Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!


Lack of family doctors, death, and mortality

Where do I start? Its been one hell of a 36 hours. First my cousin passed away yesterday. She had suffered with cancer and thankfully passed peacefully at home. She was in her 40’s. Then if that weren’t bad enough, I learn of this on social media! What is it with people blabbing private family matters before everyone in the immediate family knows? Has social media desensitized everyone so badly that privacy no longer means anything?

As if that weren’t challenging enough, a childhood friend died tragicially and unexpectedly yesterday. It has hit a lot of my high school community and friends hard. Friends far and wide have expressed how sad and home sick they feel about our friend’s death.

I struggle with emotions. I am great at expressing anger and anxiety, but horrible with showing emotions of sadness. What this means is I internalize and when the feelings become too much, my body releases that stress by increased headaches, nausea, diarrhea etc. late last night, I was overcome with intense cramping, sweating and such. This is how I realized I had too much stress within my body. I didn’t even work out today, that is how exhausted I am. But, because of my OCD, I keep looking at my treadmill and feeling like I am betraying myself, but I have to believe that is my eating disorder talking and not my body.

Now if this weren’t enough, recently my family doctor abruptly closed due to health reasons. We were given a referral, made an appointment, saw the doctor were under the impression we were now ok to have a new doctor, nope, received a call last Friday that he felt were not going to be a good fit for his office. This blew me away! I’ve never had a doctor turn a patient away before, let alone go for an interview. Today after trying several avenue’s to even find a list of possible doctor’s taking on new patients, most,if not all, on that list were no longer taken patients! So what is the purpose of this list anyways?

I went to a doctor today, filled out an application which is really you filling out your bio, medications you take etc. The receptionist called this afternoon and I have a “meet and greet” on Monday. Seriously this whole “doctor can decide if you are  good fit for his practice” is wrong. It used to be that you, the patient  to be, were the one to interview the doctor.

I’ve been knocked down, but I’m not out!

Image result for knocked down but not out quotes snoopy


Insomnia, it has me by the eyes. I’m exhausted all day, to the point that I fall asleep with a short 20 minute nap at some point during the day. If not, my eyes burn and water with no energy to do anything; I hate it.

The affect it happens to my body is huge, I have no concentration more like limited; stress level is high and my depression is definitely at its worst.

I reflect on why I am struggling and I know it is because of the month of December, holidays, etc. I just hope it goes away soon, It feels like it won’t. I’ve brought it up to my psychiatrist more than once, but he doesn’t say anything; so I don’t know if he is making note of it, or not hearing me.

I know what I feel is real and it is a disorder, but I would give anything for a regular night of sleep.



Recently I experienced a situation where my rage came out and it frightened people. In this situation the trigger was someone who wouldn’t stop pushing with her comments to the point that I finally answered back. When I did my frustrations rose and rose to the point I retaliated and when that happens my control goes out the window.

I saw my psychiatrist today and discussed this with him. He didn’t have much in terms of advice except that triggers can and often do cause one to be reactive.

I feel frustrated in that I have done a lot of work on myself mentally and emotionally but I don’t have control over my anger. This, is not ok with me. I realize that these things take time, but how much time does one need to get a hold of my emotions so that this type of outburst doesn’t happen and I scare people?

I do apologize for my outburst but the one who started didn’t; she came across as very self centered. She just kept saying that she has a voice and is entitled to use it. What the hell has that got to do with the situation she caused?

I’m waiting til after Christmas Break when I will start 3 mini groups on anger, hopefully the cycle will be broken.


Shorter Days and Mood Disorders

How are you doing? I am miserable. With October being the start of shorter days, my mood is horrible. My patience is low, my depression is clearly up and my bipolar is out of whack because I can’t get proper sleep. I am thinking I am going to ask about Season Effective Disorder. I think it would help me better understand what’s going on with me on top of everything else. I would also like to consider a “day light” but being on disability chances of buying one are very slim.

So what am I going to do about it? Well, I have decided to start taking Vitamin D 3000 I.U. again as it is known for helping with moods. I am supposed to see my psychiatrist next week, so I don’t want to phone if unnecessary, but if I have to, I guess I will.

My rage is not good, I’m acting out. This morning I smacked a metal object and punctured my hand. I will live, but it doesn’t feel very nice and it is now a reminder of me being angry. That’s also how I realized I have to do something with my moods/bipolar because we have a good six to nine months of dreary weather and I don’t want to be barely getting through it.

I will not undo all the work I have done, I know this is a struggle, I will get through this.


Cuts to Mental Health Resources

I just read an article that has brought to my attention more cuts to Mental Health Care. Seems it is alright to raise salaries for senior government staff in Victoria.

What is it going to take for people to realize the seriousness of mental illness in this Province and world-wide. As someone who has received the benefits of art therapy, I am so disgusted by the recent cuts to this 21 year program that I know has helped many people in so many ways, is now going to be gone in 60 days!!

Funding cuts are treatments for mood disorders, schizophrenia, and the complete closure of the Arts Studio recovery program in 60 days. Critics are saying the cuts hurt even more due to the announcement coming days after Victoria raised salaries for senior government staff.

excerpt from

I know they said that people would be given the opportunity to transfer to other programs, however, I agree with the article that people stated they received nothing more than pamphlets with phone numbers and crisis phone numbers and counselling information. Are they stupid enough to not realize the wait times to see a counselor JUST TO GET INTO SEE A COUNSELOR is often weeks if not months! Calling a crisis line, often only puts a temporary band-aid on the situation that is very real to many people who struggle everyday.

What’s it going to take for the government to realize that a people’s lives are at stake?  Mental illness knows no boundaries and no demographics.





Fixers and why I dislike them

Its Monday morning and I am already tired; I woke up that way, combined with feeling very heavy hearted as I had to put my long term foster dog, Paco, humanely to sleep as his cancer was too aggressive for his little chihuahua body to handle. 

There is a person in group, who for weeks, I see continually wanting to fix people. I get that she wants to support people, that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is the fact that when you see someone really hurting or upset, it is natural for them to want to take that person’s pain away and make it their own. 

This person and I went round and round. I reminded everyone this isn’t about anyone but my feelings and observations. That how people choose to support others is not what I am questions. Relating to someone is not fixing someone either. 

When I was asked by the doctor why it bothers me so much, I said that I feel that this person is wanting to take on the problems of others. I personally do not want to be fixed by anyone but me. People commented various answers and after our morning break, the therapist asked the group how they were feeling. One had said she was feeling anxious, another agreed and one more said she felt unsure if it was safe to share what is going on in the room for fear of being judged. 

None of the above is what I ever implied. All I implied was that it was about what I FEEL! 

Oh and as for the person in question? That person proceeded to well up in tears and wouldn’t talk when asked what was going on. Others tried to ask her what was on, but she wouldn’t answer. 

How do I feel? Honestly, I don’t feel bad, I feel like this is what I was feeling, I tried several times to be diplomatic and state several times that it was about me and no one else. So no, I don’t feel guilty. I clarified more than once my reasons. 

The rest of group I spent listening to others and watching the clock.