Time Change and Life Changes

Don’t work with me, being BPD, one of the traits is I don’t like change. I know that the time changing is for a GOOD reason and Spring and Summer are literally around the corner. However, my body and mind doesn’t like it.

My Monday Zumba is now done til April 1, this has me annoyed. Oh sure I can go and do something else, but the kid in me is stomping her feet…. figures! I am working out Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I do have a Zumba class this Wednesday and next Wednesday, so that keeps me happy.

I have felt restless, annoyed, frustrated, anxious, all those heavy emotions that fill up inside of me and usually all it would take is someone to say something that would inadvertently set me off and like an elastic band I words would fly out of my mouth super fast, with no possible chance of me stopping the verbal diarrhea. That, in fact, happened on Saturday. I told my boyfriend to “shut up.” I barely remember saying it.

We were in the middle of doing a rescue pick up and there were a couple of female dogs in one kennel that had started to fight. I felt anxious inside of myself, I wanted to rush the dog I had walking for a potty break and get back to the girls, so we could separate them, get them on lead and out to potty before we gave them lovies and reintroduced them into a new kennel, fresh with new towels and apart from one another.

I don’t remember what exactly “C” said. Just that later on when I saw he looked upset, he told me that he felt disrespected because I told him to “shut up.” That is something I don’t do. In fact, in the 2.4 years we have been together, I don’t think I have ever said something like that to him. At first I brushed it off with “whatever”, but later on I did apologize and explained that I barely remembered saying that. That I remember being concerned for the girl dogs who had been fighting; that I wanted to separate them before they hurt one another.

I did say that I do know that if I’m stressed and feeling anxious, words come out of my mouth without me filtering them. It is not one of my proud moments because I can’t take the words back, once they’re said, they are out there.