My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.


I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

3 weeks ago my life changed. 3 weeks ago I helped on a 3 car accident fatality. There were 4 dogs involved and I helped by recruiting them to one area with me until family and/or the local shelter contacted.

3 weeks ago a local television crew came to my door courtesy of a neighbor who felt we would provide a “story”, sorry folks my spouse and I don’t work that way and my neighbor now knows NEVER to bring strangers to my home.

3 days ago my property management office gave my personal information to an independent adjuster again without contacting me first.

3 weeks ago I saw my psychiatrist and he said that with so much that has freshly happened he diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Today (3 weeks later I saw my psychiatrist and yep you guessed it PTSD) he has also said he will be there for me as much as possible. 

I have had issues with gastrointestinal problems since the fatality. Cramps, I’ve thrown up, lack of appetite and yet I am very bloated.

I never dreamed that what I am going through would be as a result of helping others. As I said to my psychiatrist I don’t want to use my mental illness in addition to all of this, but I feel incredibly fragile right now. The best way to describe it?

I feel a bunch of emotions on the inside, and I visualize my hands pushing upwards and out of me, but then it doesn’t happen, the cement pushes downwards blocking my soul.



Voices, ED, and Mirrors

Quick Update

ImageFirst I must thank my friend katiecoolady for the photo above. For those who haven’t checked out her blog, you really should. Here is her link

I apologize for not updating since my last post which was about my feeling out of body (or as some call disassociating) from the 3 car fatality last weekend, March 15, 2014.

I’ve been trying to process my visions and feelings around all of this. I’ve been updated and can say that all who were transported to the hospital, (minus the deceased) have now gone home, and the 4 dogs involved are home safe with their families. My spouse and I took flowers to the cross that had been set up by someone (which is right across from my home).

I experience Anxiety to sirens now. I have to talk myself down and remind myself my feet are on the ground and that the sounds will pass. That has never happened before.

I’m between group therapy sessions right now, so my weekly sessions aren’t happening. The first opportunity is April 23,2014.

I’m home a lot, I’ve struggled with getting outside and doing things other than what my brain has decided is ok. So I have given myself permission to garden, go to the store, doctor, appointments, stuff like that. But, social settings I won’t go by myself, and if I were, I stand somewhere where I I’m invisible.I often wonder if I will have balance and ability to go to the beach, sit on a log and watch the sun set and just know that everything will be ok?

We have had a dynamic change with not having 2 vehicles right now. I’ve experienced a huge trigger that I wasn’t expecting, but I’m trying to deal with it as best I can.

ImageThe other thing I have been working on is my senior dog Tika’s fundraising page on YouCaring. You can click on Tika’s Fundraising link here so share and donate. I also post updates. I will be honest, It hasn’t been going very well. I decided to create a Facebook page to help share the importance of dental hygiene for your pet, I’m hopeful that there will be some increased shares. Teeth for Tika’s Facebook page can be found here

So in an attempts to change what I do have control over, I spent some time at my local home hardware store and bought a new bird feeder as well as garden hose and window washer as I am gearing up to wash my outside windows before I put in new soil to help raise existing soil for gardening. Winters here are quite wet and it isn’t unusual to rototiller and mix last season and this season before planting. 


I’d like to take a moment and thank the followers who have joined my blog in the recent weeks. It gives me courage to know that what my life is like makes a difference and my hope is it helps someone else out there.

Well I’m off on this slightly sunny Monday afternoon, to enjoy a cup of tea or my raspberry/strawberry smoothie I made.  I plan on sitting near my fish tank and enjoying my hard work I did on it yesterday, to seeing the new babies :). My bird feeder has been busy too!





My Brain

I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon. I explained the events of the weekend and while I hear him being proud of me, honestly proud isn’t why I did what I did. In my brain I did it for the animals, to which they are all home with loved ones.

My physical and emotional self, now that’s a different story. Dr. M said that everything is very raw right now, it hasn’t even been longer than 2 days so in his mind he isn’t surprised I am showing symptoms of PTSD. In fact that is what he diagnosed me as. (Great another label).

Symptomatically my stomach is in knots and my nose smells food and one moment I am hungry the next I am not. Today I doubled over in very bad stomach cramps, another physical sign that my body is traumatized by what I saw. As I said to Dr. M. as we are talking, I still see the deceased in the room we are talking in, in his vehicle sitting in it, right beside him.

Victim’s Services said to keep my routine, whatever that may be. I don’t have much of one, but if it means getting outside everyday I can do that, I have dogs lol.

I don’t see him til the 14th of April, and until then he wants to leave everything as is medication wise, which I am happy about. After all, we just got that sorted out I’d hate to increase dosages and start all over again.


Out of Body Feeling

Yesterday I was one of a few first responders on scene to a multiple car fatality. You can read more about it here

I keep having visions of the deceased, I see him everywhere. I see everything about that afternoon. Friends said to take the support of Victim’s Services and call them and I have done so. I am relieved that what I am experiencing is “normal” “i.e. as a result of the trauma”.

I did look up PTSD for symptoms and ways I could help myself. I don’t know if I can help myself, I believe I can, but is this something my psychiatrist can help me with? Is this something my therapist can help me with, or is this yet another qualified person who can help me?

My moods swing, one minute scattered, and I call it “little” as in childlike in behavior; The next I feel annoyed and frustrated. Why does everything with my moods have to do with feeling angry?

Victim’s Services wanted me to know that what we did yesterday with gathering the dogs helped a lot as it meant the paramedics, fire and police department could focus more on the scene. She told me not to take that lightly, that although it may have felt minor, it really isn’t.

They say everything happens for a reason and I being a spiritual person, I have lit a candle for the deceased, his family and to the ones involved yesterday. If there is a lesson for me to be learned, I am hopeful that I will see and I will take what I need from it and go forward.

In the meantime, my processing of this tragedy has only just begun.



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