My own reality and the self check I’ve been avoiding

I started off “ok” this morning, much to the broken sleep I had. Yet even after a conversation with my best girl and laughing and catching up, plans discussed and meetings agreed to; I never left my home. The thoughts have been creeping in today, my own mind’s eye has been taking inventory of my self. 

It is much easier to focus on my cousin and his very recent death. Its been enlightening to be able to share what has been given to me, and know that maybe I can make a difference to someone in a positive and helpful way. . 

The feelings that I have been feeling are ones that I have told myself are not going to give me any answers, if anything they will cause me to spiral further down in a direction versus the fighting I have been doing to stay on top. Sean’s death on March 18, 2012, shocked me in ways I’m sure many can relate to. I spent all that time prior to his Celebration of Life service this past Wednesday, non emotional. I questioned my mortality, as I questioned how is it I have felt little in emotion and it took my Uncle’s anguish to truly feel his pain and realize the full extent of what has happened. 

I realized then that Sean really wasn’t coming back and that no matter how many times I wished him back, he wouldn’t be. That has left me very bewildered and confused, when I’ve thought of ending my life, I’ve never thought of what it would do to anyone else. When I’ve been in that space in my head, the dark black pit, it isn’t simply because someone turned the lights out, it is the point where if left to my own devices (at that time), I wouldn’t be here. I have my sister to thank for that, she drove me to the hospital and stayed with me the 9+ hours it took to get me registered and into a room, where I ended up staying for 16 days. 

My ED hasn’t gone anywhere, as much as I had hoped it would just quieted down, it hasn’t. I’ve spent most of today on links and sites trying to figure out what really my caloric intake is order for me to lose weight. My old pattern of not eating much, working out is no longer what works for me. 

I’ve had way too many dramatic changes in my life, that I feel like I’m slowly starting to make some changes that are for the better. Yet, the changes get trumped whenever something major happens and then all the work I have been doing for myself, ends up getting placed on the back or side burner. Sometimes I can mentally force myself to push through the negativity and focus on what’s good and important.

Today isn’t one of those days. 

All I’ve wanted to do is stay in bed (which I pretty much have), other than having a shower, change of clothes and some housework. The weather has greatly affected my mood today, but it has for many days. I have thought about what it would cost for a Sun Lamp but after googling that and seeing how much they cost, chances are unless I can somehow get the Ministry of Social Services and Housing to cover it, not likely to happen. 

So I am totally at a loss as to know if what I am feeling happens to be ”normal” or not.

I wonder if I will ever know what it feels like to have an “off” day, but not have it carry on for days and days. I know that the work I am doing is for my betterment, yet when I have a major life event happen. It throws me for a serious loop.  

What is my coping mechanism for this?

Jodi Arias – Mental Health Stigma Heightened

Will Jodi Arias take the stand to save her life? Today is the last day of this 4 1/2 month court case. We have heard from Travis Alexander’s family, who have waited 5 years to speak to the jury, it was gut wrenching to hear his brother and sister speak.  I can’t imagine what it must be like to hear the statements, read text messages, voice mails that appear to be cut and pasted to make Travis Alexander appear as a pedophile, as a sex addict and as an abuser. 

I, like many people, have followed this trial of Jodi Arias. For those that don’t know, read my blog http://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/personality-traits-and-jodi-arias/.

I struggle with a mental illness, I am a domestic abuse survivor, I have been at rock bottom and I chose to work on my mental health and own what is my responsibility. 

When I heard that it is clear that Jodi Arias has a mental illness, that to expect her to give an honest answer to questions asked, is unrealistic. I cringed. I cringed because that means that she doesn’t and won’t own anything she has ever done. Many people have expressed disgust at Jodi’s description of being a domestic abuse victim. While I am not Jodi, I do not know if anything she has said is minutely the truth. I can assume none of it is the truth, but that is my frustration speaking. 

My feeling is that the work that has been done to promote the complexities of mental illness. The already strong stigmas associated with Depression, Schizophrenia, Anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, BiPolar 1 and 2, Borderline Personality Disorder, Eating Disorders, Social Anxieties, etc., will now be associated with criminals like Jodi Arias.  

I’ve had a huge battle to get where I am in finally getting a diagnosis other than being called depressed, chronically depressed, and struggled to keep employment with the assumptions made about me. I don’t work but not because I don’t want to, but because my mental illnesses are complex and multi layered. Yet the stigma associated with already having a mental illness, already panic me at the mere thought of going for a job interview because I have no idea how I would describe the several years I haven’t worked for fear of being judged and deemed unstable to work with any company. 

Now with the likes of Jodi Arias and her delusions that while she did murder Travis Alexander, she hasn’t owned that she did it because of jealousy, among many reasons. My fear is that when people hear I have a mental illness, that they will assume I have the potential to be a murderer, that I will be a criminal, that I will be unpredictable, such as Jodi is. No one knows what she will say, if she takes the stand today. No one believes she will apologize and be authentic in her statement. 

I understand why no one would believe her. She has changed her story so many times, it is like watching a chameleon morphing to suit whomever is defending her. Her tears are for her not for what she has taken away, the consequences associated with the severity and brutality of the crime committed.  The tears of for Jodi. 

While I am not a proponent for the death penalty; I see it as the belief that two wrongs don’t make a right or an eye for an eye. Sure American tax dollars will be what pay for her to live in jail for life, perhaps in solidarity seeing that she appears to love being the center of attention, to have people talking about her. 

I really, really hope that all the work that has been done, the years it has taken to speak, to educate and to promote that anyone who has a mental illness are a vital person to society, that although we (and I say we, not I) may be complex in our emotions, we are still quite capable to be employed in employment not just on minimum wage. For many years, I held and sustained employment as a legal secretary. That we are treated equally and fairly.

 

Awareness

Well that’s a start, a title.

I wanted to write yesterday, but any time I opened up a “new post” I could feel the words sitting inside my head and mouth.

Today’s group was on some really deep stuff. Suicide, Rescuing Someone, Triggers, Anxiety, Guilt, Emotions, Empathy, Flatness of emotions.

I could hear the feelings being shared by others and I voiced how I would give anything to “feel” those same emotions. To remember what tears felt like for another adult human being. I understand that I am very protective of children and animals, because they are not only unconditional in their affections, but that I want to make sure that no one ever goes through what I have.

I’ve been struggling with anger… a lot. My spouse has noticed that at some point in the afternoon, my mood changes and I become very snappy and argumentative. I brought this up in group yesterday and one of the members suggested that I write the time down when I or he notices my mood shift. I did this last night, about 5:00-5:30 pm. The trigger I don’t exactly recall, it could have been the home alarm we have that seems to go off every single time any steam arises from the kitchen. It could be the resentment I feel, whenever I feel like I am doing things he could be taking care of. I’m not really sure.

I reflected in group how all my long term relationships all have said at some point they all noticed how angry I am. That they felt like they couldn’t do anything right no matter what it is. I know I don’t like this portrayal. Yet, I feel like I have the Berlin Wall up and nothing will penetrate it.

Someone said to me today that they see it as a protective wall, I’ve put around myself. I know they are right. I asked aloud if perhaps questioning this wall means I am starting to put a “crack” in it? Kind of like the dam that slowly starts to leak before it floods wide open.

So I don’t know what it will take for me to truly feel emotions for adults. We talked about very heavy topics today and I know I was relating to what was being shared, yet I also checked in with myself and I felt “flat”.  Its like looking at a heart monitor machine and the flat line going across the screen.

 

Falling through the cracks of the mental health system

I was reading another blog and the link that was attached has really irritated me. I am really bothered by the various cutbacks in my township. What more has to happen so that everyone who struggles with mental illness receives treatment?

I challenge every constituent currently running in the election, to present an outline of how they will improve the mental health system so that everyone (including myself) stops falling through the cracks; to the people who have died because of not having a support system available to them; to the after hours mental health telephone system being discontinued, where are those in need supposed to call?

“One in four British Columbians suffer from some form of mental illness. This can range from depression to severe mental illness. When cuts come, the first place the government seems to target are the services for these patients,” said Gill.

“We are at Abbotsford Regional Hospital today (May 9) because just recently it has felt the effects of these cuts. It contains a closed adolescent psychiatric ward and a now only half open adult ward. Just a week ago, the mental health after-hours information telephone line was discontinued.”

Credit to:

Read more: http://www.abbotsfordtimes.com/news/Abbotsford+candidate+calls+creation+mental+health+agency/8368854/story.html#ixzz2T79hVC9b

 

Fundraising for Lexi

Lexi was surrendered to our Organization – https://www.facebook.com/pages/Out-of-the-Dog-House-Rescue/208585425901723?fref=ts Out of the Dog House Rescue. She has been neglected and after her visit with our vet May 7, 2013, she is going to need surgery to remove stones in her bladder, if we don’t have them removed, she will continue to bleed when she urinates. She needs to have teeth extracted as they are rotten.

Won’t you please find it in your heart to donate to a very worthwhile cause? To be able to give Lexi the opportunity to live her life to the fullest. She is 5 1/2 years old and was locked in a bedroom only to be let out for bathroom breaks. She is incredibly loving and has been doing very well with her foster family and her pets. Lexi, does have an interest in the cats, but given everything she has gone through, she has been doing very very well. She walks well on a leash, she does listen to instructions. She is very cuddly and loves car rides LOL!

Originally posted on Wags and Wiggles page on Facebook and blogged on Rambling Pets https://www.facebook.com/pages/Out-of-the-Dog-House-Rescue/208585425901723?fref=ts

To donate please go to

https://www.youcaring.com/lexi

Grab our Widget, help spread the word

Thank you so very much~!

Determination and Progress

Someone asked me today what steps I had taken till I was referred to a psychiatrist. I realized in my reply that it has been quite the process. Here is the outline.

I” had gone to my family doctor last Fall and complained that I really felt my Effexor wasn’t helping me and given he wasn’t my original prescribing doctor, he admitted that he wasn’t sure why I was on them, other than he knew I was and just kept me on them. When I told him I wanted off of them, I also told him the diagnosis that a different psychiatrist had given (and he has a copy of) of Borderline Personality Disorder, he realized it was better for me to be seen by a psychiatrist so I could get a thorough diagnosis and have my medication checked. I had to wait about 3 to 4 months and have now seen him 3 times now. In my case, it has worked out very well. 

I have taught myself that the only one who will look after me, is me; no one else. That it is up to me to seek the treatment I deserve to have, because I do not want to live like this anymore. 

Since I have been back to Vancouver, it has taken me 3 1/2 years to get this far, but it has taken continuous work, seeking help with a mental health worker who helped me a ton, she suggested the walk in mood disorder clinic to see the psychiatrist who got the ball rolling with my diagnosis of BPD. From there, I went back to the mental health worker, and worked with her and getting into rapid access group therapy. I did 8 weeks of group therapy there once a week. 

From there I got a referral to Group Therapy Services at the hospital and for the next 18 months, I did every program in the sequence, one of which went for 30 weeks. 

From there, I went and conversed with the therapist who oversaw my file. We talked about options and how I would have to take about a 6 month break because it is not healthy to continue for long long periods (I disagree but that’s me). 

Combined with her and back to Mental Health, it was determined I would benefit from an Interpersonal Group at the hospital. I started that program in April of this year. I am in this program for 16 weeks. 

I have also considered alternative health and have been working with a naturopath regarding diet and nutrition. I’ve worked at trying to incorporate exercise into my routine, and have struggled with that, due to a history with an eating disorder and excessive exercising. 

To anyone seeking further support other than just their family physician, have a heart to heart with your doctor. Be honest, tell him/her what your symptoms are, that you are nervous to be open with him/her because you are afraid you won’t be taken seriously. It is true that we have to be our own advocate. 

Failing all the above, there are advocates who will help you~ I know this first hand and yes, they have helped me in the past. 

Credit given to Emma@BPD Community/ Facebook 2013.

 

Another Piece

Yesterday I wrote about if what I have been feeling is anxiety or mania, you can read about it here http://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/anxiety-or-mania/.

Well today at my psychiatrist appointment, I discussed what I have been writing down in my calendar journal, he has diagnosed me with Bipolar 2. We have reduced my Effexor XR to 150mgs and increased the Lamotigrine to 100mgs,

I feel like another piece of the puzzle describes why I’ve acted the way I have for years, but other than one doctor 20 years ago, where he questioned being Bipolar, no one else has. I was just diagnosed chronically depressed. I know I slipped through the cracks in the medical system, I’m not the first and sadly I won’t be the last.

I can only keep moving forward with my multi layers of labels, continue with my therapy and grow from there. I can’t change my past and the mistakes I have made, I had no control over. I own them, but I now understand my actions more than before.

My family has not shown any interest in understanding what I have lived with, they have only chosen to blame me by saying “a lot of stuff has happened and they don’t see the hurt changing anytime”. Oh well, not going to dwell on that, I’ve already lost enough time in my life.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month

Reblogged from Bipolar Lessons:

• 
• 

Presidential Proclamation—May 2013 is National Mental Health Awareness Month

President Obama calls upon citizens, government agencies, organizations, health care providers, and research institutions to raise mental health awareness and continue helping Americans live longer, healthier lives. For many of the tens of millions of Americans who are living with a mental health issue, getting help starts with a conversation; talking about it with someone they trust and consulting with a health care provider.

Read more… 307 more words