Bad Reaction

I have had a set back a big one with my eating disorder recovery. I realize its a journey and there will be times when stuff like this happens, yet the difference is now I could see what was causing it, but I didn’t stop it.  I did admit in my eating disorder group what happened without going into detail as I didn’t want to trigger anyone. The facilitator said that its hard when a “wave” happens when we are trying to find a tiny piece of positive to take away from moments that are difficult.

As our session continued we talked about Body Image and all the different ways it affects who we are. I felt very intense emotions. We then went onto to talk about ways to make sure your child has a great body image. I shut down. I just couldn’t give any answers that would be positive because I struggled to even think what a positive body image comment would be.

I left feeling very angry, not wanting to talk to anyone; I just wanted to be alone.

When I got home, I was bitchy, obviously reactive still from our session. I started to work quickly in my garden, clearing my tomato plant leaves that are dead, checking the remaining plants, picking up pine cones and dead branches as well as planting my daffodils for next year. It always feels good when I am left alone in my element.

I guess that is what you would call being compassionate; something I am not very good at. I’m still stuck at the “you deserve it” voice code.

So how does one become compassionate with themselves? How does one accept that what is going on is a moment and that it is ok to go back to things that are old behaviors and are fine to use but not stay in? How is it ok to acknowledge how and what you are feeling, especially if you struggle with expressing your feelings? It’s not easy to put things into perspective, when your emotions are so intense that it is hard to remind yourself that this moment will pass; especially when it goes longer than “a moment”.

I know last night and today I have felt a lot of doubt. My thoughts and feelings definitely have wanted to give up. The one thing that came to mind is that I deserve to feel the way I do and the other was “go ahead, no one is going to know but me”. So you can see how difficult it is when there is no balance.

One of the things I often forget to do is BREATH. When I’m in the moment where I am triggered, I am so engaged with that thought, that breathing is the last thing I think of. I know that it has been suggested that I take a moment and take 3 deep breaths because it will help my mind and body to relax and to calm down.  Now if I can just remember to do that!

I don’t know about you, but I talk to myself; sometimes it is encouraging and empowering; last night/today “not so much”. I haven’t found a positive tool to go to when I talk to myself in a negative way. I don’t like talking to myself in front of a mirror,  I just know that as I learn new and continuing coping skills, I too will learn to love myself.


Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

Life isn’t Static

I wrote those words down yesterday as a reminder to me of when the hard times hit and they do, to remind myself that it will pass. Static means up and down, windy and seldom straight.

Recently in group therapy we spoke about our eating disorder and how what rules it has for us individually. Instantly, I hesitated. I remembered the last time I spoke out against E.D. (I fell backwards for a good week, bad behaviors, relapse E.D., a lot of anger and rage). I did speak to the facilitator about it and we agreed that I would write out what I was feeling and see how I felt afterwards.

Here is what I wrote:

“I feel very unsettled inside. The last time I felt this way was in a “tool kit” session surrounding E.D. and exposing him. Afterwards for about a week, I reacted with behaviors of anger/rage because of exposing E.D.”

E.D. has rules for me:

  1. I should always appear “together” on the outside (clothing, nails, hair, always well presented). E.D. never wants anyone to know about him.
  2. I must never eat breakfast or lunch (other than to take my medication), dinner is ok.
  3. Raw vegetables are ok as they will keep me skinny.
  4. I must be a certain size and right now I am not, so E.D. belittles me and beats me up inside
  5. Only fat people wear jogging pants and so I don’t wear jeans or dress pants (because E.D. won’t allow me until I reach the number I need to be in the size of my clothing.
  6. I have a number taped to my scale that E.D. wants me to be. I step on the scale many times and will “play” with the numbers to make him happy
  7. E.D. doesn’t like me looking in the mirror because I look unattractive
  8. E.D. doesn’t like me to piss him off
  9. When I have overeaten, E.D. puts a restriction on me the following day until he feels I am allowed to eat
  10. E.D. makes it known that if I disobey him, my anxiety/depression creep up because he sees me as a failure thereby my mental illness sky rockets.

These are just some of the rules my eating disorder has put on me. I didn’t have as many as I do now, because I sat down and really thought about the rules. I know there will be more, I just haven’t dove in hard enough to find them all. They will come…. baby steps….. Then, then the work of breaking them down will come.

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Underneath the anger

Today in group, we discussed among many topics, “When I feel out of control I want to”

When I feel out of control I want to throw everything that is in my path (object wise)

I want to scream

I want to run as far as my legs and body will take me

I want to stand in front of my mom and sister and ask why they didn’t protect me. Why didn’t they stop the abuse?

I want to pull my eating disorder from my body/mind/soul and crush him.

I want to grieve and cry at what I’ve lost.

When I observe my body’s reactions:

Rage: How intense I feel

Vibrate: the shaking of my hands

: holding a smooth rock between my fingers to occupy

Anger:  Waking up with rage – frustrated with everything

Anxious: The fear of what will I do with my energy; at times I’ve rocked back and forth

Powerlessness: to the feelings of binge/restrictive eating



Its amazing when in my weekly group, as I listen to others share how they feel and what they are feeling, a lot of sadness is shared. Yet for me? I’m pissed! Yep, I said it! Pissed! I even said it in group!

Another member shared their life on the topic at hand and I swear it was mine. It helps actually, but at the same time I see what that person has gone through and I look at some of what I have gone through and its like two different behaviors, but the internal cause is the same. You may notice I write with anonymity of gender etc because I think it is important to continue with the trust circle created in my group.

I keep thinking that I can’t possibly have any more anger that has already been released, but it seems there is more that comes out in different ways. Kind of scary when you think about it.

My eating disorder has been running full speed. I “think” I am the one in control, but I know inside I’m not. I let it trick me, say what it will, so that it will “win” and I let the cycle continue. This is in turn just recreates the internal anger that swirls around and around.

Its interesting when I attend group, mere moments of arriving, there is some social chatter with other members, catching up stuff like that. Then when we settle in, we listen and start to go over what that day’s topic will be. Twice I’ve felt anger and I’ve only had 2 sessions! There are 10 sessions in all, I just hope that the anger I feel, will release to tears or something, it doesn’t feel very nice to know that I’ve carried around this deep emotion from when I was young.


Basic Levels of Respect

I have been having a good weekend. I do volunteer work for rescuing dogs, spent time with my partner, and still feeling pretty good on 6,000 I.U. on Vitamin D.

Today things changed ….a lot.

Once a month my partner and I met up with friends for brunch. Normally it’s quite enjoyable. Today, however, it wasn’t. Today left me feeling hurt and angry. I felt by blogging it will get the feelings out and I can start to move forward.

Today we were sitting at a long table, the kind where you have 3 people on each side. A woman who arrived late was going to sit on the end and her partner sat beside me.

Everyone ordered their drinks, everything is going smoothly. The woman who arrived late, asks the waitress if she can move the table that I’m sitting at with the 5 other people. The waitress hesitantly says ‘I guess so’. Next thing I know my table has been moved, those that were sitting there aren’t and even when I spoke up, the woman ignored me anyways!

My partner and I were so angry that he got up from his seat to come and sit with me as we no longer were! The waitress came back and she was completely confused as everyone who was sitting where they had an assigned number. Now with this table shifting, everything was mixed up and our waitress was the only one shift.

People overall knew how upset I was, I mean the basic tenants of respect were completely ignored! This also triggered a huge  abandonment issue because of the disregard shown by  someone I have considered a friend.

My partner (unknowing to me) went to the counter and spoke to the waitress about what has happened. She gave us our beverages for free (we hadn’t ordered our meals yet) and he came to me and said we are leaving. As we are getting everything one of our friends said that if we have anything to say by all means day it.

As we got near the exit, I heard my friends comments so I quickly went up to where this person was  sitting and I said (very loudly) “you could have at least asked!”

My partner said very sternly, let’s go because if he  says  what he really wants to say it will not be polite and a scene would be had.

I’ve been thinking about all of this and honestly I do not have anything to apologize for . I don’t hate this person, however, an apology is needed before I even consider having anything to do with her.


I’m a touch frustrated this morning. Yesterday, it seems my comment setting somehow was turned off when other times it was on; thereby those wanting to leave comments couldn’t *grr*

I woke up in a rage, I’ve been working this morning on figuring out why I’ve been feeling this way. Until it comes to me, I chose to take the dogs one by one for a walk in the rain. One of my dogs is very passive aggressive and figures she’s the boss, so its been a battle of wits in asserting my alpha with her.

When I speak of alpha, I do not use violence with any of my animals, which in the past when my temper would flare, I would throw things and it scared me at how angry I could be and how I was able to lift things that normally I would not be able to. This is when I realized I didn’t like being that person and had to seek more help in finding out why I was that way.

That is when I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. Not just because I was angry, but some of the other traits I showed.

Then I learned through tests etc, I was diagnosed Bipolar II.

So I have been working through my emotions this morning.

  • Talked to a friend
  • Took my dogs out for a walk
  • Watched a comedy on tv
  • Went on social media to ready some positive topics.

I have reminded myself that I am worthy and that this will pass. I know it will.