How do you come to terms?

How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

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Triggers and Facebook

What is it with people posting and others responding with the feeling they can bully someone for posting on their own wall?Earlier this week I experienced bullying myself and it triggered me because I hate derogatory comments and flame wars not to mention the social broadcasting of a family death over Facebook without even notifying me privately.

Social media has really desensitized people, in my opinion. No longer do I see any consideration of what a person may feel, its just put out there with no regard for anyone but the person on the other end of the computer, who seems to take pride in hoping to encourage an argument where everyone can see and contribute to or cast stones and judgment.

So how does one get through this? Most of the time I either scroll past it on my timeline, or if the person is seen as a constant s***t disturber, then I simply remove them. Drama lama’s take up too much space. My mental health needs as much calm and peace as I can arrange.

I’ve taken to my treadmill daily, I find it helps to focus on the endorphins while I am watching a comedy on Crave or Netflix. If anyone is looking for a fantastic British comedy, check Absolutely Fabulous. It has really gotten me through some stressful moments as of late. Plus, it makes my work outs go amazingly fast LOL!

Well this weekend is going to be hot, hot, hot, so I am going to be in my air conditioned home, making sure to use my treadmill and spending time with my pets. One of my favorite events is on tomorrow, horse racing – The Belmont, I’m curious to see if American Pharoah will attain the elusive Triple Crown, not achieved since 1978 when Secretariat won it.

In the mean time, be kind to one another – perhaps think before you speak, you may not realize how you affect the person on the otherside of the computer screen.

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Feeling the BPD and Bipolar

Well life sure has its ups and downs. I’ve had a roller coaster lately that’s for sure. After my laptop crapped out, I was relying on my cell phone for my social media connection and let me tell you I’ve done a blog off of it before and decided it wouldn’t happen again lol.

So my 6 month group came to an end this past Wednesday and i’ve felt several waves of emotions. The ladies I spent time with are wanting to get together weekly, to be honest, I’m not optomistic that will go on for long, but I know that it will be a good thing for it to continue. We all need support.

Bipolar and BPD have flared with all the overwhelmed feelings I have had going on. I’ve been obsessive compulsive with everything and it has been a huge trigger with my eating disorder. I am grateful I have a friend from my eating disorder program who I reached out and we talked it through.

My partner leaves on Monday for about a month, its a yearly trip but not one I am to thrilled with.

I’ve been really busy with a fundraiser for an abandoned dog and am really hoping he will get the surgery he needs.

I’m hoping to write more often now that I have a new laptop there is a lot to update on, but I am not up to typing everything right now. ¬†Oh and our family doctor closed his practice and we went and saw a referred physician and they called us on Friday and said that they didn’t have time that they felt we would need. I have no idea what the hell means, except I don’t do well with being left hanging, granted I don’t need a family doctor like I once did, but I still want one for other things.

Right now I’m about adjusting to all these changes and they are difficult to say the least.

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What are your rules for Interacting with People?

Hmmm, I hate it when you get a question like the above, and you have to pick your brain and actually “think” about how do you interact with people?

The assignment is to write a long list without thinking very much about what it is I am writing. Then, if that isn’t hard enough, I have to go through each rule and see if it is really mine or if I “inherited” it from somewhere and tend to follow it unthinkingly. Then, a second time, go through the list again and delete the rules I don’t want, letting others stand, and possibly editing/ revising a few. See how I feel doing this.

Geeish, not too hard!

  1. Smile
  2. Shake hands or hug (depends on person)
  3. When I accept/make plans with someone to follow through with them
  4. Use manners
  5. Dress nicely
  6. Be approachable
  7. Be Friendly
  8. Don’t be negative during the conversation – no one wants to hear me talk about all things negative
  9. Be helpful if someone is lost
  10. Be the way I would want to be treated
  11. Don’t be judgmental
  12. Be Compassionate
  13. Put my cell on vibrate (and in my purse) when I’m with someone; I am giving them my full attention
  14. If someone starts an argument, I choose to rise above as I don’t engage
  15. Don’t be rude and make jokes about what someone wears or what their name or height is.
  16. Be kind to everyone (in honor of my cousin Sean)

This was difficult to do because I have never thought about my rules for interacting with people. This project showed me that I have basic concepts and morals that are mine and mine alone. That, I am worth being treated with respect and in return I treat the other person the same way.

I’m glad I decided to take on this project tonight, I almost didn’t.



Its amazing when in my weekly group, as I listen to others share how they feel and what they are feeling, a lot of sadness is shared. Yet for me? I’m pissed! Yep, I said it! Pissed! I even said it in group!

Another member shared their life on the topic at hand and I swear it was mine. It helps actually, but at the same time I see what that person has gone through and I look at some of what I have gone through and its like two different behaviors, but the internal cause is the same. You may notice I write with anonymity of gender etc because I think it is important to continue with the trust circle created in my group.

I keep thinking that I can’t possibly have any more anger that has already been released, but it seems there is more that comes out in different ways. Kind of scary when you think about it.

My eating disorder has been running full speed. I “think” I am the one in control, but I know inside I’m not. I let it trick me, say what it will, so that it will “win” and I let the cycle continue. This is in turn just recreates the internal anger that swirls around and around.

Its interesting when I attend group, mere moments of arriving, there is some social chatter with other members, catching up stuff like that. Then when we settle in, we listen and start to go over what that day’s topic will be. Twice I’ve felt anger and I’ve only had 2 sessions! There are 10 sessions in all, I just hope that the anger I feel, will release to tears or something, it doesn’t feel very nice to know that I’ve carried around this deep emotion from when I was young.


Music and Mental Health

I will be doing another blog after this one as I have been hit with a ton of emotions following my first day at my new group.

This blog is about how music has impacted me and my mental health.

This morning I was watching the Today Show and in there concert segment was one of my favorite bands… Fleetwood Mac.

Talk about a memory of my childhood! All original members were there and as I listened, I found myself going back in time where I didn’t have to think, that I was safe whether it be in my mind or my room or wherever I was at that moment. For those few moments I enjoyed variety of songs, but it was one by Stevie Nicks called “Gypsy” that really had me tearing up.

You can watch it here on YouTube

I found on my drive to my group this morning that I was singing in the car and I noticed that I was listening to the words I was saying and understanding why it had me feeling emotional. “Gypsy” represented my life. The not having the stability or structure, but I got through it.

Mentally, I find music helps calm my mind. I often will have music on low in my car or maybe on my laptop.

How about you? What helps calm your mind?

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Shorter Days and Mood Disorders

How are you doing? I am miserable. With October being the start of shorter days, my mood is horrible. My patience is low, my depression is clearly up and my bipolar is out of whack because I can’t get proper sleep. I am thinking I am going to ask about Season Effective Disorder. I think it would help me better understand what’s going on with me on top of everything else. I would also like to consider a “day light” but being on disability chances of buying one are very slim.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, I have decided to start taking Vitamin D 3000 I.U. again as it is known for helping with moods. I am supposed to see my psychiatrist next week, so I don’t want to phone if unnecessary, but if I have to, I guess I will.

My rage is not good, I’m acting out. This morning I smacked a metal object and punctured my hand. I will live, but it doesn’t feel very nice and it is now a reminder of me being angry. That’s also how I realized I have to do something with my moods/bipolar because we have a good six to nine months of dreary weather and I don’t want to be barely getting through it.

I will not undo all the work I have done, I know this is a struggle, I will get through this.