I thought I would share something that I think is pretty cool! Take a look and let me know your thoughts!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,600 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 6 years to get that many views.
Click here to see the complete report.
I have been in a rage for most of today. It seems like everything I see and hear instantly causes me to be pissed off. My cat Ella, anytime she goes to my blinds she bats them and it drives me crazy! She is such a demanding little diva. I’ve sprayed her with my water bottle and that does work for a short while but eventually she will make her way back to her perch. See, she seems to think if she bats the blinds long enough, I will cave and feed her. If she wins, its because I am tired of yelling at the top of my lungs and scaring my other pets.
I feel like a pathetic loser! Seriously, how do I become so freaked out about something like a cat batting the blinds, or hearing my dog walking up and down the hallway tapping his or her nails on the floor that if I don’t catch myself, I would throw a cup at the target causing me grief?
I happened to be looking at my calendar today and saw that today is a full moon. I don’t know about any of you, but I do know, that when there is a full moon, I do find my emotions and hormones do seem to become super heightened.
So, one moment I am this raging, hateful woman who is scaring all her animals. Then when that phase passes, I feel absolutely terrible and I am apologizing to each and every one of them. The guilt I feel is so consuming, you would think I would be crying and hysterical in begging for forgiveness, but that seldom happens.
I hate that everyday I wake up with never knowing how I will be.
I hate that I live with a mental illness.
I hate that I deal with something that was caused by trauma in my childhood.
I am also very tired of hearing “you didn’t have control then, but you do now”. Umm, yea I know. However, just because I know that I have control, doesn’t always mean I HAVE control. Two very different things.
I’ve tried counting anything, stopping myself before I speak, holding my breath, knitting, lighting a candle, lighting incense, and taking my dogs outside. I have found that turning down the tv and making the room I’m in quieter seems to help some.
I did text my therapist and updated her as to what was happening.
I did chat with my guy about all of this, but he feels helpless as to what he can do. Not to mention he is away visiting his family for the Christmas break.
I seriously feel like I am at my wits end… February can not get her fast enough.
Today is Christmas and not only have I been under the weather, but the emptiness I feel inside my heart has me feeling a loss like I have never felt (or if I have, perhaps I’ve just been able to dull the feelings so they didn’t hurt like this).
I went and left a comment on my cousin’s Facebook wall. He took his own life March 18, 2012. He had a mental illness and had been struggling for some time. I wrote on his wall how much he is truly missed. I also spoke to my uncle on Christmas Eve. I had wanted to see if I could spend Christmas with him and his family, but unfortunately plans were already set and there wasn’t any room. No worries, I did leave it late. My uncle and I had a good talk. He had no idea the troubles with my own health that I have been dealing with. He knows I have a mental illness, but I think it was the depth of what has been going on is what stunned him.
He asked me if I would be seeing my mom and sister and I said no. He was shocked, he thought for sure I would be with family. I told him I had received a Christmas Hamper this year and that I could have gone to the Salvation Army’s Dinner, but he said it isn’t the same and I said no it isn’t. I asked how he was doing, how my aunt was doing, since my cousin’s death. He said auntie isn’t doing well, and weekly can be found at my cousin’s grave. He said he had gone to the cemetery and set up a tree. He said it is all very surreal and I truly understand what he was saying. He said so many little things remind him of my cousin. See my cousin loved Christmas. He loved family and he loved being with everyone.
I admitted to my uncle that I no longer look forward to December and that includes my birthday. He was saddened that I hadn’t received anything from my mother or my sister. I said if you thought life was bad when I was a kid, it is 10x worse now. I said I don’t know if it is part of the dynamic of my mother’s marriage or my sister’s marriage, but I don’t fit either.
I told him I have friends who are parents who have said that no matter how challenging your child may be, you don’t just write them off. He said he agrees, and that is why this is so difficult for him to understand. You have to understand he has known my mother since she was a teenage girl and she is now a woman who is in her mid 60’s. So I can understand how this is very difficult for him. I asked him about my other uncle. He said he hadn’t spoken to him, but did send him a Christmas card, something he hadn’t done in a long while. I said I too had sent one to my sister.
I was to phone him and let him know if I was going to my other cousin’s place for dinner tonight and if i wasn’t that we would figure something out. I’m not going to do that. While I am under the weather, I am not going to have people make room for me.
I have stated lately that my home makes me feel safe and my pets are my world. Yet, I feel like they consume me. I have so much shame inside of me, that I think the reason I stay home is because I am ashamed of who I am, who I have become. My animals, they don’t care what I look like, or what I wear. All they care about is giving me kisses, me taking them out for their potty breaks and for a good meal.
I miss the feeling of family in all its dynamic. I miss being around a festive home, children playing with their new toys, laughter amongst everyone. Catching up with my cousins, sharing time with everyone. As I said to my uncle, I never had to “try” to fit in when I was with them. I just fit in, like a regular person, equal with everyone else.
Now, I am in my home, with my animals, alone, sitting on my bed, playing the odd game on my laptop, watching the snow fall outside.
What happened?
I struggle with many emotions every single day.
Am I happy, sad, angry…. these seem simple compared to what I feel deep inside.
Inside I feel anguish, shame, guilt, embarrassment, those are what really eat me up.
Today is my birthday and I have received many birthday wishes; of which I do feel grateful for. I had also been invited out for a get together with friends and I turned it down. My answer is simply, I feel safer at home. Yet, my heart hurts. My heart hurts because I miss having a hug or kiss from someone who cares for me. My boyfriend is away visiting his family. This is our third Christmas of having to do this and each year it is getting much harder on me. More than I realized.
I went to the grocery store today and realized that the busyness of the parking lot and the music in the store, made me feel broken inside; the reality of realizing how alone and dead inside I feel.
I have come go realize I am alive for my animals. I am their mom and they depend on me. I realized that if I took my life, that I could be dead in my home for a number of days and no one would know, and my animals would be scared and become very hungry. It wouldn’t be pretty.
I don’t talk about things like that, I don’t like to. I don’t want people to know that part of me even exists.
Shame….god even seeing the word makes my stomach turn.
I found this quote and it resonates with me:
Toxic shame, on the other hand, isn’t about making a mistake. It’s about feeling like you are a mistake: intrinsically bad based on the fact that you exist. If other people find out about your “badness,’ they will surely leave you. Toxic shame can come from parents who criticized their children and made them feel unworthy of being loved; or perhaps the child didn’t get affection, empathy and validation from their primary caretakers.
The last sentence structure is what really hit home with me.
Toxic shame can come from parents who criticized their children and made them feel unworthy of being loved; or perhaps the child didn’t get affection, empathy and validation from their primary caretakers.
That is exactly how I feel.
Suddenly, my heart just dropped even more from being surrounded safely inside my left breast. Its all starting to come together. How am I going go get through this?
I have been self harming a lot today and ever since C left for his vacation. I know I need to be caring about me, but I just don’ seem that important to me. I realize now it is because I feel shame. I feel shame that my toxic family, has never made me feel wanted, appreciated and most importantly loved.
I have no idea what to title this blog.
I have been feeling progressively more and more within and down.
Tomorrow is my 44th birthday, I don’t have any plans and even if I did, I’m not sure I would do anything, because I don’t want to leave my house or my pets. They make me feel loved and appreciated.
Some will say I put my pets before my partner or even myself and I openly admit I do. Call it transference if you want. However, when you have lived a life of chaos, drama, and so much anger that you do not know if you ever going to come out of it, my pets have stood by me, supported me, licked my tears away when they fell down my face. Unconditional love is something I have starved for my entire life.
In therapy we talked about my family dynamic. I have no emotion at all. I talk like it is a story, condensed and forthright. I do own what is my contribution and I have never denied that. If I have memory lapses, which is to do with dis-associative disorder and not me seeking attention or blaming someone other than myself! If you are wondering if I have heard that sentence before, I have, more times than I can count.
Today I am flat, but my heart feels heavy. I’m tired and wonder if maybe tears will fall down my face, probably not because for some reason I seem to have lost the ability to feel. Or maybe it is just around the topic of family and the losses around it??
My psychiatrist appointment has been booked for March 2013. Yes, it is a few months away, but it is a start, I for one can’t wait, I want to get off the meds I’m on as they clearly are not helping me and probably haven’t for years.
I’ve been thinking of my distress tolerance tools that I very recently put together. I have lit a candle and some incense in the hopes the smell will soothe my inner voice and the light of the candle, flickering will cast shadows that will dance on my wall. I did pick up some shortbread cookies as I have always loved them, as well as a container of mixed nuts. Mixed nuts were a family favorite at Christmas.
I’ve not decorated, I don’t know the last time I did. Other than a string of lights in the kitchen, which I put up as a hope of finding the spirit of the Holidays. I’ve not picked up or out any holiday gifts, who would I buy for? When I shop for someone, I do so with personality in mind, as well as how our dynamic is. I can’t shop for my family, if I have nothing to do with them, I feel like I am lying to myself, and again doing so makes me think I am yet again seeking their approval and that is something I do NOT need. Everything I have accomplished I have done so on my own, without any support, so why lie to myself now?
I remind myself I am not alone, that there are unfortunately too many people in this world who are alone for the holidays. This is also one of the highest times for suicide and attempted suicide. I know I’ve seen an increase in that, all you need to do is watch the news and notice the increase in violence to realize that is what is happening.
I’m so tired, its been a hard week; with the conclusion of my SAFE group, with my boyfriend leaving for his home town, my birthday tomorrow and of course the top off of the Season… Christmas.
I’ve been thinking of going to the cemetery and place some flowers on there for everyone. Spend some time in the peace and quiet of nature that surrounds the cemetery. I struggle though with going, but it seems I struggle with everything right now.
I am reminding myself that at least I have learned a few tools, and perhaps I could touch on them, work on them. Maybe read some of my book, but it feels like I have completely lost interest in learning right now.
Apparently a band aid is already pulling away and my hairs on my body are going with them….
Today I finished 18 months of weekly therapy.
I expressed in my final session how I feel like my true work is only just begun. That out of the last 30 weeks, 20 of them I have been more angry as I began to tap into beliefs and challenged on those very same beliefs. I’ve only just started to consider and explore the other avenues that need work and growth.
I posted on my Facebook status
Feeling sad and teary, its an odd emotion, when it has been locked up a long time.
Friends commented with loving support and guidance. Then, to my very pleasant surprise, Mr. John Bradshaw commented!
John Bradshaw The act of crying triggers hormones that help normalize the brain. Cry and don’t let anyone stop you. Release the pain, grief and sadness.
For those not familiar with John Bradshaw’s work, You can read more about him and his work here: http://www.johnbradshaw.com/. I’ve read some of his books, and his work ethics I have had been privileged to sit in a few discussion sessions to watch his many videos.
I did reply to John’s comment:
John Bradshaw thank you for commenting on my post. In reply to your comment about crying, the emotion I am feeling right now is a heavy weight on my chest, the tears feel stuck in my throat, but nothing is coming from within. Its like carrying around a heavy sand bag. I did go and self sooth with a warm shower and lit some incense and I also tried to do my puzzle, nothing seems to be shifting this feeling.
I know it is a combination of finishing my program today as well as my boyfriend leaving yesterday for his hometown for the Christmas holiday season. I don’t have any plans for my birthday or for Christmas. I don’t have anything to do with my family. I also feel very guilty if I go somewhere and leave my pets behind. I don’t like to leave them, I actually feel more comfortable being in their company. I did practice some distress tolerance, but I didn’t any success this time. I am, however, going to lay down with my dogs and cuddle with one of them.
I am not sure if this heaviness will lift, perhaps it isn’t supposed to until I am able to cry and release the emotions? I really don’t know. What I do know is tomorrow is another day and I plan on staying in. The weatherman is calling for a significant dumping of snow around here and it is amazing how my town just stops moving altogether.
Well I just lashed out at my boyfriend.
His parents called on skype, wanting to finalize his landing details etc. He is going home for the holidays. He has 2 little girls and he will see them for Christmas. In light of recent events on Friday, I don’t blame him for wanting to be with his daughters.
His mother wanted to say “hi” to me and I said no. My boyfriend had his headphones on and I could hear her. I told him to tell them, I am not happy that he is leaving and yet again I am on my own. So his mother pressed and he told them. Not long after he hung up with them, and I said “it isn’t like anyone effin’ understands what I go through. That his family doesn’t give a crap about me, all they care about is him and him alone. That I don’t do the “be nice” crap. He got up and I said I’m sorry, I suppose I could be more sympathetic, but I just can’t and he replied that he wishes there was something he could do to make things better. He then came in and asked if he could make me some tea and I said no, I don’t want anything.
I haven’t written much this week and I have mixed feelings about it.
On one hand I seem to write after I’ve had a session, weather it be in my weekly group session or in my new one on one therapy sessions. I know my thoughts have been scattered and I’ve been really working on focusing on my emotions, especially my anger.
I’d like to talk a little about today’s tragedy in Connecticut.
I won’t go into graphic detail, I don’t need to rehash what has been scene on social media sites or on television and radio. What I do want to talk about is how I am feeling and the correlation of my emotions and reactions.
When I first heard what happened today, I was in disbelief and confusion, obviously like so many of us, grasping at the information that began pouring out of our televisions, radios or social media sites.
As I started to grasp the events unfolding, I found my heart beating faster and the pit of my stomach feeling sick. I realized I wasn’t going to be able to listen or watch the various channels on television. I muted my television for a while. I just couldn’t handle the chatter of the various media outlets. I felt all the sensationalism growing by the second and it started to make my head hurt inside. The voices in my head began to get really busy, mixing with the nattering that I had heard on the television. I went to my computer, not hoping for anything in particular other than perhaps being able to get lost in an online game.
I decided to go and work on my current puzzle, usually that occupies my mind and helps me regain focus. Unfortunately, not only was my head busy with the traffic, it was competing with the tree fallers outside, who were taking down a very large tree which was a house down and the company truck and chipper were parked right in front of my place.
So, now my head is busy, my surroundings are loud and my dogs are anxious. This is not helping me to regain balance. In fact, things are getting worse. I say to my boyfriend, maybe if I find a comedy or classic movie on television, I will feel better. No such luck!
I referred to my DBT book and where I was working on homework wise. I was working on Distress Tolerance and going over situations on how to distract myself during stressful times. I admit reading the sections seemed to help. Seeing suggestions and owning which ones I would commit to, helped me realize that I will be able to cope better. It may be slow, but it can happen.
After a few minutes, I put my DBT book down, no longer able to focus on the task in front of me. I’m tired and drained. I had to focus my energy on my dogs, who were all out of sorts. I put on their thunder jackets, hoping to settle them down. I’m wanting to be the best parent I can be, because I have to. Having a mental illness, doesn’t give me permission to be lacks in my duties.
I think tonight, I’m going to have a warm shower or bath, continue with my lit candle and light some incense. Today is also the 1 year anniversary of my beloved Rizzo’s death. I sent a prayer to Rizzo earlier today, not only to honor him but to ask him to help the new lost souls from today’s tragedy. See, Rizzo absolutely loves children and adults. I can guarantee that he would have greeted everyone with a big stick, a wagging of his tail and a happy bark.
I love this quote!
Coquitlam Friends!!! Keep an eye out for this senior girl. Mama helped with a recent rescue of her (last weekend) and she became spooked on her walk. (we aren’t sure what she was spooked over, possibly fireworks in the area) She is new to the area, no ID or name tag are on her. She has a medical condition and is very new to the area. She will be afraid. I can tell you she is a gentle soul, just very scared. If you see her please contact @Susan Patterson 604-722-8550 or your closest animal shelter. Please help us find her. Thank you!
ANNIE WAS SPOOKED TONIGHT WHEN SHE WAS OUT FOR HER WALK.HER FOSTER HOME IS IN COQUITLAM SHE WIGGLED OUT OF HER COLLAR AND TOOK OFF BETWEEN 7:30 & 8:00 PM SHE WAS LAST SEEN AT CHILCO & LOUGHEED ON KEETS DRIVE.
is on the case to help find Annie as well. They suspect she is running which makes sense. Poor girl is scared, confused and lost. We are all very concerned as she has a medical condition and requires daily medication.
Finding My Way Back To Myself 