Under the Grief….. Anger

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Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.


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Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/loyalty/ … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

Unspoken Voice

Your rigid views challenge me everyday

I realize I have been this way for a long time.

I hear your voice saying “oh there’s a jiggle” as you grab my inner thigh. I am embarrassed that you would do such a thing.

Now to this day as my weight is a bit higher, I hear your voice as my thighs touch a bit when walking down a hall.

Today I am learning that I am worthy of love

Today I am worthy of self compassion

Today I am worthy of healing

Fears of Recovery

I struggle tonight.

Having a mental illness and an eating disorder make life a challenge sometimes.

Today in group we were looking at what my worst fears about my recovery are. Like a few things that have transpired in this group, it means examining my eating disorder and challenging him. Each time I do so, he throws crap back at me. I feel like all I want is to part like the red sea and walk down the middle to clear thinking and not distorted thinking. Its tough, but I want to believe not impossible.

I fear not having a foundation. A foundation for me means having something in place, whether it be a support group, friends who are in program, friends who understand; these are easier said than done. The other fear is that after I reach recovery that I will replace my eating disorder behavior with another addiction.

There are other fears surrounding recovery from an eating disorder:

  • The pressure to actually being successful in a career
  • Losing close connections with support members
  • Having real, honest relationships
  • Looking a healthy weight, or becoming what society views as overweight
  • Pressure from others to maintain good health

Where do I go from here? From the things I have learned, I need to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, perhaps find something to distract myself and hope that later on I will feel better.


Underneath the anger

Today in group, we discussed among many topics, “When I feel out of control I want to”

When I feel out of control I want to throw everything that is in my path (object wise)

I want to scream

I want to run as far as my legs and body will take me

I want to stand in front of my mom and sister and ask why they didn’t protect me. Why didn’t they stop the abuse?

I want to pull my eating disorder from my body/mind/soul and crush him.

I want to grieve and cry at what I’ve lost.

When I observe my body’s reactions:

Rage: How intense I feel

Vibrate: the shaking of my hands

: holding a smooth rock between my fingers to occupy

Anger:  Waking up with rage – frustrated with everything

Anxious: The fear of what will I do with my energy; at times I’ve rocked back and forth

Powerlessness: to the feelings of binge/restrictive eating


Living With Values


What are my values:

Answering this question can be difficult. We are not asking you about your morals, beliefs, or philosophy. Values refer to actions-what you do. If you don’t act on your values then these are just empty beliefs. Think about the areas of your life that are deeply important to you. These are the things that make your life worth living, that you cherish and nature and you would act to defend if necessary.

Living a life with intention:

Intention is a life force that defines what you want your life to mean in the world and how you want your behavior to represent the values that you cherish.

Choose 3 values that you hold in highest priority:

  1. ____________________________________
  2. ____________________________________
  3. ____________________________________

How satisfied are you with the way you are living within those values?


How do your current behaviors match up with your intentions?


If there is a discrepancy, how do you want to make a change so that you life and behaviors tie in with your intentions?


Lastly what steps can I take to behave more in accordance with a value that I strongly believe in?


At times in my mental health/illness problems and the pit of my darkness, I admit I’ve shown behaviors that I would say aren’t apart of what I have begun to learn are my values.  I’ve begun to realize that as I work through issues, my values become calmer and something I am proud of.

I do struggle, I do have to remind myself that having good thoughts doesn’t mean I need to sabotage them. What this teaches me or has been teaching me is I am worth having values and being valued for who I am.

value-self forgiveness

Social Anxiety

I have always been a shy person. As a child I would hide whenever I could, usually in my room; with school I could be in a crowd at a dance and stand quietly against the wall. I didn’t have many friends because I struggle with interacting. I didn’t do sleepovers because I was so scared to be away from home.

The adult now STILL struggles with anxiety. Its rough. My spouse will encourage me to contact friends, make plans for tea or coffee. I try and I always have the best of intentions, but when the day arrives, I panic, fear takes over, my negative thoughts kick in as does guilt. I’ve talked to my therapist about this and I’ve tried using some of the suggestion she gave me.

Ask myself out loud “What am I afraid of” and if I can say out loud what it is. I often feel guilty about doing anything social, anything that takes me away from my dogs, my home, my spouse. My therapist said that guilt is usually for when we have done something wrong and doing something social isn’t wrong.  So I tried telling myself that and said it out loud “Guilt is when you have done something wrong, doing something social isn’t wrong.”

Today I was to meet a friend and spend the night. All day long I have fretted about going, forget about having an enjoyable evening, social relaxation, laughter etc.; all my brain did was go into negative self talk. Then the guilt kicked in – “how could I leave my dogs/cats, how could I leave my spouse for the night. He works hard and I usually have hot chocolate and his meal waiting for him”. My spouse is completely for my going out and enjoying myself, yet *I* become paralyzed with fear.

The weather where we are hasn’t been great. Then the weather network said that my area where I live and out east is under freezing drizzle advisory. Well then, that just threw me even more into a freak out. So now we have the Social Anxiety of going out for the night combined with the weather conditions. Just lovely!