My Voice


Trigger Warning:

I am really struggling. I am isolating, I could go out but don’t want to go by myself. I don’t want to go places and see friends and couples. My Bf is away with his family and so a text or call will be my Happy New Year.

It’s a really hard struggle, insomnia, depression, changing out of your pj’s to go to the store but to come home and then back on again. I’ve been writing in my gratitude book, hoping that would snap me out of this mood, but it hasn’t.

Its not as simple as dressing up and going out. I wish it were. I hear a friend’s voice and the comment given to me about how special I am and how my friendship is important, but somehow that isn’t pushing me with confidence.

I see all these status and I want to throw up. I think shutting my computer is probably best.

Happy New Year

hopeful

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12 Easy Steps To Self Care


Self Care is not about self – indulgence, its about self-preservation 

Audrey Lorde – EmpowerLounge.com

 bows  I  know that we are all approaching the busiest and most stressful time of the year. With that comes over extending ourselves and not taking care of our own mental, physical and emotional health.

I am going to be making sure to use as many of these 12 Steps to Self Care and if you can, I would encourage you to.

  1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it
  2. Say “exactly” what you mean
  3. Don’t be a people pleaser
  4. Trust your instincts
  5. Never speak bad about yourself
  6. Never give up on your dreams
  7. Don’t be afraid to say “No”
  8. Don’t be afraid to say “Yes”
  9. Be kind to yourself
  10. Let go of what you can’t control
  11. Stay away from drama and negativity
  12. LOVE

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Feeling Disappointed


Holidays, you know what those are, the time where some see family; me not so much.

A couple of nights ago, my spouse and I were talking about me travelling with him out of state to visit his family (specifically his daughter who is under 12) for Christmas. It is fees-able for one of us to go, but by the time we add our dogs to the kennel, update their shots the price pretty much jumps to twice plus. ,We have been together for 5 years (this month) and I’ve not had a holiday spent with him. Same for New Years. Last year I decided to start decorating my home to help me feel more festive (my birthday is the 23rd of Dec.) as well as my childhood favorite Christmas shows. I’m a huge Peanut’s fan and one of my favorites shows is “A Year Without a Santa Clause”. I really believe these are what help me cope.

I also would feel terrible leaving my dogs for 2 weeks in a kennel and not seeing them on Christmas. My cats are independent but they are worthy of love and cat nip lol. See for me, my animals are my children. I don’t see them just as fur and such, I see them as living, breathing, loving “children”. When they hurt, I hurt.

But I am also feeling disappointed (yet again) at not being with my spouse. I want to have a Christmas at our house, with everything, his daughter, decorations, creating memories for all of us.

Unfortunately, that is not meant to be.

Inevitable

Birthdays, Christmas and BPD


My birthday is on Monday, the 23rd of December, I don’t have memories of birthday parties or presents from childhood friends. Christmas, when I was a young child, I remember family, playing bingo, laughter and memories. Living with BPD, I can tell you that the last few years, I’ve spent alone, sad and depressed.

My spouse is leaving for the holidays on Sunday, to spend it with his family. I’ve put out a request to my cousin to spend Christmas dinner with her and her family.

This time of year sucks, always has for me more so as an adult, on top of BPD, my mood swings have been really severe. I’ve swung from being super angry, to feeling intense emotions on the verge of tears, yet nothing happens.

The only thing that keeps me grounded is my pets, without them, I would be nothing.

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Two Paths Crossing


Yesterday I learned my boyfriend, who has been away since beginning of June, has extended his stay til the end of July. I have been very upset and frustrated over this recent news. 

See if it had been discussed with me, I would have been able to understand and accept it a bit easier, however, being told left me feeling abandoned. This reminded me of past experiences where I wasn’t “blood” or primary family and having decisions just made and no consideration to what I would think or feel came into the situation. 

I discussed this today in group and expressed my feelings about how in my past experiences, even when I am blood, my mother didn’t consider my feelings. As an adult and in a previous long term relationship, we were kinship guardians to my ex’s nephews. Suddenly and without discussion, my ex decided to go to the social worker and tell her we weren’t working out (meanwhile he was seeing someone on the side) and that he didn’t want the kids. Both situations reminded me of feelings of abandonment 

Dr. H, our psychiatrist in my group program, said it is understandable that this is bringing up past experiences. He also said that I am doing good at being able to see the reasons on both sides.
 
It was suggested that I not make him in the middle, because it is family. My response simply was I u/s but when there is NO discussion and simply being told there is a huge difference

 I don’t doubt that he loves me, that I know and feel inside. However, the reality is his parents are seniors and his dad is in his 80’s, so my reality is expecting him to move back because anyone who has been important has left.

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And so the outburst lashes…..


Well I just lashed out at my boyfriend.

His parents called on skype, wanting to finalize his landing details etc.  He is going home for the holidays. He has 2 little girls and he will see them for Christmas. In light of recent events on Friday, I don’t blame him for wanting to be with his daughters.

His mother wanted to say “hi” to me and I said no. My boyfriend had his headphones on and I could hear her. I told him to tell them, I am not happy that he is leaving and yet again I am on my own. So his mother pressed and he told them. Not long after he hung up with them, and I said “it isn’t like anyone effin’ understands what I go through. That his family doesn’t give a crap about me, all they care about is him and him alone. That I don’t do the “be nice” crap. He got up and I said I’m sorry, I suppose I could be  more sympathetic, but I just can’t and he replied that he wishes there was something he could do to make things better. He then came in and asked if he could make me some tea and I said no, I don’t want anything.

Now the house is awkward and he is in other room, where he most likely will stay til he goes to bed and even then, he may wait til I am asleep. Great, so much for having some intimacy before he is gone for 22 days. Have I said how much I hate holidays? Have I said how much I hate having a mental illness and the complexities that go with it? People have no idea what I live with. People have no idea that it is not as simple as “get dressed and make yourself go out”.
I can feel the rage inside along with knowing that my behavior is not a good thing . Yet, the words still come out of my mouth.
Distress tolerance, I have been doing it all weekend, yet at this time, I just feel…. done.