A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/loyalty/ … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.
I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.
During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.
I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult. The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.
Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now). I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way. This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.
She knows I will hold to it!
Its been awhile since I have seen this movie, but its one I relate to so very well. In case you haven’t seen it, it stars Winnoa Ryder and Angelina Jolie dealing with borderline personality disorder.
It doesn’t even matter that the genre is 1960, the behaviors of the patients and their mental illnesses feel the same to me as it most likely is to the characters and their struggles with the outside world as it was back then. I reflect on my life, having being asked if it was like that for me (I have had a stay in hospital and I was asked if what was on tv was actually how it was); I felt insulted because I knew I wasn’t being asked out of concern, I was being asked out of sarcasm.
While there have been some improvements today, the need for support hasn’t changed; many people struggle, often with no where to turn and where they can turn, the lines to see someone are long and patience is thin.
The biggest thing we need to do with your illness is to get it out; to write it down; to release it – Whoopi Goldberg
Every day I write in my gratitude journal; each week I write my victories down. Does it help? I really believe it does. I hope to minimize my meds some day; but I accept that being bipolar does complicate things a bit.
I, like some of you who are my fellow readers, are on various medications. Often I read of people who want to increase their medications because they feel they aren’t doing anything. The first thing I think of is:
- Is it a new medication?
- How long have you been on this current medication?
- Are you doing anything outside of medication (I.E. therapy, group therapy)?
I just feel many people and pharmaceutical companies think that medications alone will make everything all better and in my experience it won’t. Its not possible.
Personally my regime consists of:
- Group Therapy – Eating Disorder
- Support Group – Eating Disorder
- Group Therapy -Women’s Support for Sexual Abuse Survivors
I know I am no where near being “cured”, as I know my bipolar is genetic. My Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline, Anxiety and OCD, I’m hoping with a lot of work and time will settle down and as my confidence and self esteem improves. I know I must find ways to cope around the holidays; as they trigger my chronic insomnia among other behaviors.
Borderline’s don’t like being alone and have issues with abandonment. I can certainly attest to that, yet it is things like social anxiety that freeze me in my tracks from social interaction.
What I’m trying to say is just remember that medications don’t fix all, that it does take work by you and sources available to you to help you cope with your mental health.
I wrote this on my Facebook and decided to make a blog on it. It says exactly how I feel.
The holidays are tough for a lot of people, including me. Depression, Social Anxiety and other mental illness flair. It has taken me a lot of courage simply by looking at a rock that was given to me with the inscription “courage” on it today; it helped me to get out of bed, dressed walk my dogs and do a couple of errands.
I struggle tonight.
Having a mental illness and an eating disorder make life a challenge sometimes.
Today in group we were looking at what my worst fears about my recovery are. Like a few things that have transpired in this group, it means examining my eating disorder and challenging him. Each time I do so, he throws crap back at me. I feel like all I want is to part like the red sea and walk down the middle to clear thinking and not distorted thinking. Its tough, but I want to believe not impossible.
I fear not having a foundation. A foundation for me means having something in place, whether it be a support group, friends who are in program, friends who understand; these are easier said than done. The other fear is that after I reach recovery that I will replace my eating disorder behavior with another addiction.
There are other fears surrounding recovery from an eating disorder:
- The pressure to actually being successful in a career
- Losing close connections with support members
- Having real, honest relationships
- Looking a healthy weight, or becoming what society views as overweight
- Pressure from others to maintain good health
Where do I go from here? From the things I have learned, I need to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, perhaps find something to distract myself and hope that later on I will feel better.
Hmmm, I hate it when you get a question like the above, and you have to pick your brain and actually “think” about how do you interact with people?
The assignment is to write a long list without thinking very much about what it is I am writing. Then, if that isn’t hard enough, I have to go through each rule and see if it is really mine or if I “inherited” it from somewhere and tend to follow it unthinkingly. Then, a second time, go through the list again and delete the rules I don’t want, letting others stand, and possibly editing/ revising a few. See how I feel doing this.
Geeish, not too hard!
- Shake hands or hug (depends on person)
- When I accept/make plans with someone to follow through with them
- Use manners
- Dress nicely
- Be approachable
- Be Friendly
- Don’t be negative during the conversation – no one wants to hear me talk about all things negative
- Be helpful if someone is lost
- Be the way I would want to be treated
- Don’t be judgmental
- Be Compassionate
- Put my cell on vibrate (and in my purse) when I’m with someone; I am giving them my full attention
- If someone starts an argument, I choose to rise above as I don’t engage
- Don’t be rude and make jokes about what someone wears or what their name or height is.
- Be kind to everyone (in honor of my cousin Sean)
This was difficult to do because I have never thought about my rules for interacting with people. This project showed me that I have basic concepts and morals that are mine and mine alone. That, I am worth being treated with respect and in return I treat the other person the same way.
I’m glad I decided to take on this project tonight, I almost didn’t.
On the outside, I appear like everyone else. I eat with others at meals, to hide the negative voice of ED as he will punish me later. I have been trying to challenge my social anxiety and while I do this, I notice that I have started to include alcohol to cope with the fears and anxiety of being in public. So now I have binge eating and purging with laxatives, as well as alcohol to help cope when I am out in public.
Body image sucks, as does living by a scale, my mood determined by what a number on the scale says classifies me as a good person or not. I’m starting to learn slowly there is more to me than that. Sadly though I’ve not adjusted to the tags on clothes. I know you can cut them out, but I’m no fool, I can tell the difference between sizes.
As each wall comes cracked and falls, another piece rebuilds and takes on a bad behavior. Although my hope is the behavior is shorter in time, than the life long behavior it has been. I know in my gut I want to live a healthy life, yet before me is challenge and conflict within myself.
These issues are multi layered. Anxiety, Self Esteem, Learning Coping Skills, Specialized therapy, Psychiatry, Medication, it has taken me so very long to get to where I am. I’m not giving up, I just feel aware, yet broken, if that makes any sense.