Internalizing Emotions

Image result for internalized emotionsIts been a really, really rough week for me. First with my dog passing away very unexpectedly, to my body withholding grief and stress. I haven’t been able to move my neck/back/trap/shoulder all on my left side. This has taught me something that has become an awakening.

I’ve realized that it isn’t the words that have harmed me, it is the years of emotional trauma and what they have done to me on the inside. I describe it as a ball of yarn or rubber bands, held deep inside my belly. Every time an emotion attempts to feel anything, an extension grabs that emotion and tucks it nicely with the rest.

I realize this is fear.

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I’ve been hurt and traumatized for so long, that I don’t trust to believe my feelings anymore. That I am consumed with controlling all I can, that it is what’s inside of me that is dying because it can’t come out to live and be expressed.

I’ve been doing work with PTSD in terms of working on my Borderline Personality. I’ve been learning a lot about triggers. No, I don’t know how to prepare for them to be, but I am learning to become aware what makes me upset.

I don’t know how or when the emotions down dark in my belly will come out and release my soul to feel freedom. Perhaps when I am truly at peace with all things my past, that allows me to move forward and embrace my future.

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Insomnia, it has me by the eyes. I’m exhausted all day, to the point that I fall asleep with a short 20 minute nap at some point during the day. If not, my eyes burn and water with no energy to do anything; I hate it.

The affect it happens to my body is huge, I have no concentration more like limited; stress level is high and my depression is definitely at its worst.

I reflect on why I am struggling and I know it is because of the month of December, holidays, etc. I just hope it goes away soon, It feels like it won’t. I’ve brought it up to my psychiatrist more than once, but he doesn’t say anything; so I don’t know if he is making note of it, or not hearing me.

I know what I feel is real and it is a disorder, but I would give anything for a regular night of sleep.


12 Easy Steps To Self Care

Self Care is not about self – indulgence, its about self-preservation 

Audrey Lorde –

 bows  I  know that we are all approaching the busiest and most stressful time of the year. With that comes over extending ourselves and not taking care of our own mental, physical and emotional health.

I am going to be making sure to use as many of these 12 Steps to Self Care and if you can, I would encourage you to.

  1. If it feels wrong, don’t do it
  2. Say “exactly” what you mean
  3. Don’t be a people pleaser
  4. Trust your instincts
  5. Never speak bad about yourself
  6. Never give up on your dreams
  7. Don’t be afraid to say “No”
  8. Don’t be afraid to say “Yes”
  9. Be kind to yourself
  10. Let go of what you can’t control
  11. Stay away from drama and negativity
  12. LOVE


Acupuncture helps my Bipolar

I struggle with sleep and with lack of sleep creates mid insomnia, the chaos goes on and on. I have recently noticed that with returning to acupuncture, it has been helping to quieten my mind, thereby quieting my stress and the behaviors that follow.

I have just gone back to seeing my acupuncturist twice a week now. My body is not in sync and it is important that it is. What this means is my bowels are constipated and when I’m exhausted I want sweets and other chemically laden foods that I normally would never eat.

I’ve also learned today that there is a point on my body that when flared I become very cold, which means I want a hot chocolate (because we are in Winter); hot chocolate has sugar in it. This all plays with my mental illness.

I find all this learning amazing because my body has been in a state of chronic pain, which means that it will take a while to get the symptoms to reverse; but it is absolutely possible. I do see results and the trick is to quieten my mind so my body can do its own work.

The reason acupuncture helps my bipolar is it quietens my mind and it helps reduce my stress.



Trauma and Repressed Memories

One of the consistent things I have learned about myself is that my mind has troubles with moments and memories. 

A few years ago, while in group therapy, I had begun to experience really intense dreams. When I shared them with group members, I realized that what I was having was repressed memories.  Until then I didn’t know any different about my past life. 

Sometimes I have days where my mind remembers easily, things of my childhood, words flowing out of my mouth as any other person would. However, I have noticed that I have huge gaps in my mind of moments of my life where I not only do not remember, but I also have trouble getting words out of my mouth. It feels like they are all jumbled and trapped; stuck in a cage, blackness all around. My brain draws a blank, not able to form sentences and say them.