Internalizing Emotions

Image result for internalized emotionsIts been a really, really rough week for me. First with my dog passing away very unexpectedly, to my body withholding grief and stress. I haven’t been able to move my neck/back/trap/shoulder all on my left side. This has taught me something that has become an awakening.

I’ve realized that it isn’t the words that have harmed me, it is the years of emotional trauma and what they have done to me on the inside. I describe it as a ball of yarn or rubber bands, held deep inside my belly. Every time an emotion attempts to feel anything, an extension grabs that emotion and tucks it nicely with the rest.

I realize this is fear.

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I’ve been hurt and traumatized for so long, that I don’t trust to believe my feelings anymore. That I am consumed with controlling all I can, that it is what’s inside of me that is dying because it can’t come out to live and be expressed.

I’ve been doing work with PTSD in terms of working on my Borderline Personality. I’ve been learning a lot about triggers. No, I don’t know how to prepare for them to be, but I am learning to become aware what makes me upset.

I don’t know how or when the emotions down dark in my belly will come out and release my soul to feel freedom. Perhaps when I am truly at peace with all things my past, that allows me to move forward and embrace my future.

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Another Piece

Yesterday I wrote about if what I have been feeling is anxiety or mania, you can read about it here

Well today at my psychiatrist appointment, I discussed what I have been writing down in my calendar journal, he has diagnosed me with Bipolar 2. We have reduced my Effexor XR to 150mgs and increased the Lamotigrine to 100mgs,

I feel like another piece of the puzzle describes why I’ve acted the way I have for years, but other than one doctor 20 years ago, where he questioned being Bipolar, no one else has. I was just diagnosed chronically depressed. I know I slipped through the cracks in the medical system, I’m not the first and sadly I won’t be the last.

I can only keep moving forward with my multi layers of labels, continue with my therapy and grow from there. I can’t change my past and the mistakes I have made, I had no control over. I own them, but I now understand my actions more than before.

My family has not shown any interest in understanding what I have lived with, they have only chosen to blame me by saying “a lot of stuff has happened and they don’t see the hurt changing anytime”. Oh well, not going to dwell on that, I’ve already lost enough time in my life.



I realized today I don’t miss my mother. This reality came as a result of discussions in group about the emotional connection and parents. There is a member in group who is really wanting that connection with his father. 

I gave up long ago, I realized that no matter how much I wanted that emotional connection, it will never happen. Its something she isn’t capable of giving me. It is easier to blame my grand parents saying they brain washed me versus owning her inability to feel an emotional connection to me. 

The outcome of this realization is the repercussions of not having that emotional connection with my mother is huge. The lack of emotional connection has folded over into my adult life and this is a huge awareness for me. For a long time I just assumed my abandonment issues stemmed from my father’s passing when I was a young girl. Seems that is not entirely true for me. 

As an adult though, when I hear of friends doing social activities and I’m not included, my trigger place instinctively goes to a reactive place of “what about me?” Then I go to the place of blaming my self centered thoughts on believing I should be center of attention, even though my partner says that is not what I am doing, what I am doing is recognizing my value as a person to my friendships. 

Last night that happened where I felt my self worth undervalued and I instinctively went to self destructive behaviors. I also said today that I don’t blame people for not including me because there have been invites a few times and on the day of the event, I would and have felt panicky and cancelled or not shown up; therefore I’m not the first person people think of inviting when they make plans. 

There was a question posed to me if I have a memory of a good relationship with my mother. I don’t recall any out right mother/daughter special moments. The one I have is of a family, in the back yard, I’m on a swing set, dad is in the garden and I think I was holding a cat/kitten. I subsequently fell backwards and ended up getting stitches at the back of my head lol. My first introduction of my doctor bribing me that he would give me a quarter for my choice in favorite ice cream if I were a good girl when I got my stitches. I was a good girl and to this day Mint Chocolate Chip is still my favorite ice cream :). 

When I process what has transpired in group, I don’t feel anger; I feel sadness; yet no tears fall from my eyes. I have come to realize that ever since I left my former home town and the circumstances that caused me to leave, I haven’t felt much in the way of emotion. Perhaps it is more about protecting myself and my feelings? However, the repercussion of this inability to feel is the emotions feel stuck inside my throat; the feeling of boiling and bubbling but not enough to come out. The last time I truly felt any emotion was when I became so very angry at my former partner, the rage inside me was like a volcano spewing lava continuously. That rage scared me because I never knew a person could feel that much emotion and be able to lift objects that normally I couldn’t because they were heavy; suddenly I’m able to lift them and toss them! 

My reality is I am an emotionally starved person, now emotionally locked down in my ability to feel emotion. How I go about removing those layers on my journey to wellness and healing, I am not sure right now, but I hope to learn somehow that I deserve to feel love, I deserve to feel emotions.



Process Group

This morning in therapy, a few of us were talking about our pasts with working, some of our behaviors around working and going back to the work force. I am not even thinking of ever going back to work, I have no desire to go back downtown to the rat race, even if I felt powerful in my business suit, polished nails and hair and make up done. I just don’t miss it, as well I “appeared” together, but on the inside, I wasn’t. 

We talked about behaviors that should have been questionable and for me I never questioned those behaviors. I never thought of consequences or what I was doing, I just did them. 

Another person spoke about her weekend with her family and realizing that her husband is very controlling and needy. On top of her own mental health issues, going home being a parent, and wife. She is at her wits end. 

While talking she spoke about the reality that her husband is abusive in that she asks him if she can do this or that and it has been more so that she has realized these things, as she has started to discuss more with him. 

As she was talking, I found myself rocking side to side; then I switched to vibrating my legs and feet. I realized I was feeling anxious at what she was talking about. How she talked about the honeymoon phase of domestic violence, how she has done therapy, gone to groups on DV and she feels like an idiot that she didn’t see the current situation she has with her husband. 

I did mention what I was feeling to the psychiatrist after group, but all he said was I seemed to have had some things stirred up. A couple of members from group said that the doctor is very cut and dry. Meaning while in therapy we talk about it, but once therapy is over, there is no discussion, which is difficult because sometimes delayed emotions happen, such as what happened to me. 

The two that stayed behind with me, said that I was processing what our other member was saying and not to be surprised if I felt totally differently tomorrow. 

I said either way I was going to be getting it out of me by blogging or talking to someone. I wasn’t willing to hang on to all these emotions. I know what it is like to have a full on panic attack and it is so difficult to focus on anything, including breathing.


What Living with BPD Feels Like

I’ve wanted to write what it feels like to live with a mental illness, a few time I have composed sentences in my mind, but they never made it to paper. Now I figure I will compose them as I write here. 

I wish it were as simple as saying, “well I woke up this morning and my mood sucks!”. Sometimes it isn’t like that, but mostly there are days it can be, especially if sleep hasn’t been easy to get. 

My moods swing, worse than a chandelier and it makes knowing when I will be calm virtually impossible. I find that friendships suffer because my moods have dictated if I will go anywhere, when I used to get invited to social events. 

Years ago you would never find me at home, now you find me at home. Perhaps it is because it is my owned home, where it is calm (most of the time) and there is no answering to anyone but myself or my boyfriend. 

I feel like a prisoner in my own mind. Trapped in my emotions, ride after ride. Not able to get off, albeit for a day or so and that was usually when the sunshine was out. For years I was diagnosed with chronic depression, followed by group therapy. Followed by a period of time where I would remember the tools in my kit I call life, only to forget the tools when stressful moments came to be. This cycle has repeated itself since I was first diagnosed at 24 years old. 

Anxiety comes with depression, what a pair! Nothing like a pounding heart rate to make sure you are awake! When my emotions become all consuming I rock back and forth while sitting, almost like I am self soothing myself. 

A couple of years ago, I sought out mental health therapy and I met a social worker. She and I connected where she said to me “do you realize everything you have said is in the past?” This is the first time anyone ever said anything like that to me. From that day forward, to meeting a psychiatrist for evaluation and diagnosis, I learned I live with Borderline Personality Disorder ~ that was 2 years ago. 

2 weeks ago, I met with another psychiatrist as I feel my anti depressants that I have been on for 12 years, are not doing their job. He has diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety and Body Dysmorphia (meaning how I see myself is not what it appears to be). 

I do not know who I am, I’m pretty sure I haven’t for a long time…. if ever. I do know I have felt anger, rage and definitely frustration for most of my life from childhood to adulthood. When I am triggered, instead of questioning a comment, I instantly go to rage. From there all rational thoughts are no longer available. I must admit, even I scare myself at how fast I can go from calm to rage. 

In terms of relationships and friendships, closeness is something I have longed for, but it had to be on my terms. If someone approached me and came on too strong to me, I ran far away. I don’t have friendships, as most do. I don’t have friends over for tea or coffee. Or friends who pick me up to go shopping. I’ve had a wall for so long that it makes decisions for me.  

My emotions are many, often a mess inside my head. I’ve wanted to kill them so that I don’t hurt anymore. From hurting to obsession about what I feel, or don’t feel. But now, I feel numbness, I’ve gone from feelings to numbness, another reason why I want off the Effexor.

I’ve been blamed countless times for past mistakes. Mistakes I’ve since owned and long forgotten, but others choose to punish me, withholding me from connections to people who deserve to be in my life and I theirs.  I’ve ached to belong, belong in a family, to be sharing in memories today, tomorrow and on wards. But, I know in my heart, those memories will be developed without me and I tell myself, that one day, one day the smallest ones who know of me, will seek me out wanting to be in my life. I will smile when that happens. 

I have said a few times to therapists in private and in group therapy, that I am afraid. I’m afraid that this chaos inside my head is all I will ever know. That the loneliness I feel will always be there, no matter how many “things” I put in place of the one thing I will never have.  

I’ve made this journey to wellness alone, at times I’ve had support from a partner or friend. But mostly by myself, with hope that not all is lost on me. That something will change, that there will be progress for me to believe that I haven’t been forgotten. 

Every now and again, through tireless progress, a thought process once thought to be the only way of thinking is challenged and removed. Vulnerability is felt and fear is released. Suddenly replaced with intense exhaustion. Healing is hard work. 

My lips have shared the dark secrets within, no judgments were given, no yelling to be heard. Only acceptance from those who feel or have felt the same. 






Reaching out to YOU

I have been reading and researching ways to reach more bloggers and those wanting to understand living with a mental illness; or perhaps they too have a mental illness and are feeling very alone. 

So here’s an idea!! I’m going to write a Top 5 Blog! I want it to include things I have learned from blogging, or perhaps you have shared, and tips I have picked up!

Now let’s get started:

  1. What topics interest you my reader? Are you wanting more topics that are about my daily life, or more about our mental health community and things I learn?
  2. What do you think is important to have available that is missing in our mental health community?  
  3. Have you been in remission with your mental illness? How do you feel about this? Have you grown as a person? 
  4. Do you prefer to respond to bloggers comments on their blog or on yours underneath what they have said to you?
  5. Do you have down times where you don’t blog for a while? Do you let your readers know?
 I look forward to hearing from you!

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Have a Great Easter Long Weekend!