Pushing Through the Pain

I’ve got so much filtering through my head. I don’t know where to begin.

When I started my eating disorder program last November, I really felt that the travel to wellness was going to happen. After exposure to some other groups and such; I’ve had different emotions arise, many I hadn’t expected or dreamed of. I remind myself that in order to heal I have to do this work.

I finished two groups last week, that’s a lot to process. I’m someone who, like many who have a mental illness, don’t like change, there is a fear of abandonment associated with change. Yet, I know moving forward is the only way to push through this stuff and bring me to the side of life I want to be. The side where (most of the time) my negative thoughts are under control as is my life.

E.D. has been making my life hell because my emotions have been as well. I’ve been half doing things, making the cycle really bad. I have two books sitting here, that I know will be of benefit to me, and for the first time in a long time, I can’t stay interested in them. I can, however, color in a coloring book for a few minutes at a time. So I do that.

I’m still engaging in food restriction because I am determined to lose more weight. I have about 30 lbs to bring me to a healthy area for my age and body mass index. Although I have been told that the body mass index is no longer used by the medical community. Well that’s all fine, but to someone with an eating disorder, it is still used.

Pushing through the pain, I can tell you for me I have felt stuck, I’ve wanted to retreat inside myself and I’ve wanted to run, no where to, just run away. I’ve felt isolated, I’ve wanted to be invisible and in a desperate battle to get myself through the pain.