Deep within my mind….

I have been  to keep a food journal for a week by my naturopath.

As I wrote about recently in

I have a history with anorexia, bulimia and emotional eating. The idea with recording is to see where I am eating and how much. 

On Wednesday this week, it will be one week, I have seen that I really struggle to meet the daily caloric intake. I was talking with my boyfriend last night and it was during this conversation that I realized that even though it looks like I am eating a lot, when you break it down, I’m not.

What does this tell me?

It tells me that subconsciously, my anorexia is still within me. That hold and control is there, just like it was years ago.  I also been able to see where the fat content is and what it is in. So I will be making further changes to my food intake.

 I have come to realize that with keeping my food journal for my naturopath, that my history with ED is still very deep within in my mind’s eye. I guess it makes sense given I’ve never addressed it really. Even when I stayed in the hospital 20 years ago, it was never discussed. I went voluntarily for severe depression, but I was also severely underweight. 

So now I am questioning if I will ever overcome my ED, on top of my adjusting to life without natural hormones. My greatest fear is of being obese, I can’t seem to give myself permission to accept that I am doing what I can to help myself. 

I struggle with the fear and ridicule I endured with my mother growing up. I also struggle with the vivid memory of her grabbing the inside of my inner thigh and saying that I had some extra meat on me. That caused me to go to Curves and drop 25 pounds! 

Just not sure how I’m to feel right now, other than defeated and out of control.