My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.


I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Letting Go

I believe in having your own Personal Power. My own personal power is something that I strive for and work with daily. I’m very pleased at where I have come in the last couple of years. Nothing is 100%, but to the progress of letting go, I pat myself on my own back.

**Letting Go**

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring, it means
I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off, it is the realization that I cannot control another.

To “let go” is not to enable but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go”is not to try to change or blame another, it’s to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not failing.

To “let go” is not to care for but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge or fix, but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but allow others to affect their own destinies.

To “let go” is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

Author Unknown

The changes and growing of my life with mental health

Robin Williams death has brought me full circle. 20 odd years ago, it was first suspected I was struggling with major depression as a result of a break up that was very abusive. However, my family doctor back then questioned me being bipolar. I was put on medication, had a stay in the hospital and then was placed in group therapy.

Nothing was ever talked about. I worked full time and I was paranoid if I said anything, I would be fired or deemed unreliable. As it was I already caught every cold and flu that would get passed around the office…. The stigma was so strong, that it made me freeze inside.

I lived alone (for the most part) and would do whatever it took to not be. I binge drank, which I have learned often goes hand in hand with Bipolar and Depression. I barely spoke to my family, if at all and inside I felt dead. All I wanted was someone to support me, to understand what I wasn’t. I didn’t know what depression was let alone bipolar.

Sexual behaviors were high right up there with binge drinking. Anything to numb the overwhelming darkness, the flatness of the life I was living. The proverbial hell that didn’t seem to be changing whatsoever.

Depression at one point very nearly took my life. All I could see was black inside my mind’s eye. Yet, the only thing I could also see was a white rope, no top or bottom. I made a promise to myself that so long as I saw that rope, I would not take my life. Earlier this week, a therapist said to me, when I questioned why I wouldn’t take my life, she said that perhaps it was my little girl who inside of me, never felt love and she was the one who was stopping me. It has left me wondering and in a lot of ways it makes sense.

Today, I am over 4 years in with solid therapy and outpatient group therapy. I have a psychiatrist who has helped me with putting me on medication that seems to helping me. My dream is to have control over the behaviors that I have carried all my life. I am beginning to understand that the behaviors of my childhood have formed my beliefs today. Slowly, as each belief is challenged I am learning how to break the belief and put it in its rightful place.

My goal is that when I am in my senior years, that the bulk of my demons are faced or diminished. I know there is no timeline or schedule. As well I have to keep in mind with the gray Fall and Winter that I live with.

I am on permanent disability and as for going back to work, it is unlikely. I do like volunteering and have a couple of things I do that help my self worth.

A Beautiful Mind

July 24, 2014, a day I will never forget, a piece of my past surfaced that I didn’t even know existed. Shocked and confused I pushed through the emotions. Anxiety set in, I was going to write out my food cop’s inner dialogue, I have never ever shared that with anyone before. Words started to flow as I wrote them out on my picture as to what my Food Cop says to me. Suddenly something came out of me I never saw coming.

“Its your fault your dad died”, “If you were more like your sister, you would be loved”

There are more, but for just a moment, I will work on these two. I remember feeling so many emotions as I saw these two sentences. Suddenly I felt scared, anxious, teary, sad to name but a few that I remember. Not only had I never thought about blaming myself about my dad’s death, but the one thought about my sister in times growing up, sure I had jealousy, but I never saw it as a contributing factor with my Food Cop. This is my personal food cop, feel free to click on the photo to see what I have written.

Food Cop July 2014

A week has passed and my binging behaviors have been very out of control, old patterns have been in full swing and by that I mean drinking to excess, over eating, not eating, making myself sick on purpose, calling myself very terrible names in the mirror and just in general.

Today I just couldn’t take it anymore, I contacted my therapists, unfortunately they weren’t available. I reached out to the one person who has been there through this journey of hell. She answered.

She spent about 15 to 20 minutes working through with me why I was feeling what I was feeling. See, this woman who was my very first contact in mental health instantly “got me”. She knew I had Borderline before I even knew I had borderline. We talked about how Borderline people see things very, very differently than the average person. We don’t see things in grey, we see them in black in white. We are very competitive and will do whatever it takes to win.

She enlightened me to see that the root of my issues are with my little girl. We talked about honoring the little girl within me, that although my adult intellectual side knows what is going on, my subconscious that is attached to my heart, soul and emotions (which is controlled by my little girl) is very upset. Consequently both are colliding. My little girl has been neglected and abandoned for a very long time and she is demanding to be noticed now. When I don’t notice her, she feels brushed aside and the only way she gets her attention is by doing what she has been doing.

The movie “A Beautiful Mind” instantly came to mind as the character John Nash, a man who is a mathematical genius struggling with schizophrenia. The reason my situation drew me back to this movie is that in it, Russell Crowe’s character, John, has 3 significant people continually around him, one being a little girl. Through the movie, she would surface and he would be drawn to her, sometimes she would be very demanding and he wasn’t able to address her. This is what I have been doing.

As John Nash sought help with his schizophrenia, with the means of ECT back in the 1960’s it is nothing like it is now, and with the aid of medication and therapy, John slowly began to heal and each time the 3 characters came to him in his mind, although tempted, he would be able to reduce his contact with them. To me this represented his healing process. The little girl was probably one the most difficult to let go.

I realized that although I am not schizophrenic, I relate to this movie incredibly well. I relate to the theory, I relate to the subconscious acting in the manner that John’s had been and I too am hopeful that with work on recognizing and acknowledging mine, my little girl will start to trust me, so I can be on my way to a healthy mind.



Fallen off and disitracted

I know I am not the first person to fall off of a weight loss program and have life distractions but I can’t help but feel miserable about the increase in weight. I am however, looking at this opportunity to get back on track and I started by writing down my food intake this morning and now this blog.

I don’t do well with extreme stress and there has been some. I forget to take care of me, I forget to make sure I eat and drink healthy. I’m not that much of a junk foodie, as I only think of calories that aren’t good for me.

Mentally, I am tired, lack of sleep or poor sleep doesn’t help weight loss either. I know serotonin when not where it needs to be in a healthy way, adds fat around one’s waist, hips and thighs. This is a challenge to get off, but I think as my doctor says, just keep moving and doing stuff and it will start to go.

The other thing I have noticed is my memory. I have the worst memory! My doctor said that exercise will increase memory as will reduction of stress.

So now that I have gotten this off my chest, it is time to get on with my day.

Anxiety and Having an Eating Disorder

I know its been awhile since I have written. I have felt like I don’t have anything to contribute, but after the last little while of experiencing what I have determined to be anxiety in an extreme fashion, and my spouse said it would be a good idea to write out what is bothering me.

On my journey of healing with my eating disorder, the next step is what is called meal support. Meal support is where you meet once a week with other members and share a meal. The guidelines are that the foods come from the food groups, nothing is fat free and the meal has to be complete. Today at the grocery store I came across a lunch kit that has little tupper ware containers for your food and contents to go into. I felt the knot grow in my stomach as I touched different kinds of products. I am thinking it is because I am going to be held accountable with others, versus eating when I want and what I want.

The cramping this last week has had me in the washroom and I’ve been concerned because its been upsetting plans.

Then the changes happening around my home, have rattled my nerves, things I don’t handle very well as it is. I’ve applied some distraction techniques but things don’t always come together when you want them too.

I haven’t done any walking since Monday and I know I really miss it. I have, however, been lighting my incense because the scent helps put me in a calm place. I also did some gardening today, however, I do have some grass cutting and a central air unit that needs to be finished cleaning.

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