Understanding Friendships

Its been a learning experience over the years; learning who are friends and who are not. 

I know you give what you get, and having a mental illness has caused me to miss many social functions. Its been super hard to commit and to go from being a “maybe” to being more committed to attending.  I always take things very personally, which I have been learning is due to my troubles with being abandoned. When I see friends attending functions together without me, I take it personally. My negative thoughts start cycling in my head. The triggers set off, my heart starts to beat faster, my mood becomes snappy and bitchy. 

How do I get myself to stop making everything about me? I mean, it isn’t as if I could have attended last night, I was out helping with a transport rescue of 7 lil dogs that had arrived many hours past when they were supposed to, then delivering two to their new foster families. We didn’t get in til after 2am! Then we had to get up early and pick up the other pup who had been mistakenly taken away from his partner! 

So knowing that I couldn’t have attended last nights events, why does this bother me? 

Anxiety Attacks

I have been feeling this way since yesterday afternoon after 4pm. My heart races, my thoughts scattered, feelings intensified, hands clammy. Mine got worse as I was leaving to go to a BBQ with my boyfriend. He knew just by looking at me that something was wrong. I shared with him that I don’t know what specifically it is, although I have a few thoughts as to what could be the trigger. 

When I feel like this, there is very little anyone can do to help make the intensity calmer. I did share my feelings with our friends and with my boyfriend. But somehow that didn’t make it any better. I was offered a drink of alcohol to see if that would take the edge off, however, that didn’t work and I knew it wouldn’t; I wasn’t in the mood to drink. I wanted to crawl inside myself and hide, to find my safe place and rock back and forth. 

The evening progressed and we had our dinner, I ate very quietly and our hosts worked their magic with the bbq. Dinner was amazing! Yet even with the laughter and conversations, I still couldn’t shake the feelings of dread and inadequacy from my mind. Racing thoughts of nothing in particular, I felt hyper vigilant about every noise I heard. I could hear my dog Lucy every time she barked, she would then get the other two with her all riled up. After I tended to them, took them out, and spent some time with them alone, where I felt calmer with just them, I returned them to the car. Shortly thereafter I heard Lucy howl, I couldn’t handle all the commotion anymore. (We were sitting outside enjoying the evening, our friends and my boyfriend enjoying the hot tub (I am very uncomfortable with being in a bathing suit and having people see me), to which I didn’t participate in). 

We pack up and head home, dogs in tow, me and my anxiety to the point of me just wanting to be at home. I knew I would feel safe at home, no pressure, no noise. Just my fur kids and my guy. 

We get the dogs settled and I finally get into bed, I am on sitting up and I start rocking back and forth for a few minutes (for whatever reason when I feel anxious, I do this). I just wanted the feelings to go away, I wanted the anxiety to just stop rushing through me, my brain to slow down (if you were to ask me what was on my mind, I couldn’t even tell you anyways). 

I finally drifted off to sleep, woke up about 4 hours later and fell back asleep for about 3 more hours. This morning I felt somewhat calmer than I had been, but as the day has gone on, my anxiety level has increased once again. 

I feel frustrated over a situation I am helping out in, but I realize there is nothing I can do to make that go any faster than what it is. I am telling myself to just let it go, but I have responsibilities to people, phone calls to make and times to confirm again. I’ve already decided that next month we are taking a break from helping with transport for the rescue organization, I need to get me and my emotions in better balance, so that when things happen, and they do, that I don’t allow them to affect me like they have. 

In the meantime, I’ve got to get a grip on my feelings, I have people counting on me tonight.

Where’s My Snooze Button?

I have had very little. I was exhausted yesterday afternoon and I know this was due to doing too many errands and having them culminate when my day ended a few hours later. It was also post group drop Wednesday. Wednesday’s for me can be iffy mood wise depending on how intense group was, how involved I was in that session and how much sleep I got the night before. Throw all of them together and virtually no sleep last night, you have one very grumpy, mood swinging woman today. 

I have an acupuncture appointment this afternoon, I already know how I feel right now, but I am hesitant to outright cancel as I know I really want to go. However, my mind is scattered and my thoughts blank at times, this does not make a good combination for driving to where my acupuncture appointment is. I never used to think of stuff like that. How much or little sleep I got and my response time and clarity of my mind when on the road. 

My mood has been rageful, funny so has my dog as he attacked my cat this morning. Good thing I know them both well that with a rise in my voice (ok, yell) and he to his kennel, no harm done. I always forget my moods affect all around me; human and animal. 

I forced myself to do errands yesterday, primarily because my pets needed food, had it been anything else I wouldn’t have left my bed. Yet, I could hear a tiny voice pushing me to get going, to get on with my day. Somehow I don’t hear that voice getting very far with me today. My eyes are burning at the moment, another clue as to how exhausted I am.

I am anxious, my self-abuse and critic of myself is jacked up 110%. All these “little things”, that when I am feeling rested, are still there, but not on top of the pile. I know having insight is a great tool, now its the choice to either act on them, or simply acknowledge them, and remind myself to be very kind to myself, sleep if I want, and not to push myself so hard. (which I do fairly regularly). 

Letting Go

They say that sometimes all you need to do is change the words from one meaning to another. 

Today in therapy we were talking about Forgiveness. However, for many of us, to forgive we felt means that we are letting the other person “off the hook”.  Even though that is not what any of us were implying, that is what is felt among us. 

It was suggested that we change the word from forgiveness to “letting go”.  I struggle with “letting go”. I realized today that as much as I do not want to carry around the emotions I feel from my past, the moment they or any part of them are mentioned, I feel instant emotion…. in this case anger, hurt, fear, resentment. 

When it became time to conclude for today’s session, we are asked to talk about what we are taking away from the session as well as naming a positive word. Lately, I have been really struggling with taking something positive for me. I can name things I am happy about doing, but not about what I am happy to be taking with me from group. 

Back to the topic at hand… letting go. 

I feel this strangling vine around my heart, the more I work on “letting go” the more the vine wants to tighten around my heart. I heard something today that has really resonated with me:

You can’t expect to drink poison and watch the other person die

I took this to mean that I can’t expect to feel all the emotions that I do as a result of things I didn’t have control over and watch someone “die” from the results.  Yet, the fear is so consuming, how do I “let it go”. 

Members of my family have said to me over the years “you have to let the past go and move on”. The other thing that has been said to me is “your g.p brain washed you, if they didn’t you wouldn’t be this way”. I think what hurts the most is I have lived with BPD clearly since I was a young girl, then into teenage, young woman and now into my 40’s. I, like most people, didn’t sign this to be my dance card. I didn’t even know that this is what I had! 

What does “letting go” look like? Is it taking a page of a book and ripping it out, one page at a time? 

I realize that we all do the best we can with the tools we have, however, having said that, I feel like I am stuck. I recognize half of an equation, the healthier side and the other side is petrified to let go of all that she has ever known. 

Where do I find the middle ground and allow acceptance to come in 100%? 

I’ve been working on “me” for several years now, each time a layer of dysfunction is removed and replaced with “ah ha’s” the relief I have felt as the negative energy erases from my soul and shoulders, then turns to exhaustion from the years of holding those moments close to my heart.

*sigh*, I know I will probably write on this again, hopefully with some “ah ha’s” and replacement of dysfunction with positive love and light. I can see from the writing above, that I know where my “stuck” is, but it is the “letting go” that scares me. 

Living with BPD from The Inside

 

I thought I would write about what it is like to live with BPD. I have found as I research my disorder, I get overwhelmed with the medical jargon that is out there. Sometimes, just plain, simple “BPD for Dummies” would be an awesome book to have! 

So, what’s it like to wake up everyday? Well, some days are hard, I’ve had days where I woke up pissed off at the world and not have a clue why. I’ve not had a vivid dream in a while, so I can’t say it is because of a bad dream. I recently had blood work done and learned that my testosterone is very low which contributes to my moods. I am now working with a naturopath on healthy and safe ways to improve my body, so that my mind will feel balanced. 

I also had no progesterone in my body since my surgery. Imagine not having your doctor give this medication to you because he didn’t feel that it would really “do” anything or that “there was no written medical data” to confirm the benefits of using bio-identical progesterone compound. I can say, after a week of using the compound nightly, that I have started to feel “lighter” and my moods aren’t flying off the handle quite like they were. 

I’ve struggled for over a year since I had my hysterectomy; never knowing if my moods are to do with the results of the surgery, or if they were because of BPD. Ever tried to figure something out that wasn’t as simple as drawing it on a piece of paper and getting your answer? It’s annoying and very frustrating. However, at least now I have a stepping stone to help support my body, mind and spirit connection. 

My diet has changed as well. Gone are the days of anything with wheat, sugar, rice, pasta, breads,anything to do with chemicals. I’ve been eating a lot of flax-seed, walnuts, almonds, salads, beef, chicken and salmon as well as fruits. I have a new-found relationship with almond butter and apples together, YUM! What a great combination! Humus and Tzatziki sauces with cut up celery, carrots, cucumber replace the days of mindless eating. From my garden I have cherry tomatoes and large tomatoes that I have been eating as well, I eat them very happily as I know not one ounce of pesticide has been sprayed on them! 

The reason I mention all of the above is I have become acutely aware of how eating a very well-balanced diet will help my moods and how fast they swing. It by no means “cures” me, but along with getting sleep (something I do struggle with even now), I can only see positive benefits from this combination. 

I also learned I am dealing with adrenal fatigue, something that doesn’t surprise me, but knowing this helps me clear my head of feeling like I am slipping into a depression. It’s important for me to know what is happening with my body, so I don’t feel I have defeated the purpose of getting well. 

When it comes to my moods and BPD, fear and anger are two emotions that come to the surface when a trigger has been hit. Sometimes it is fear that surfaces first, other times it is anger. When I am angry, it is hard to remind myself of the steps I have been learning, to control that emotion and work through it. I’ve also realized that a lot of thought patterns are very ingrained in my mind. When I think about changing those negative thoughts and leaning towards the other options to use, I do become overwhelmed. Our therapists have recommended small steps to help with changing a thought pattern. I do have to remember that I’ve had my whole life to use the ways I have and now I am only learning and using bits and pieces towards healthier living. I’m bound to slip and fall from time to time. 

I know there is so much more that I could write today, but truth be told I am also coping with a nasty headache and would really benefit from being away from the monitor. 

 

Self Harm

 

Today we talked about this in group therapy. This is my 2nd of a total 3 rounds of this group and you know, I don’t really remember talking about this the first time I did this group. Funny, how this isn’t the first time I’ve had memory fogs about things, it actually annoys me into thinking I can’t remember the simplest of moments.

Talking about self harm (by the way, we don’t talk about the actual “act” of self harm, we just mention self harm), I began to feel quit warm and flushed. Especially when after the paragraphs were read, the floor was open for discussion. I started off with stating that prior to starting SAFE, I have never even heard of the words “self harm”, I didn’t even know there was such a label.  I have had trouble acknowledging that my self harm is an eating disorder, but I also learned today that I have other ways of self harm that I have done as well. I explained to the group that for me, when my anxiety became so high, that when I wanted to get the screaming that is going on inside my head and the words couldn’t come out of my mouth,  self harming was a way of helping to release those feelings. 

A therapist mentioned about having something to benefit from or gaining from doing self harm. I said, very honestly, that I have never seen a benefit to self harm. When I am in that moment, everything around me is numb. I don’t feel anything, I don’t hear anything or anyone. All I see is that moment. I don’t think about the future, or what my results will be if I act on my self harm. Other members agreed that they felt the same way. 

I shared a piece of what had happened just prior to me getting to group this afternoon. I was at home, getting ready for group. As I was getting dressed, I had commented in my room with the dog present, and my boyfriend down the hall in the kitchen, that I wondered how on earth anyone could love me, being that I am so fat. Just like that, no thought, no choosing of the words, just said them as they are and as I felt. My boyfriend had said a few seconds later “do you plan on talking about your self critic in group today?” I said “what are you talking about?” he said “you just said out loud that you wondered how anyone can love you being that you see yourself as fat. My answer is “I do”. 

I said to the group, that my actions are so ingrained, that I didn’t even hear what I had said, or what I was thinking. While it is true that I bash myself on a regular basis, to see it the way he sees it, I have never done.  I said to the group, that it is hard to even consider changing a thought pattern, especially when it has been a coping skill for as long as mine has. The therapist had said that he could see that “fear” creep in our eyes and our anxiety rise, at the mere thought of having to change our thoughts and behaviors in order to make ourselves free to embrace a healthy way of thinking and living. 

A few of us openly said that the new concept scared the daylights out of us. There is a huge fear around that sort of thing, even though many of us know that the end result of our actions is not a good one, it is one we are familiar with. I for one, don’t like the cycle I am on, yet it terrifies me to take it away. How bizarre is that? You know it is not healthy and it is dysfunctional, yet to change it for something that can bring you peace and understanding, seems scary?  I call it twisted thinking. 

In our paperwork for today’s session, there is a page on the topic of creating a soothing journal, something to write our emotions in and to take the tools we have been learning and applying them to our moments of wanting to self harm. The concept is to help extend the fuse of anxiety so that you don’t self harm. 

I will think about starting a soothing journal/blog once I understand the concept better.

 

Finally, there is an answer!

So I got my blood and saliva results from my naturopath today.  I’ve been struggling as most of you know for over a year since I had my total hysterectomy. Well now I know why I have gained the 35-40 pounds, my emotional ups and downs (its not only just from my BPD although that has certainly added to my problems). Turns out I have adrenal fatigue!

My blood work and saliva tests showed that my testosterone is very low hence no libido and my emotions being more of a super short fuse (anger and frustration mostly) and I have far too much estrogen in my body, that includes taking Premarin. I told my naturopath today about how angry I have been, and that there are times where I wake up in the morning just full of rage and frustration. When I try to figure out why, I have absolutely no answer! She knows about my BPD and the healing I have been working on through therapy. 

My T3 reverse test (it is done via blood draw) has been storing versus using energy, hence the weight gain! My T4 is excellent (which as she explained, is WHY my family doctor didn’t do the blood test for the T3’s etc, that and our medical system no longer covers that test UGH! As my boyfriend said, “you mean you may not have had to endure the difficulties you have, on top of dealing with living with a mental illness, if the government covered a simple blood test?” I said, seems so! Thankfully my DHEA is good, my AM Cordisol is good but my evening Cordisol test is very low.

So we are going to start with using the Premarin every other day, til I am weened off of it and then I will go on a bioidentical compound. I also have NO progesterone, so I have a bioidentical compound that I will use on 3 spots of my body every night (wrists, inner arm, and inner thigh). I will be eating nothing to do with whites, so no sugars (yuck anyways lol), no white rice, pasta, breads. I have to eat a lot of dark leafy green veggies etc.. 

As for how long til I feel like myself, she said it will take awhile. But I am far more hopeful than I have ever been, as this also helps my mental state as well, in terms of understanding. If anyone else can relate, just to let you know you aren’t alone ♥

Splitting my Power

I was struggling a lot in therapy yesterday. We were talking about Personal Power and what it meant to each of us. As I heard other’s comments, I could literally hear my other voice in my head saying a lot of negative things. I tried to remain open to the idea of what was being suggested; that Personal Power is a good thing. 

I felt the anger that I have felt for the last few days, bubbling inside of me. My thoughts pushing out the positive words and replacing them with “they are only trying to change your mind”, “that Personal Power is another way to control you”. 

I spoke to the group about what I was experiencing; I figured that the trigger happened when another person had commented about having consequences for pushing power. She said “what if you have learned that if you pushed power, you pay the price for it?” (not verbatim). The terror she felt was evident and I could feel the anxiety in myself rise. 

I learned about consequences for pushing power as a child, teen and adult. Now any time I hear the word Power, I instantly think control; when that happens my anger rises and may back hackles go up.  I realize that letting go of something is terrifying for me. 

I told the group that I feel like I am splitting inside my head. I feel like all I have ever known, created and survived by is being challenged.  One side of my head is pushing all I know, I hear the voices saying to me that Personal Power is just another means of trying to control me. I find myself wanting to wander back to what I know, even though I know the outcome for most of those thoughts and experiences, they are familiar to me; I know how some if not all will turn out. 

Personal Power, as I am trying to understand, is not about control, it is about being in control of your own power; your own independence; your own life. 

Feeling split in my mind happens sometimes every single day. It is a fight sometimes just to get up in the morning. 

I spoke with the therapist after our session and expressed to her a lot of what I have written here. She summed up that for the small amount that she knows of me, she completely understands the anger and frustration I feel. She also said that its hard to remember that for all of my life I have lived one way of existence. When one introduces a new opportunity, it will take time to adjust and accept what applies and works for me. But remember I’ve lived one way for a very long long time and that the only hope is that I take away tools that will help me live a better life. 

Right now, for me, a sense of balance would be nice. 

 

Strong Person Award

I would like to thank a Day In the Life of a Busy Gal…    http://showard76.wordpress.com/2012/08/24/strong-person-award/#comment-6720 for bestowing this honor. I’d also like to thank  The Quiet Borderline for creating an award for all the blogging mentalists out there. Both of you are inspirations to me!

Here are the rules for accepting the Strong Person Award:

1. Make sure to add in the text (below) and image (above) to spread the love and add how little or how much you want!

You heard me right! You are not weak, you are strong. You are not a failure, you are a fighter! This goes out to all mentalists. And it’s a gift from The Quiet Borderline to you all – Please spread the love. Mental health is not something to be sneered at and it deserves much more respect. Stop the stigmatizing.

2. Name your diagnoses – Stand loud and proud! You can tell us a little about them also if you’d like. How you’re affected by these diagnoses and how you are fighting your way out of them. (see below)

3. Add a photo of yourself, or some abstract picture that represents you, anything you like! (below)

4. Send this on to as many, yes, as many, people that you like. It can be five, ten, fifty. (below)

I have a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder; diagnosed in 2010 after many years of being told I had chronic depression and anxiety. Once I had the proper diagnosis, everything started to make sense to me.  I’ve been in therapy for over a year now and am starting to see slow improvements.

Finally to present the award to as many deserving mentalists as possible – first of all I want to say if you haven’t yet received this award or are not on the list below then please accept this award for yourself now as well, it is for all of you! 

http://surfacingaftersilence.wordpress.com/

http://memorybearsbybonnie.wordpress.com/

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

http://widowspath.wordpress.com/

http://stevegoldsack.com/

Questioning my Identity

For most of my life, I’ve always been identified by my body. I silently struggled with eating disorders, but never said a word to anyone. As the years have gone on, the intensity has only heightened.

Everything about who I am has been measured by food scales, tape measures, weight loss meetings, extensive exercising and journalling. When that didn’t work, I resorted to ephedra, hydroxicut and other means of fast weight loss. I’ve worked out for many hours, for many days beyond 5 days a week. When I trained for karate, my heart soared with the spirit, a true passion for something deeper than myself. 

Yesterday in SAFE, we talked about the Pathological Critic, during my group session one of the members had commented about her own observation surrounding being overweight. She said she recognizes that she is a good person, is smart, but does need to lose some weight. I realized upon hearing this, that after a few seconds, this resonated with me, but not in the way that it did for her. 

You see, for me, the Pathological Critic has run my life, my entire life. I remember being 12 years old and having an exercise magazine under my bed and every night doing the exercises in the magazine. I remember using the tape measure regularly. I also remember my mom having a scale to measure her food when she was wanting to lose weight. I don’t know any other way of life. 

I feel very defeated and lost today. My core rocked, and even though it is dysfunctional and not healthy, it is what I know.  I don’t have an identity. I know that during our group we talked about finding other things we are good at, and focusing on those. As much as I know how loving I am to animals and true to my friends, the Pathological Critic takes over all thoughts, all emotions and feelings. 

People have complimented me, have shared how they admire me, all positive words and thoughts. I shy away, I have worked on saying “Thank You” for years now and although I am genuine to give support to those in need, to give support to myself, seems wrong. 

So…. where does a person go from here? What does a person do when their core belief of who they “think they are”  and you have no idea what is underneath. You have no idea WHO the person is, or her Identity? While it is true that life hasn’t been great, and at times down right miserable, that there has to be something better than what I’ve experienced so far? 

The feelings I feel today are heavy, my entire life feels as though it has been a lie. I wish I could go back to birth and minus the behaviors I have developed, exchange those for the true person I am. 

Fear has damaged a lot of my life. Abandonment sends me into complete chaos. I don’t want this  running my life anymore. 

What do these new steps look like? What will I look like?