Bad Reaction

I have had a set back a big one with my eating disorder recovery. I realize its a journey and there will be times when stuff like this happens, yet the difference is now I could see what was causing it, but I didn’t stop it.  I did admit in my eating disorder group what happened without going into detail as I didn’t want to trigger anyone. The facilitator said that its hard when a “wave” happens when we are trying to find a tiny piece of positive to take away from moments that are difficult.

As our session continued we talked about Body Image and all the different ways it affects who we are. I felt very intense emotions. We then went onto to talk about ways to make sure your child has a great body image. I shut down. I just couldn’t give any answers that would be positive because I struggled to even think what a positive body image comment would be.

I left feeling very angry, not wanting to talk to anyone; I just wanted to be alone.

When I got home, I was bitchy, obviously reactive still from our session. I started to work quickly in my garden, clearing my tomato plant leaves that are dead, checking the remaining plants, picking up pine cones and dead branches as well as planting my daffodils for next year. It always feels good when I am left alone in my element.

I guess that is what you would call being compassionate; something I am not very good at. I’m still stuck at the “you deserve it” voice code.

So how does one become compassionate with themselves? How does one accept that what is going on is a moment and that it is ok to go back to things that are old behaviors and are fine to use but not stay in? How is it ok to acknowledge how and what you are feeling, especially if you struggle with expressing your feelings? It’s not easy to put things into perspective, when your emotions are so intense that it is hard to remind yourself that this moment will pass; especially when it goes longer than “a moment”.

I know last night and today I have felt a lot of doubt. My thoughts and feelings definitely have wanted to give up. The one thing that came to mind is that I deserve to feel the way I do and the other was “go ahead, no one is going to know but me”. So you can see how difficult it is when there is no balance.

One of the things I often forget to do is BREATH. When I’m in the moment where I am triggered, I am so engaged with that thought, that breathing is the last thing I think of. I know that it has been suggested that I take a moment and take 3 deep breaths because it will help my mind and body to relax and to calm down.  Now if I can just remember to do that!

I don’t know about you, but I talk to myself; sometimes it is encouraging and empowering; last night/today “not so much”. I haven’t found a positive tool to go to when I talk to myself in a negative way. I don’t like talking to myself in front of a mirror,  I just know that as I learn new and continuing coping skills, I too will learn to love myself.


Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

Manic and then Fatigue

The last few days I’ve been manic. I have been rapid in thoughts, cleaning inside and outside. I raked my yard, cleaned my garden, washed floors, laundry, you name it I’ve done it. Combined with healing from my injections it’s virtually impossible to stay still or not have racing thoughts.

Then I fall asleep, crashing from the energy I’ve exerted. Nightfall comes and I’m awake sometimes till 2 or 3 am.

It’s a struggle.

Everything changes, my cravings for carbs goes up, late night eating increases… So not good for my body dysmorphia issues.

I seek things that give me peace…. Candles, incense, my pets, my partner, but in the middle of the night it’s very difficult as I don’t want to wake my house.

Manic Monday

550606_365712436849153_322604116_nToday has been an emotionally rough one for me. I woke up to one of my dogs having an accident on our bed (something that has been happening frequently. We are thinking she is having a leaky bladder issue). It was the 3rd time in last couple of days. THEN our washing machine has been causing us problems. It keeps saying there is a sensory error. So we have to wait for the door to unlock, then drain it manually and then put the laundry back in piece by piece to let it rinse and spin, usually with no problems. Not today, today has been the worst we’ve had problems.

I took my dogs to the park because I was feeling my anger boil and I wanted to yell and scream it out. I kept hearing the Serenity Prayer in my head; the part about accepting things I cannot change and while true, it was a helpful tool.

When I am manic, like I am today, I sweep floors constantly, I see dirt everywhere, nothing goes missed. I’m short fused so things big or small affect me; I hate it.

Body wise I have noticed my heart beating faster; my adrenaline hasn’t come down at all. My appetite is fleeting, one minute I think I want to eat, try to eat and then not hungry. My body has been vibrating all day. Any time I go to grab anything my hands shake, this has been going on for a while now, I have spoken to my psychiatrist and all he has said is that sometimes it can be caused by medication. I have noticed since my walk with my dogs, anytime I remove my feet from being flat footed, they vibrate.

After a spell of mania, I usually crash and become very tired; sometimes depressed.


Connecting the Dots

Before I get into my post I wanted to send out a huge THANK YOU to the over 300 readers I have! You have no idea how much this continues to encourage me to share my journey and tools I am learning to help with my mental health and educate you as well.


Now onto today’s topic on this dark, rainy Saturday.

Continuing on with Healthy versus Harmful Anger


See that above, it is a description of how anger works. Trust me when I say it makes a lot of sense.

The material below is from my Womens’ Survivors of Sexual Abuse group.


Healthy Anger: When anger is expressed out of caring or respect and a desire to restore a relationship or resolve a problem. Attack the problem, not the person.

Harmful Anger: When expressed out of a desire to seek revenge, get even, hurt or attack the person without concern for the relationship or resolving a problem.


  1. Start the right attitude. Setting healthy boundaries with others can promote trust, honesty and intimacy in a relationship.
  2. Is best expressed assertively (honestly, appropriately, directly – respecting the other person).
  3. Deal with the situation making you angry as soon as possible. Don’t leave it or hope it will go away.
  4. Accept responsibility for our own anger and how we handle it.
  5. Your journal may help you:
  •  To prepare yourself to deal with the person
  • If you are unable to speak directly to the person



anger1Did you know there are two types of Anger?

  1. Healthy Anger
  2. Harmful Anger

I don’t know about you, but I have never heard of anything like this before. Growing up anger was anger, usually followed by some type of punishment. I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

Healthy Anger: Is when anger is expressed out of caring or respect and a desire to restore a relationship or resolving a problem. Attack the problem, not the person.

This, is something I need time to process, how do you respect anger?

Harmful Anger: When expressed out of a desire to seek revenge, get even, hurt or attack the person without concern for the relationship or resolving a problem.

This type of anger is what I feel the most and more importantly when I feel resentment and hurt. I know it is going to take time to learn how to remove my resentment and hurt for things that happened years ago. These are very painful moments, that are final and can never be changed.

The other thing I have become aware of is that anger and aggression are significantly different.

  1. Anger refers to an emotional state consisting of feelings that vary in intensity from mild irritation or annoyance to intense fury and rage.
  2. Aggression refers to a set of behavior traits directed at destroying objects and injuring or punishing people.
  • We often do not draw a distinction
  • Aggression is one type of anger expression
  • Aggression is almost always destructive

Well I can honestly say I have been more aggressive than just angry. I struggle with rage and destruction.

What kind of anger behavior are you?


What are your rules for Interacting with People?

Hmmm, I hate it when you get a question like the above, and you have to pick your brain and actually “think” about how do you interact with people?

The assignment is to write a long list without thinking very much about what it is I am writing. Then, if that isn’t hard enough, I have to go through each rule and see if it is really mine or if I “inherited” it from somewhere and tend to follow it unthinkingly. Then, a second time, go through the list again and delete the rules I don’t want, letting others stand, and possibly editing/ revising a few. See how I feel doing this.

Geeish, not too hard!

  1. Smile
  2. Shake hands or hug (depends on person)
  3. When I accept/make plans with someone to follow through with them
  4. Use manners
  5. Dress nicely
  6. Be approachable
  7. Be Friendly
  8. Don’t be negative during the conversation – no one wants to hear me talk about all things negative
  9. Be helpful if someone is lost
  10. Be the way I would want to be treated
  11. Don’t be judgmental
  12. Be Compassionate
  13. Put my cell on vibrate (and in my purse) when I’m with someone; I am giving them my full attention
  14. If someone starts an argument, I choose to rise above as I don’t engage
  15. Don’t be rude and make jokes about what someone wears or what their name or height is.
  16. Be kind to everyone (in honor of my cousin Sean)

This was difficult to do because I have never thought about my rules for interacting with people. This project showed me that I have basic concepts and morals that are mine and mine alone. That, I am worth being treated with respect and in return I treat the other person the same way.

I’m glad I decided to take on this project tonight, I almost didn’t.