Under the Grief….. Anger

Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

How do you come to terms?

How do you come to terms that the people who are supposed to take care of you, to love you, to protect you, abandoned you?

I’ve carried this anger, rage, hostility, hurt, sadness, disappointment all my life. I’ve attended numerous groups, coping with change, anger, depression and anxiety, body image, building compassion, I’m sure there are more, but I can’t remember them at this moment.

Until yesterday when I started another new group. A person who I’d never met before, reminded me of my family of origin. The way she looked, her mannerisms, even similar way of what she wore. In all my time of doing group therapy, this is the first time this has happened. I can’t help but feel it is the universe (for those of you who are of spirit belief such as myself) suggesting that it is time for me to start to deal with my feelings, so I can put this to rest and truly work on healing.

Feelings, they scare me. The idea of digging deep within myself, and discussing what really hurts, followed by whatever comes up, whether it be tears, fear, gut wrenching heartache, makes me fear that if my emotions are allowed to come to the surface and I am vulnerable, that those emotions will not stop, and that I will be left with the clean up, however that looks.

We talked about this yesterday and I learned that even though I feel this way, this won’t happen. Our bodies go in ebbs and flows. However, I think this is just going to take some time and learning to trust for me to feel safe.

Bright Lights Home

Last night on Dancing With Stars, yes its a guilty pleasure once in awhile lol, I enjoyed watching Bindi Irwin and Derek Hough performing a contemporary dance to “Every Breath You Take”.  I found myself welling up in tears as Bindi recounted her memories of her father Steve Irwin. Let me tell you from the moment they stepped onto the floor, you could feel the raw honest and innocence being presented.

Half way through their dance, they flowed across the floor to which lights lit up around them and I “got it”, Bindi and Derek were dancing to her dad! I instantly started to cry because I thought of my own dad and how much I have lost without him here and how much I miss him and the significant loss that has impacted me.

Thank you Dancing With the Stars, Bindi and Derek for opening this path for me with the Bright Lights Home.

Bright Lights Home

Improvements and positive changes

Ugh! I have been sick for almost a week, went to the doctor…. yep sinus and laryngitis YIPPEE! NOT!

Its a challenge because my eating disorder starts gnawing inside my head about how I need to continue to exercise even while sick, that taking care of me is not acceptable. This is the same behavior I had when I worked full time. My mental health has always taken a seat behind everything else; just like my childhood and most of my adult life I’ve always belittled myself, or others have, thankfully I am recognizing more the signs and now I work on compromising more with myself. Its still hard to not give into my eating disorder, but I just have to keep practicing healthy behavior and communicate as much as I can.

Next week is Thanksgiving, not sure what we are doing yet, if anything at all. I’m thinking of asking my girlfriend what she and her son are doing; maybe we co combine and have a dinner.  Holidays become hard for me as they probably do for many; I am going to try very hard to focus on what I can do, even when my social anxiety/isolation kicks in; when that happens, it really feels like the walls are closing in on me. Depression also happens, and that is one that I have struggled with for many years. I am hoping the tools I am learning, combined with making sure to take my dogs out everyday helps me to get fresh air and some kind of exercise. I do miss using my treadmill right now, I’m hoping once my medication is more into my system, that I can go back to it later in the week.

My psychiatrist removed one of my medications last week, I’ve just started to not take it, but I am encouraged that I am down one less mood medication; I already take 2 now plus that one previously.

So one step in front of the other……

Let It Go

Let it go ~~

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
Let them walk.

I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.

Their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.

You’ve got to know when it’s dead. You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye.

It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ..
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth…
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction
LET IT GO!!!

If you’re stuck in the past
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship….
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
LET IT GO!!! ॐ heart emoticon

T. D. Jakes
Photography : Jaime Ibarra

Get Out!

I’m  tired of feeling so much anger and rage inside that it spews out like venom.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control even though I am told I can get control.

I’m tired of feeling exhausted from all the crap that has been flying around me the last 3 or 4 days. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I’m tired of feeling the pain and heartache of things I didn’t ask for nor had control of.

I’m tired of feeling short fused, to the point that I want out of my own skin.

GET OUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY!

I started to work on trust with my therapist and it brought up some very painful, uncomfortable feelings for me. I realize that if I want to get through to the other side of life, I have to work through this, but to be honest, having an argument, seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist in one day and then today was my eating disorder group, too much has been stirred up.

Plain and simple GET OUT!

He’s Dead …. next

I heard those words, just like that, for the first time in my life. It hit me hard.

I’ve always said my father passed away, I guess it just sounded softer than “he’s dead”. My last couple of blog entries have been about loyalty and betrayal. I even had a moment of tears well up, when asked what was I feeling, I said that I was feeling tired, tired of the confusion, tired of feeling sad, hurt, angry and any other emotion that doesn’t come out very often.

It’s hard to see that the only person I would be betraying is myself, I’ve always felt the complete opposite.

I’m working on accepting what was said to me and I know that at some point, I will go forward for me.

Feeling the BPD and Bipolar

Well life sure has its ups and downs. I’ve had a roller coaster lately that’s for sure. After my laptop crapped out, I was relying on my cell phone for my social media connection and let me tell you I’ve done a blog off of it before and decided it wouldn’t happen again lol.

So my 6 month group came to an end this past Wednesday and i’ve felt several waves of emotions. The ladies I spent time with are wanting to get together weekly, to be honest, I’m not optomistic that will go on for long, but I know that it will be a good thing for it to continue. We all need support.

Bipolar and BPD have flared with all the overwhelmed feelings I have had going on. I’ve been obsessive compulsive with everything and it has been a huge trigger with my eating disorder. I am grateful I have a friend from my eating disorder program who I reached out and we talked it through.

My partner leaves on Monday for about a month, its a yearly trip but not one I am to thrilled with.

I’ve been really busy with a fundraiser for an abandoned dog and am really hoping he will get the surgery he needs.

I’m hoping to write more often now that I have a new laptop there is a lot to update on, but I am not up to typing everything right now.  Oh and our family doctor closed his practice and we went and saw a referred physician and they called us on Friday and said that they didn’t have time that they felt we would need. I have no idea what the hell means, except I don’t do well with being left hanging, granted I don’t need a family doctor like I once did, but I still want one for other things.

Right now I’m about adjusting to all these changes and they are difficult to say the least.

What Forgiveness is Not

I have come to realize forgiveness is not an easy task. I have come to realize that there are many things I can forgive, but there are core issues that I hold so tight, they scare me.

So I admit I have A LOT of work to do.

Below is a list of what forgiveness is not provided in a recent session I was in.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. So nothing has been able to turn back the clock and remove the unpleasant incidents from your life histories, and forgiveness will not do that either.  We cannot forget, nor should we. Those experiences, and even the pain caused, have a great deal to teach us, both about not being victimized again and about not victimizing others.

Forgetting is not condoning. In fact, true forgiveness cannot occur while we are in any way denying, minimizing, justifying or condoning the actions that harmed us.

Forgiveness is not absolution. When we forgive the people who hurt us, we d not “let them off the hook”. They are still responsible for what they did and must make their own peace the past. What’s more, “I absolve you” are words spoken from atop our mountain of self-righteousness and demonstrate that we have not yet healed our wounds or let go of the pain from the past. They let us play God, a benevolent got this time rather than a punitive one, but still a god who judges then condemns or absolves the sinner. Absolution is just another way to be “one up” on the people who hurt us. And that is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not a form of self-sacrifice. Forgiveness is not swallowing our true feelings and playing the martyr. The “grin and bear it” approach forgiveness makes life less joyful and more difficult. Actual forgiveness has the opposite effect and cannot be undertaken halfheartedly. We either forgive or we don’t. Being honest about not being ready to forgive yet is better for us in the long run than pretending to forgive.

Forgiveness is not a clear-cut, one-time decision. It cannot be forced. Forgiveness happens naturally as a result of confronting painful past experiences and healing old wounds.

Exploring Your Ideal, Authentic and Actual Self

Boy was this is a deep and heavy group this morning! Some things are becoming clearer slowly.

When we look at our “ideal self” this is usually someone else’s view of how we are/should be, (supposed to act). Here is a list of examples for your Ideal Self:

IDEAL SELF

1. Don’t Cry
2. Hide Emotion
3. Deny her/him own feelings
4. “I’m strong/ I don’t need help”
5. Might think people don’t care about her/him
6. Unable to grieve
7. Fear of letting her/himself being loved

Authentic Self

The best way to describe this area is that you are able to express emotions.

1. You are able to love
2. You are able to grieve
3. You are able to feel (show) emotion
4. You are able to cry
5. You can feel safe
6. You can be vulnerable
7. You can let yourself be open to be comforted
8. You can feel happier
9. You can feel acknowledged

ACTUAL SELF

This is where one would ask themselves “who am I”, “who do I want to be?” This is where I find myself. I don’t know who I am, I know who I have been, and how life has changed over time albeit slowly.

1. Being able to compromise
2. May feel complicated
3. Could be striving
4. May be confused
5. Trying to find clarity
6. Feeling fear and frustration
7. Impatience
8. How to be (figure out) oneself