My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding


I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be “normal” or not.

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I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Anxiety and Having an Eating Disorder


I know its been awhile since I have written. I have felt like I don’t have anything to contribute, but after the last little while of experiencing what I have determined to be anxiety in an extreme fashion, and my spouse said it would be a good idea to write out what is bothering me.

On my journey of healing with my eating disorder, the next step is what is called meal support. Meal support is where you meet once a week with other members and share a meal. The guidelines are that the foods come from the food groups, nothing is fat free and the meal has to be complete. Today at the grocery store I came across a lunch kit that has little tupper ware containers for your food and contents to go into. I felt the knot grow in my stomach as I touched different kinds of products. I am thinking it is because I am going to be held accountable with others, versus eating when I want and what I want.

The cramping this last week has had me in the washroom and I’ve been concerned because its been upsetting plans.

Then the changes happening around my home, have rattled my nerves, things I don’t handle very well as it is. I’ve applied some distraction techniques but things don’t always come together when you want them too.

I haven’t done any walking since Monday and I know I really miss it. I have, however, been lighting my incense because the scent helps put me in a calm place. I also did some gardening today, however, I do have some grass cutting and a central air unit that needs to be finished cleaning.

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False Fronts


On the outside, I appear like everyone else. I eat with others at meals, to hide the negative voice of ED as he will punish me later. I have been trying to challenge my social anxiety and while I do this, I notice that I have started to include alcohol to cope with the fears and anxiety of being in public. So now I have binge eating and purging with laxatives, as well as alcohol to help cope when I am out in public.

Body image sucks, as does living by a scale, my mood determined by what a number on the scale says classifies me as a good person or not. I’m starting to learn slowly there is more to me than that. Sadly though I’ve not adjusted to the tags on clothes. I know you can cut them out, but I’m no fool, I can tell the difference between sizes.

As each wall comes cracked and falls, another piece rebuilds and takes on a bad behavior. Although my  hope is the behavior is shorter in time, than the life long behavior it has been. I know in my gut I want to live a healthy life, yet before me is challenge and conflict within myself.

These issues are multi layered. Anxiety, Self Esteem, Learning Coping Skills, Specialized therapy, Psychiatry, Medication, it has taken me so very long to get to where I am. I’m not giving up, I just feel aware, yet broken, if that makes any sense. Famous-Thoughts-Quotes-with-Images-Positive-thought-Always-end-the-day-with-a-positive-thought.-No-mater-how-hard-things-were-tomorrows-a-fresh-opportunity-to-make-it-better

 

What to Process


I know for weeks now I’ve not written a blog. I know I’ve thought about it and pushed it aside, feeling like I have nothing to write, even if it is for my own personal growth. 

I’m in an Anxiety Group that just started last week. Its early, but so far its been helpful to talk to other people who have or having experienced what fears are with leaving your house, wanting to go to social events and just have a life. There are many avenues to Anxiety and I am just learning a few that truly show me what I experience. 

I have also been having one on one sessions of Integrated Healing. I have found this form of therapy to be incredibly helpful in tapping to my soul. I’m working with my inner child, last session she really made it known how mad she gets…. we will keep working with her. 

I started back with my eating disorder group – skills program about 3 weeks ago. I’ve been really feeling challenged with this because of my black and white thinking. I’ve worked really hard to lose weight and now many months later my will and desire to see this through has me not caring. The choices I know are mine to take and mine to process, yet in the moment when I binge it really doesn’t matter until I step on the scale, only then do I see where my responsibility lays. Oh I know people say the numbers don’t mean anything, but if that weren’t true, then why are scales made? 

My brain is all over right now, scattered one minute and then flat the next. 

Fighting the Darkness


I am in a dark place. I know I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress, my focus and direction lost. Having an ‘invisible’ illness does challenge me but in my journey of growth and healing, honesty to myself about my mental illness and vulnerability keeps me accountable.

My eyes water, not from tears of sadness, but exhaustion. 

I know that SAD (Season Affected Disorder) has been bad today (Raining, cloudy day, low mood, ending of the full moon). I ate gluten free today so I’m aware of mindfulness. Yet I am drained emotionally. Its not about carbs or sugars for I’ve been guarded against them. I think its the trauma of 3 weeks ago and pushing through that. Never having dealt with any grief before I am seeing where the Goddess wants me to learn this. Just so draining. 

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder


3 weeks ago my life changed. 3 weeks ago I helped on a 3 car accident fatality. There were 4 dogs involved and I helped by recruiting them to one area with me until family and/or the local shelter contacted.

3 weeks ago a local television crew came to my door courtesy of a neighbor who felt we would provide a “story”, sorry folks my spouse and I don’t work that way and my neighbor now knows NEVER to bring strangers to my home.

3 days ago my property management office gave my personal information to an independent adjuster again without contacting me first.

3 weeks ago I saw my psychiatrist and he said that with so much that has freshly happened he diagnosed me with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Today (3 weeks later I saw my psychiatrist and yep you guessed it PTSD) he has also said he will be there for me as much as possible. 

I have had issues with gastrointestinal problems since the fatality. Cramps, I’ve thrown up, lack of appetite and yet I am very bloated.

I never dreamed that what I am going through would be as a result of helping others. As I said to my psychiatrist I don’t want to use my mental illness in addition to all of this, but I feel incredibly fragile right now. The best way to describe it?

I feel a bunch of emotions on the inside, and I visualize my hands pushing upwards and out of me, but then it doesn’t happen, the cement pushes downwards blocking my soul.

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