WarriorAs the holidays have come to a close, my unbalanced mental state will start to return to a sense of calm.

I don’t wish to whine about all the negative things that have happened. I just want to figure out how to create a life wherein moments such as holidays don’t affect me like they do. That when they do happen (and they will), my “go to” place mindfulness will become so automatic that the emotional rage that often spews out of my mouth will be less.

I saw my psychiatrist this week and he says I am fractured (emotionally), meaning I don’t have balance. I like companionship but as much as I like it, when there is change I just can’t seem to handle it and retreat to living in a means of my own world. I shut down, I isolate and generally feel miserable. He asked me if I had been binging and I said that I had been. In fact I feel the vicious circle yet again. Before the holidays I was doing ok, holidays hit and I stuff my anger with food late at night and starve all day.

I went to my eating disorder support group which I was late showing up because I forgot about it. 3 weeks is a long time in a break, all of us were emotionally charged with everything that had happened for ourselves. I felt ashamed after i shared how my holidays went. I felt like I had over shared. I was told I hadn’t, but that others knew what I meant because at times they have felt that way too. I get really uncomfortable when someone in the group is incredibly upset is experiencing panic attacks and wants to leave once group is over, that person bolts. Even though I am hoping her feelings aren’t anything to do with me and what I shared, its those intense emotions that play in my head.

I am so exhausted, right now I can be wide awake til 230 am and be tired all day usually on 4 hours sleep; have dinner and by 7 to 830ish I am falling asleep. Once I get through that, its like I suddenly perk up again and will be awake well into the night. It isn’t a case of not taking my medications as I do every night. Part of it is a show I had been watching online, but even so, given that I can log in to watch it, I don’t think that is entirely all of it. I find when I force myself to go to sleep, my brain is busy, and my body restless. I hear every little thing, the smallest of sounds and I wake up. Its annoying.


Every night I reflect on things to be grateful for. It does help to write that out, as it shows me that life isn’t all negative and worthless. But honestly, I do struggle with OCD and I have it set in my brain that I must write 5 things to be grateful every night. No one has told me to write 5 things, in fact it has been suggested I write every other day as things will come easier to me. But I still write every night. Its like I enjoy punishing myself mentally.

The Power of Gr...


The Perils Of Christmas

The holidays are almost over and I for one can’t wait. I spent a couple of hours with my cousin and her family for dinner and then came home, where I wanted to be.  It was good to see them, their extended family and her children, who couldn’t bee any sweeter.

See, I’ve been in a bad place for a few weeks now, and I’m trying to rise above it, yet it is very, very hard.

I had a dream that I had committed suicide. I had left yellow stickiest saying “suicide” on them. I’ve never had a dream like that before. I still see my “white rope” in my minds eye and have no intentions of taking my life.

I had an invitation for Christmas Eve, but I couldn’t make myself walk out the door. However, a message was sent to me that made me realize I do matter when I thought I don’t.

My bio family just doesn’t seem to get me or my mental illness. On Christmas Eve when I sent out messages of Christmas Cheer, not once was I asked how I was, what were my plans, would i like to join them or simply how are you doing? I relayed that I wasn’t in a good head space right now and the reply was that I could call tomorrow or in a few days.

Food wise, I’ve eaten but not to excess. Last night and today I’ve not been feeling that well and am hoping it is a simple bug that is working its way out of my system. Overall I’ve not had a huge interest in food, however, meaning my eating disorder is running my behaviors right now.

Now on to New Years Eve. I’m already thinking to this date and deciding what I am doing.


Today it is very dark and raining. Having SAD makes days like this challenging. I have been sticking to my 6,000 I.U. of Vitamin D, light therapy, combined with group therapy, and psychiatry.

I want to share what I wrote yesterday in my personal notebook.

The pieces of the paper all hanging through the room. A topic above each one. Now I stand before each one, reflecting on what will I write. Sometimes I know exactly what to say. The offender now being addressed. I feel light headed my breathing caught up and stuck in my chest, my lungs not pushing it up and out of my body.

I start to talk out loud, listening at first, sympathizing to others, numb to myself and my own feelings. I’ve felt numb for so long a protection from my feelings, safer than being reactive.

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Underneath the anger

Today in group, we discussed among many topics, “When I feel out of control I want to”

When I feel out of control I want to throw everything that is in my path (object wise)

I want to scream

I want to run as far as my legs and body will take me

I want to stand in front of my mom and sister and ask why they didn’t protect me. Why didn’t they stop the abuse?

I want to pull my eating disorder from my body/mind/soul and crush him.

I want to grieve and cry at what I’ve lost.

When I observe my body’s reactions:

Rage: How intense I feel

Vibrate: the shaking of my hands

: holding a smooth rock between my fingers to occupy

Anger:  Waking up with rage – frustrated with everything

Anxious: The fear of what will I do with my energy; at times I’ve rocked back and forth

Powerlessness: to the feelings of binge/restrictive eating


How do you stay busy?

images (14)Lately, I have been focused on staying busy. This morning I abruptly tore my fridge apart, cleaned it inside and out, then I folded laundry and put it away to sweeping my floors and taking my dogs out. Oh and go grocery shopping which I forget vegetables and cat food *insert palm to head*.

Some days I am like this, I don’t know if it is mania or what, but its like I am on an engine revved and it has gas that until its used up, it doesn’t stop.

I have come to realize that it is important to get out at least once a day. It seems to make me feel good on the inside. Walking my dogs, increases the endorphins, which helps me feel better.

I’ve been using my Happy Light, it sure is bright and taking my 6,000 I.U. Vitamin D. I think there is some improvement in my mood/depression.

I am most active in the morning, I’ve always been that way. How about you, when are you most active? Do you have a routine that you do everyday? Have you found it helpful?

I do feel moments of loneliness, however, there aren’t any friends around me that are home during the day. So all my time is by myself, just me, my housework and pets. I feel like a 1950’s housewife, I know I could change it, but I know I don’t have the confidence to go back to work. I’ve always started out well, then as soon as stress appears, I start getting sick, making mistakes and less than a year later I’m fired. The longest I’ve held a job is 2 years and I still wonder how that happened.

Tomorrow is my Women’s Sexual Assault Recovery group, I’m sure that I will have something to post :).

Have a great day!

10 Reasons Why My Life is Worth Recovering For

I have been staring at this screen for a few moments now combined with the sheet from my process group. I am having a hard time shaking the cobwebs out of my skull this morning.

I’ve never examined why life is worth recovering for. I realize it is part of my recovery process, but just on my own merits it isn’t anything I have ever thought of and it makes me question why that is. So I have decided to write out my 10 Reasons Why LIfe is Worth Recovering For:

  1. A good meaningful hug
  2. Enjoying a morning sunrise and sunset
  3. A good friend who doesn’t care what you look like.
  4. The love of animals (unconditional love is the best!)
  5. A good cup of tea (ahhhhh)
  6. Dance like no one is looking (who cares, I don’t)
  7. The sound of the Ocean, I’ve missed those waves when I lived somewhere else!
  8. My love of gardening (i love to plant my seeds and to see them flourish for eating and sharing)
  9. My love of Snoopy and Woodstock makes me smile and feel happy inside
  10. Charity/Volunteer work (I take great pride in what I do and it really helps me feel something on the inside)

At first starting my list was super hard, but I know that is because I  over think things. So I googled what I was looking for and once I saw things that I was truly passionate about; my very own 10 Reasons Why Life is Worth Recovering For started to flow off my fingers.

My wish is that whenever I feel really down that I come back to this blog and realize I really do have a Reason for Recovering.



Well that’s a start, a title.

I wanted to write yesterday, but any time I opened up a “new post” I could feel the words sitting inside my head and mouth.

Today’s group was on some really deep stuff. Suicide, Rescuing Someone, Triggers, Anxiety, Guilt, Emotions, Empathy, Flatness of emotions.

I could hear the feelings being shared by others and I voiced how I would give anything to “feel” those same emotions. To remember what tears felt like for another adult human being. I understand that I am very protective of children and animals, because they are not only unconditional in their affections, but that I want to make sure that no one ever goes through what I have.

I’ve been struggling with anger… a lot. My spouse has noticed that at some point in the afternoon, my mood changes and I become very snappy and argumentative. I brought this up in group yesterday and one of the members suggested that I write the time down when I or he notices my mood shift. I did this last night, about 5:00-5:30 pm. The trigger I don’t exactly recall, it could have been the home alarm we have that seems to go off every single time any steam arises from the kitchen. It could be the resentment I feel, whenever I feel like I am doing things he could be taking care of. I’m not really sure.

I reflected in group how all my long term relationships all have said at some point they all noticed how angry I am. That they felt like they couldn’t do anything right no matter what it is. I know I don’t like this portrayal. Yet, I feel like I have the Berlin Wall up and nothing will penetrate it.

Someone said to me today that they see it as a protective wall, I’ve put around myself. I know they are right. I asked aloud if perhaps questioning this wall means I am starting to put a “crack” in it? Kind of like the dam that slowly starts to leak before it floods wide open.

So I don’t know what it will take for me to truly feel emotions for adults. We talked about very heavy topics today and I know I was relating to what was being shared, yet I also checked in with myself and I felt “flat”.  Its like looking at a heart monitor machine and the flat line going across the screen.