How do you come to terms?

How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

The Perils Of Christmas

The holidays are almost over and I for one can’t wait. I spent a couple of hours with my cousin and her family for dinner and then came home, where I wanted to be.  It was good to see them, their extended family and her children, who couldn’t bee any sweeter.

See, I’ve been in a bad place for a few weeks now, and I’m trying to rise above it, yet it is very, very hard.

I had a dream that I had committed suicide. I had left yellow stickiest saying “suicide” on them. I’ve never had a dream like that before. I still see my “white rope” in my minds eye and have no intentions of taking my life.

I had an invitation for Christmas Eve, but I couldn’t make myself walk out the door. However, a message was sent to me that made me realize I do matter when I thought I don’t.

My bio family just doesn’t seem to get me or my mental illness. On Christmas Eve when I sent out messages of Christmas Cheer, not once was I asked how I was, what were my plans, would i like to join them or simply how are you doing? I relayed that I wasn’t in a good head space right now and the reply was that I could call tomorrow or in a few days.

Food wise, I’ve eaten but not to excess. Last night and today I’ve not been feeling that well and am hoping it is a simple bug that is working its way out of my system. Overall I’ve not had a huge interest in food, however, meaning my eating disorder is running my behaviors right now.

Now on to New Years Eve. I’m already thinking to this date and deciding what I am doing.

Feeling Disappointed

Holidays, you know what those are, the time where some see family; me not so much.

A couple of nights ago, my spouse and I were talking about me travelling with him out of state to visit his family (specifically his daughter who is under 12) for Christmas. It is fees-able for one of us to go, but by the time we add our dogs to the kennel, update their shots the price pretty much jumps to twice plus. ,We have been together for 5 years (this month) and I’ve not had a holiday spent with him. Same for New Years. Last year I decided to start decorating my home to help me feel more festive (my birthday is the 23rd of Dec.) as well as my childhood favorite Christmas shows. I’m a huge Peanut’s fan and one of my favorites shows is “A Year Without a Santa Clause”. I really believe these are what help me cope.

I also would feel terrible leaving my dogs for 2 weeks in a kennel and not seeing them on Christmas. My cats are independent but they are worthy of love and cat nip lol. See for me, my animals are my children. I don’t see them just as fur and such, I see them as living, breathing, loving “children”. When they hurt, I hurt.

But I am also feeling disappointed (yet again) at not being with my spouse. I want to have a Christmas at our house, with everything, his daughter, decorations, creating memories for all of us.

Unfortunately, that is not meant to be.


Working through bad feelings – Mental Health

My emotions are surface; a moment they are full of rage and anger; the next tears are welling up at moments of unexpectedness.

Here in Canada, Monday is Thanksgiving. It is the start of the major Holiday season. I do not do well with holidays period. Holidays have represented family, family get togethers, family traditions, a time where everyone was together, even if they didn’t like the other, they still were there.

I don’t have that anymore. In fact, I seldom see my family or have dinner with them. When I speak of family I mean my immediate family. My cousins etc., I do hear from fairly often via social media.

Recently I had a connection with my family and it felt nice. It was strange and at first uncomfortable, because I have been on my own for so long, that I wasn’t sure I could trust. It appears it is short lived. As much as I reminded myself that I wouldn’t get my hopes up for an invitation to spend some time with my family, I am disappointed. I reminded myself several times that I did not want to go back into the past and be the woman who sat in tears hoping and praying the phone would ring.

I’m not going to lie the tears I felt yesterday and today (especially the ones today), I’m not 100% sure what they are over.

I did go look at my list of things that I could do physically to help get the emotions out of my body.

  • I chose to rip newspapers
  • I chose to cook dinner
  • I chose to walk all 3 of my dogs one at a time (I began to feel each foot placement and visualize the anger leaving)
  • I chose to write in my offline journal
  • I chose to clean my blinds with Clorox wipes (wow did they need it!)
  • I chose to continue with a novel I’ve been reading and have already chosen the next one.

I just need to remind myself it is just another day and I will get through it. If I need to reach out to someone I know I can.


My voice to those who have been bullied

In my blog recently I spoke about dealing with the mindset of those who are determined to undermine and belittle myself because of having a mental illness. I have since had to report the person to Facebook for threatening me publicly and now privately.

I have had to resort to my coping skills, Mine are more to do with nature and with my animals. Right now I have this strong instinct to get outside, go to my local off leash park with my dog and walk the various trails, embracing and touching the fallen leaves, reminding us that Fall is not far from us. Or to hear the ground crunch underneath my runners, to listening to the birds sharing conversations with one another. Sometimes I will see horses adjacent to the trails, or riders with their horses, sharing our path together, feeling like we are one.

I’ve lived with and deal with depression, anxiety, bipolar and borderline personality. I have done far too much work on myself, even on my darkest days, to let people attempt to think I am weak and can be abused and taken advantage off. Even worse when it is someone who believes they are apart of your family.

Last I checked family supports one another, not tear one another down.


Christmas 2013 is now to a close and I for one have never been happier. I am a lot more aware than I have ever realized before and yet I am conflicted.

For a very long time my daddy was on a pedestal, I idolized him, adored him, he could do no wrong in my eyes. I fought anyone who tried to tell me different. Through years of therapy, I went through a very painful experience of repressed memories. Things weren’t as they seemed.

That’s happened again…..

Through relationships, I have had 2 long term partners be placed in the role of knight and shining armor. Someone who protected me, someone who looked out for me, someone who I thought made me feel safe. I looked through the abuse and heartache always giving that person the benefit no matter what they have done.

Fast forward to Christmas 2013

I have always looked up to a family member, my little girl would always say how she would feel special when time was spent with her coloring and singing Christmas carols. That same moment has played over and over, year after year. Like a groundhog day moment.

This year, my little girl stood holding my hand, and we watched the room where we were. Conversations were flowing, children laughing can be heard all through the house. But I just listened and took in the moment and for the very first time, I really saw someone for who they really are; a normal, everyday person, who has troubles with his sons, and is no different than me or anyone else.

This is huge for me.

I have starved for a male role model my whole life I wanted my daddy and can see how I’ve sought it out in those who have dated me, became in a relationship with me, to an ex husband saying that when I asked for a divorce his words to me were “you don’ t need your dad anymore”. He was right.

I don’t have happy Christmas’ memories as an adult. Its not by choice. All I’ve ever wanted was my own family to create traditions with, memories of and moments to share.

I did spend a few hours with family and it did help, I got my wish and enjoyed a dinner complete with all the traditional fixings. It did help to see the kids laughing, reminding me of the true reason for the Season, it did help to catch up and see where friends and family are at. I learned that the unfortunates of one member is not looking so good, my hope and wish is he will get the help he needs, because quite honestly I don’t think the family could take another death by self inflection.