gone back to Zumba because I love it, however, my obsessions with my body resurface and trying to find a spot to stand where there isn’t a mirror is not always easy.

I have continued to improve my eating, however, I have realized that when I’m tired, I eat sugar based foods. Doing so means I sabotage my weight loss goal and the scale reflects. So if you look above the Situation is I’m tired, the thought is “need something to keep me awake” the emotion is “defeat” the behavior is eating sugary foods (chocolate, ice cream, etc).  It’s a vicious cycle.

Trick is, how do I become balanced?


Subconscious Reactions

Tomorrow I start my 16 week Process group. It runs 3 days a week in the mornings.

I have been feeling really irritated this weekend. I have also been having issues with my stomach. At first I blamed foods that I’ve not had in quite sometime as I have changed what I eat and I have since had he odd food reintroduced but as much as that could trigger a flare, having a couple of capfuls of aloe juice, seemed to take care of it. Then this morning my stomach became upset again and hours later it hasn’t changed at all. I don’t think this is completely food related. I am wondering if stress is playing on my nerves as well.

In the past when I felt anxious or angry, I would be very vocal and express how upset I was. Now, I have gone within myself. Internalizing my emotions, speaking terse but not yelling or ranting on and on.

I know that in the last year or two, when I have an upcoming social day planned, quite often I end up not feeling well and cancelling. I had a girlfriend say to me that she had noticed that when it came to me having plans, I usually ended up not feeling well. This doesn’t mean that what I was feeling isn’t real, but that I am thinking it is more symptomatic of what is larger than first thought.

I was a very outgoing, social person. I never liked being alone and although I didn’t have many friends, I got by ok with the ones I had.

Here I am 20+ years later, diagnosed with MDD, Social Anxiety, Body Dis-morphia and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Patterns and Behaviors written many times through the years on my medical chart, yet only one doctor questioned the possibility of Bipolar.

I am about to start a program that can change my life. From 20+ years of turmoil to the chance to heal. Perhaps my subconscious reactions will go away, giving me the opportunity to go out and socialize once more. I have read that BPD can go into remission; I’d really like that. I don’t know about the others though.

In about 10 days I will see the psychiatrist once again. I’m hoping we will discuss medications. Knowing that the Effexor XR is not working and hasn’t been for a long time, only adds to the fact that my mood swings are significant and I know if I was on the right medication and dosage it is one step to becoming balanced.

I know that medication alone doesn’t solve all my mental health problems, what I do know is that without it, I am just a shell of a person. I accepted a long time ago, that I most likely will be on medication for the rest of my life.

I don’ t like that medication can stop doing its work and the only way a person may know is by behaviors that haven’t been prevalent for a long time, resurface and return to making one’s life a living hell.

As it is, I have lost interest in going to the gym. For months I have enjoyed going, albeit with a bad ankle (plantar fasciitis) but I have to find the inner strength to go back. But I also realize I have been going in circles for years and only just realized it last week. I’ve been saying for months that I have so many blanks in my brain. However, when I read my medical records, seeing the notations and comparing them with what I have been dealing with now, triggered me into a mental relapse. I shut down.

Tomorrow is a new day, I will be tired, any time I do a new group the first few times are exhausting for me. I learned it is because the right side of the brain is awakened. It is used in ways to contribute to being present. I just hope my subconscious reactions will stop or at least settle down so I can do more things in my life, outside of what I allow myself to do. Which is pretty much anything that doesn’t involve socialization.



Memories – Pressed between the pages of my mind…

Ever since I have seen the psychiatrist, I have felt completely burnt out. I’ve lost my desire to go to the gym and do my cardio step class or Zumba (mind you with the weather outside being as terrible as it is tonight, I wouldn’t be going anywhere anyways). My low back has been bothering me for quite sometime, so I am using a heating pad on it tonight and popped a couple of Ibuprofen.

I had to go through my medical records last night. The psych. wanted to know what meds I’ve been on. Originally I felt relatively ok with it because I thought there was already a list done up. There wasn’t. Instead I had to go through page by page and various memories came back at me.

I see patterns and behaviors that I have had for at least 20 years if not longer. I don’t know why I feel such shame at reading my medical records but I do. I have a feeling it is because I personally feel like a “problem”. Someone who always had symptoms and issues about something. Little did anyone know it wasn’t “nothing”; it was in fact something.

The one that hit me hard was my miscarriage. Reading the medical findings and the procedure I had to have (D & C), the feelings of sadness and anger at my then ex. How he left me to go be with another woman, not realizing I knew something was up, and because I snooped I found out who it was and called her. But the most important part of it all was I was in the hospital alone! To deal with the loss of our child, while he went and partied with someone else.

Memories, lots and lots of memories and not all good either. Relationship issues, abuses, emotional instability, employment instability, binge drinking, so many red flags and yet the common denominator was being told I had chronic depression.  I feel ashamed that my life was in such turmoil, that even back then, my inner voice was screaming for someone to notice that I was not well.

Yesterday’s psych appointment makes me feel unsure.  How is it one psychiatrist from a Mood Disorder Association can diagnose me Borderline Personality Disorder, yet this man who I met yesterday can diagnose me with several disorders but says he needs to see me a few more times before he can say for sure that I in fact am BPD?  I feel like a piece of my identity has yet again been stripped away. I realize doctor’s don’t want you to be identified by a disorder, but to be honest, out of all the disorders I have been assessed as having, BPD is one that without a doubt fits my criteria.

I also have found that with this diagnosis, I have learned about finding therapy from the medical community who understand the disorder, whose medical observations and skills are in working with patients with BPD.  I mentioned to the psych. yesterday that I have done group therapy, I’ve also done CBT (Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy), and that I have done it several times and each time I have to go back, I become that much more angrier for having to go to group therapy, yet again. I mentioned to him that I am beyond frustrated that my brain doesn’t seem to remember the skills I have been taught each time I have had to go into program.  We spoke about medication and how I’ve been on Effexor XR for 12 years. He says it is a long time, I said yep and it isn’t doing anything anymore.

Opening up my medical records yesterday is like reopening a wound that has scarred and now scabbed. Each time the scabbed is picked at means more bleeding and more unhappiness.

I don’t know if I will ever have a life where I am social and outgoing. I remember “back in the day” I used to be like that. But I realize that I was a very desperate person who would do anything NOT to be alone. If I had to be home, I was on the phone to someone, anyone.

I told him that I felt very flat and he said I didn’t come across as flat. So what, now you are going to second guess what I am saying?  The only time I actually felt tears well up was when we spoke about my dog Blaze and how he is my best friend and goes everywhere with me.  How he has traveled with me from Alberta to where I am now.  My fears of losing him are substantial and the mere thought of him being lost or god forbid death, I panic instantly.

What will it take for my brain to recall things and not shut down? What will it take for me to feel happiness and balanced? What will it take to stick to plans I want to do and not back out at the last minute? What will it take for me to make friends and feel safe in wanting to spend time with them? What will it take for me to not come across as controlling and condescending?

I have a lot more questions just like the ones above.  Yet, the memories of my past medical records have brought out feelings of sadness and loss.

Perhaps that is why they are pressed between the pages of my mind….



Tools to help cope

Yesterday I had my therapist appointment. It was good to see her and catch up. We talked about a few things and then I got to work on the topic of Rage and how it is impacting my life in ways I don’t like. 

I’ve come to realize that I don’t experience many emotions other than anxiety and anger or rage. I’ve lived this way for probably 40 years or so. It is such a overwhelming loss to think I have missed out on what it feels like to genuinely love someone (body, mind and soul). Or to know what it means to cry “Tears of Joy” over something. To feel a surprise and instead of being so on guard that when a surprise were to happen, I would be angry versus happy. 

Now, I’m going to work on some things my therapist has given me to put to task. 

1. When I start to feel something inside of me that doesn’t sit right to remove myself from the situation.

2. To either go for a brisk walk, or the gym to work out the energy I am feeling as a result of the rage or anger.

3. To write out what that moment was about, so I can hypothesize and look back and reflect what the trigger is/was. 

It is a big task for me. I know I definitely don’t like the feeling of going from calm to instant rage. Its not a nice feeling. As I said to J, I don’t know the last time I truly cried for me. I also told her that I do feel anxiety and she said that doesn’t surprise her because both emotions mimic one another. 

So now I am working on bettering my health through diet and exercise. There are some guidelines that I am going to put down because one in particular is vital to how I deal with my rage. 

I picked this up from http://www.NaturalNews.com.

If you’re going to get to a healthy weight, ask yourself these 10 questions first!

  • To be clear, there are many reasons why people put on extra body weight, including under-active thyroid, sugar addictions, trace minerals depletion, vitamin D deficiencies and more.
  • If you’re going to set some weight management goals, I strongly advise you to first take care of all the basics by asking yourself these ten powerful questions:
  • #1) Are you taking enough vitamin D yet? Without vitamin D, weight loss almost never works. (I take 5,000 – 10,000 IUs daily. You should research the right dose for you.)
  • #2) Have you stopped drinking liquid sugars yet? If you’re still drinking corn syrup (sodas), forget about weight loss. You first need to quit the soda habit.
  • #3) Are you consuming enough fresh fruit and vegetables? Are you juicing yet? You’ll need to do both of these things on a regular basis.
  • #4) Are you exercising yet? You’ll need a minimum of 30 minutes of exercise every day to start dropping pounds. This can be brisk walking, swimming or cycling. Weight training is also very valuable if you do it safely.
  • #5) Have you addressed the emotional reasons why you overeat? Inside every person who isn’t happy with their body weight is someone who still has some emotional stuff to work out. Get some support from friends, family or professionals. Find out WHY you tend to overeat. Explore your habits and behavioral patterns. Are there certain things that trigger over-eating?
  • #6) Do you have enough trace minerals in your system? Many people who crave “salty snacks” are actually extremely deficient in minerals. They crave salt (minerals), but they misinterpret the craving as a desire to eat empty calories. Your body needs a certain level of minerals to function, and when it lacks those minerals, it will generate internal cravings to motivate you to try to find them. People who make an effort to supplement trace minerals (and quality full-spectrum salts) often find their cravings for salty snacks literally vanish.
  • #7) Have a reason WHY you wish to achieve the best weight for yourself. You need an emotional “anchor” to give you the behavioral leverage to get there. Are you losing weight to feel better about yourself? To improve your longevity? To be more physically attractive? To compete with a sibling or friend? To go to a class reunion or wedding? Figure out your top reason for wanting to achieve your weight goals and use that reason as leverage to guide you in that direction.
  • #8) Have you committed the TIME to realistically accomplish your weight loss goals? You’ll need to set aside the time for exercise as well as time for fresh food preparation. Figure a minimum if one hour per day, and it can easily be two hours total.
  • #9) Do you have the support of your family and friends? It’s very important to discuss your goals with your immediate family and get their support. If you’re trying to lose weight, they need to refrain from baking cookies and filling the house with that aroma, for example. They need to verbally support your efforts and not tease you or discourage you. Have a serious talk before you begin.
  • #10) Prepare yourself to be hungry and know that it’s okay. If you eat every time you feel hungry, you will never achieve your weight loss goals. Dropping excess body fat will absolutely require experiencing feelings of hunger. Know that hunger does not mean you are dying. You’re gonna be fine. Don’t let your body trick you into thinking you desperately need to intake more calories. Become familiar with a bit of hunger and learn to live with it during your weight loss journey. It’s okay to feel hungry! Cowboy up and move on.

 I have been doing Zumba 2 x a week, as well as walking a half mile with my dogs, usually 4 days a week. As I am also dealing with severe plantar fasciitis, I have to promise myself to rest the following day and ice my foot a lot. I have already seen an orthotist to get an assessment for orthotics and now my request is with the Ministry of Social Services and Development as they have to approve it in order for me to have coverage. 

Lifestyle changes (also known to some is dietary), I have, on the request of my naturopath, removed refined sugars, wheat and dairy.  I admit, I was reluctant at first, because that is my stubborn side, wanting to do things my way. Given that “my way” hasn’t been working, on top of the estrogen dominance, I am also at my heaviest weight, which is also triggering HUGE Eating Disorder Behavior, I have been in a vicious cycle. I want that to stop as well. It comes from feeling overwhelmed and when I become very angry at some point, I will turn to food. I never, ever used to be this way. 

So far I am down 2.5 pounds this week and I am proud of the changes everyday I am doing. Its going to be hard, and its going to push me, but I WANT to be back at the size I have always been comfortable in.  Now, I only have 47.5 pounds to go!


I laughed!!

I went to Zumba tonight and I was excited! I wanted to go and listen to the beat of the music run through my body and boy did it ever! 

At first I had to reprogram my brain to which song we were doing and the moves lol. Once I started to remember, some parts came to me very easily. This excited me! I was getting it, may not be smoothly, but I’m getting it! 

F, our instructor, she just lights up a room! Her animated features and her smiles are contagious and for that it started to radiate with me. I became a little silly at times and I was ok with that, seriously, I was starting to have fun! 

I will admit, I still have trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I seriously don’t like what I see. But I realized that if I am in the middle of the room, which is also right where she is, when she faces the mirror, she blocks my view! Plus, I can count the steps and movements she does. F is really good at pointing to which foot to start with, usually in advance.  I also realized when I focused too much, things became awkward and I would stop and get a drink of water, or towel off. I know this about me, when I feel uncomfortable, I stop what I am doing and distract myself so no one else can see my awkward moves. 

But, I wanted to keep trying, I had hope that I would start to get more moves. Slowly but surely, my memory and her moves that were more cardio and less Zumba, came back to me in a blink. This gave me more encouragement. I can do this!! 

After class was over, we all chit chatted for a few minutes. I still didn’t interact too much, but I did listen and laugh. The ladies seem to be a little more relaxed as well, so there were more smiles this time. 

I checked with the front desk on a Wednesday class and the place where there is one still has spots open!! When I get part of my disability cheque, I am going to go and register because I have decided that doing Zumba twice a week and doing the half mile walk 4 to 5 days a week with our dogs, feels pretty great! The weather this morning was crisp, sunshine peaking out through the fog. 

Tonight’s shower felt pretty dam good!



Does BPD ever take a break?

I went to my first ever Zumba class last night. I was nervous and instantly shy. I heard the judgment inside my head picking at every part of me. I met the instructor, she is a petite Chilean girl, full of zest and spunk. I like her. I’ve always connected with other cultures really well. I remember as a young girl in school, we had exchange students and I had become friends with a young girl from Columbia. We connected and shared many fun school days and I really felt like I had a friend. I remember feeling sad when she had to go back to her homeland.

So my instructor and I chatted, I got to learn what type of class I was about to do. Boy oh boy, it was a regular Zumba class, no beginners class here LOL! I felt I would be ok, even if I wasn’t coordinated. But for someone who has always prided herself on her appearance, feeling awkward has never been acceptable.

Then I saw myself in the mirror and if I could have run out of the room I would have.

I have become someone I have always feared, someone who isn’t the size 6 she has always been. I have blamed everything from my car accidents to my hysterectomy, that I’m sure my partner is sick of hearing me talk about. I haven’t been getting a full nights sleep either and I’ve recently learned that not getting proper, healthy sleep, adds to weight issues. So last night we put 2 of our 3 cats in kennels as they have been causing a lot of early morning problems. This morning I would up having 2 extra hours of sleep!

F was super sweet, she said if I didn’t want to see myself in the mirror I could stand where the wall is, if that makes it easier for me. I chose to look at myself, I wanted to see how hideous I had become. I don’t want to hear people say “you need to be kinder to yourself, you are talking negative, you aren’t that heavy” blah blah blah. When you have been a perfectionist all your life and to see yourself as I have, it hits hard. The words that come to mind are FAILURE! No, I don’t want to accept that my car accidents have played a part in not working out like I once did, the hysterectomy did a major change on me, losing my hormones has changed everything about how my body works, how it doesn’t do what it once did with ease.

My wish and hope is that with the addition of the bio identical hormones I am on and have been on for a few months now, will help start moving the 47-50 pounds of weight I want off my body.

Having an illness like BPD really makes things challenging. I struggled with looking at myself when doing the movements. I could hear those voices telling me that I am stupid for even trying. But I also redirected my eyes from the mirror to my instructor, she and I made eye contact many times, smiles and laughing as I connected with the dance moves. At one point I deliberately looked at her feet and started to count the steps and when she would point which leg to start with as we were doing a salsa or meringue, I found I was getting the hang of things. BTW there is a lot of spins and turns with Zumba LOL!

My plantar fasciitis in my left ankle which flares badly in the morning, flared later that night. I knew it would, even with support in my runners. This morning I was in agony, it had flared horribly. I couldn’t put any pressure on my foot at all. I wrapped it up and proceeded to get up and tend to the dogs.

How am I supposed to move forward in life, when the negative self talk, constantly shoots me down. I tell myself I will beat this weight gain, and will do whatever it takes to get it off of me. But the one thing I cannot do is accept that my body is the way it is going to be for the rest of my adult life. Its just not in my vocabulary.

It’s been suggested that I may have to accept my body as it is. How do I do that, when my body has been my vice? How do I learn to love the inside of me, when I never knew that the inside of me deserves to be loved?