Digging in the Deep

Today was the first day back since before Christmas, of attending group therapy. This one is called Building Compassion.

As usual on first day get togethers there is a usual go over of boundaries, expectations, things like that.

We started on a the 3 Pillars of Compassion:

  1. First pillar: Self-kindness
  2. Second pillar: Common humanity
  3. Third pillar: Mindfulness

First Pillar

I try to be kind to myself about my flaws and inadequacies but it is not easy. I see fault a lot of times and reminding myself that it isn’t true is challenging. In times of difficulty/stress being extra kind and caring towards myself isn’t something I think to do, often I usually punish myself. When I feel emotional pain, I go numb because it is a place I have gone to most of my life.

Second Pillar

Reminding myself that I am not perfect and that it is ok to make mistakes, is something I am learning to do and will get better at.  However, when I am really down I struggle with reaching out to other people for support and understanding. When I am upset, reminding myself that I am not alone and that there are lots of other people in the world feeling like I am. This is something that will take practice, a lot of times we do feel alone when we are in our darkest moments. I need to keep aware of the fact that everyone suffers in some way.

Third Pillar

Being mindful is something that I work on and practice, reminding myself that I have a lot to be grateful for. I will be honest though, when I am down I don’t remember to make an effort to focus on what is going well. The same goes for when things upset me, I don’t remember to try to keep a balanced view of the situation.

We talked about your wants and needs as a child and how that affects you today. Some things really struct me hard and I wrote them out as the words came to me. I haven’t decided if I will share them here or not. Sometimes one needs time to process before words are spoken.



WarriorAs the holidays have come to a close, my unbalanced mental state will start to return to a sense of calm.

I don’t wish to whine about all the negative things that have happened. I just want to figure out how to create a life wherein moments such as holidays don’t affect me like they do. That when they do happen (and they will), my “go to” place mindfulness will become so automatic that the emotional rage that often spews out of my mouth will be less.

I saw my psychiatrist this week and he says I am fractured (emotionally), meaning I don’t have balance. I like companionship but as much as I like it, when there is change I just can’t seem to handle it and retreat to living in a means of my own world. I shut down, I isolate and generally feel miserable. He asked me if I had been binging and I said that I had been. In fact I feel the vicious circle yet again. Before the holidays I was doing ok, holidays hit and I stuff my anger with food late at night and starve all day.

I went to my eating disorder support group which I was late showing up because I forgot about it. 3 weeks is a long time in a break, all of us were emotionally charged with everything that had happened for ourselves. I felt ashamed after i shared how my holidays went. I felt like I had over shared. I was told I hadn’t, but that others knew what I meant because at times they have felt that way too. I get really uncomfortable when someone in the group is incredibly upset is experiencing panic attacks and wants to leave once group is over, that person bolts. Even though I am hoping her feelings aren’t anything to do with me and what I shared, its those intense emotions that play in my head.

I am so exhausted, right now I can be wide awake til 230 am and be tired all day usually on 4 hours sleep; have dinner and by 7 to 830ish I am falling asleep. Once I get through that, its like I suddenly perk up again and will be awake well into the night. It isn’t a case of not taking my medications as I do every night. Part of it is a show I had been watching online, but even so, given that I can log in to watch it, I don’t think that is entirely all of it. I find when I force myself to go to sleep, my brain is busy, and my body restless. I hear every little thing, the smallest of sounds and I wake up. Its annoying.


Every night I reflect on things to be grateful for. It does help to write that out, as it shows me that life isn’t all negative and worthless. But honestly, I do struggle with OCD and I have it set in my brain that I must write 5 things to be grateful every night. No one has told me to write 5 things, in fact it has been suggested I write every other day as things will come easier to me. But I still write every night. Its like I enjoy punishing myself mentally.

The Power of Gr...


I met with a person yesterday who runs a support group closer to my home, strictly for eating disorders. She was very friendly and assuring, mentioning that much of what I have been experiencing is common and she has heard it from other clients.

There will be topics each week, just to help us stay on track (I also find having a routine helpful). Yet most of all, there will be others who “get it”. I don’t have to hide, or explain what its like to live with an eating disorder. To know someone or others can support you on your worst day, and embrace you on your greatest.

The downside to this program? its only 10 weeks.

I’m hopeful that during my time in the support group, I will learn of others and perhaps make a friend or two along the way.


Self Forgiveness Mirror Script


Good Morning, today I am sharing what is called the Self Forgiveness Mirror Script. Remember to always be self forgiving and that there is no shame in coming back to re-read this. I will have more next week on the topic Understanding Values.

  • I forgive you for (the past event).
  • You are human being subject to making mistakes and errors.
  • You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.
  • This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given.
  • You will meet the challenge and grow by handling the pain and hurt from the problem (past event) over (to your Higher Power) to take it off your shoulders.
  • You don’t need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).
  • You are a good person. I love you.
  • You deserve my understanding, compassion and forgiveness.
  • You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).
  • I love seeing you, talking to yo and listening to you.
  • You have within you all you need to grow in self esteem, self confidence, self respect and self deservedness.
  • There is nothing you have ever done that can’t be forgiven by me.
  • You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.
  • You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.
  • You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back up on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying, that’s good enough for me.
  • You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).
  • You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.
  • You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self anger and self hatred away.
  • I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulder.
  • I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).
  • I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore
  • I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.
  • You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.
  • Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.
  • You are a lovable, capable special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self growth.

After reading the above, take a moment and ask yourself the following question:

What first steps can I take to become more compassionate with myself as I reserve judgment and accept myself as a human being just trying to survive.

Signs of the Absence of Self-Forgiveness

value-self forgivenessIn continuation of the topic The Compassionate Response, I am going to share what to look for when we don’t forgive ourselves.


Lack of self-forgiveness can result in:

  • A loss of love for yourself
  • Indifference toward yourself and your needs
  • An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared
  • Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self
  • Disrespectful treatment of self
  • Self-pitying
  • Chronic depression
  • Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors and offenses
  • Suspicions about others’ motives, behavior, attitudes and benefits when they are accepting of you
  • Chronic hostility, sarcasm ad cynicism
  • Self name calling, belittling, self demeaning and self destructive behaviors
  • Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change
  • Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self esteem

Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness:

  • I hurt myself so much. How can I ever expect to forgiven for that?
  • No one deserved the treatment I dished out and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.
  • I am sick over what I did. How can I ever forgive myself?
  • I must be inherently evil and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.
  • I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that so why try to forgive what I have done?
  • It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to  repeat my wrongdoings.
  • There are somethings I can never forgive myself for.
  • What has happened in my life is punishment for all the wrong that I have done in the past.
  • I have done too much for which I never be forgiven.
  • If I forgive myself I may come back and hurt myself/others again.
  • I do not deserve any self kindness, self compassion or self forgiveness.

I can honestly say many of those above I have felt and deep down have beaten myself up because of those thoughts. I have learned that for me it is my proverbial “hamster wheel” . The same thing happening over and over, and nothing changes.

As I have been learning about how to increase my self esteem, better understand why I have thought the way I have, I have also been learning HOW to break the negative thoughts that I have carried with me all my life.

This is going to take daily work. I have had 40+ years of thinking one way and it may take more than one self esteem group to have these skills become ingrained.

But I’m worth it, and so are you.

Make sure to return tomorrow where I continue with The Compassionate Response – New Behaviors Needed to Create Self-Forgiveness.

What is Self-Forgiveness?

ForgivenessYesterday, I spoke about being compassionate to ourselves. Today’s topic continues with what is self-forgiveness?

I think this is going to be a huge evaluation, because many times I haven’t forgiven myself for things I have done, often I have bottled up my feelings and have felt shame and guilt.

So what is Self-Forgiveness anyway?

Self-forgiveness is:

  • Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.
  • Letting go of self anger for your past failures, errors and mistakes.
  • No longer needing penance, sorrow and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted personal offense.
  • The act of self love after you have admitted your failure, mistake or misdeed.
  • The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self rejection, quieting the sense of failure and lightening the burden of guilt.
  • The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses (This is going to take some work for me) I have always felt like I am my own worst punisher. 

Negative consequences of the absence of self-forgiveness:

In the absence of self forgiveness, you run the risk of: 

  • Unresolved hurt, pain and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
  • Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.
  • Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.
  • Being caught up in unresolved self anger, self hatred and self blaming.
  • Defensive and distant behavior with others.
  • Pessimism, negativity and non-growth oriented behavior.
  • Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self healing.
  • Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.
  • Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non approval, low self-esteem and low self worth.

Be sure to come back tomorrow as I share Signs of the Absence of Self-Forgiveness

Why are we not compassionate to ourselves?

worthyI normally write my blogs in the morning, but today’s escaped me with various errands and such. I just hope my readers will be able to catch what I have shared today and if not, there’s always tomorrow!

Now, where was I?

Oh yes, why is it we are so good at being empathetic and compassionate to others, but not to ourselves? Fact is, in a lot of instances, if we flipped our compassion and empathetic to ourselves, just imagine what what that would be like? Pretty cool if you ask me.

Do you know what it means to have a Compassionate Response? I want to share with you what I have been learning this week. You don’t have to take it all in if you choose or you can. I found there were parts that really resonated with me, so much so that I came out of this group session realizing I do matter and I am a worthwhile person; that’s the most I have ever felt for as long as I can remember.

To develop a compassionate mind, it is important to make a commitment to a different way of thinking. The OLD way was to judge and then reject. The NEW way requires that you suspend judgment for a few moments. When confronted with a situation that you traditionally evaluate in a negative way, you can instead use a specific series of thoughts that are called

“The Compassionate Response”


The compassionate response begins with 3 questions that are important to ask yourself to promote an understanding of the problematic behavior.

  1. What need was I trying to meet with that behavior?
  2. What beliefs or awareness influenced the behavior?
  3. What pain, hurt or other feelings influenced the behavior?


Next come 3 statements to remind yourself that you can accept (myself) a person without blame or judgment, no matter how unfortunate their choices have been.

  1. I wish __________ hadn’t happened, and it was merely an attempt to meet my needs.
  2. I accept myself without judgment or feelings of wrongness for that attempt.
  3. No matter how unfortunate my decision, I accept myself as someone who is, like all of us, trying to survive.


Finally, 2 statements suggest that the slate can be wiped clean, that it is time to forgive and let go of it.

  1. It’s over, I can let go of it.
  2. Nothing is owed for this experience or decision.

Try to memorize this sequence. Make a commitment to use it whenever you notice you are judging yourself or others. Revise if you wish, so that the language and suggestions feel right for you. Be sure to maintain the basic thrust of the compassionate response: UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTANCE, FORGIVENESS.


I am a human being. I am worthwhile just because I exist and try to survive. I take care of myself. I take myself seriously. I correctly take myself into consideration first in all matters.

I have legitimate needs and wants. I can choose what I need and want without having to justify it to anybody. I make choices and I take responsibility for them.

I always do my best. Each thought and action is the best I am capable of at the time. Because I’m human, I make mistakes. I accept my mistakes without blame or judgment. When I make a mistake, I learn from it. I am imperfect and I forgive myself for my mistakes.

I know that others are equally worthy, equally imperfect. I have compassion for them because they are engaged in the same struggle for survival that I am.