Under the Grief….. Anger

Its been a very hard week for me. I’ve seen more doctor’s than I have in a long while.

I went to the hospital earlier this week, as I couldn’t move my neck/shoulder area. I’d been trying with chiropractic and massage therapies and a visit to my family doctor – nothing helped. If anything it made it worse. I even bought a chiropractic pillow to help my neck and reduce tension etc.

At the emergency room at the hospital, it was determined I had an acute spasm of my trapezius, with the muscle tension travelling up to my neck and down my right shoulder.

As I was treated, I had to sit back and really think hard as to what why I am feeling this way. The first thing that came to mind is stress. There has been a huge amount of stress that someone has been dishing out and I decided today, that I am no longer accepting that drama; plain and simple, I come first.

During group, upon discussions surrounding grief, many emotions were spoken of, except one…. anger. For me, I’m angry that my father died, I’m angry that my mother didn’t protect me, I’m angry that my entire world turned upside down and I’ve carried this with me all my life, never knowing any other way to heal.  I feel the beginnings of emotions and I instantly want to stuff them down because that has been my safety mechanism.

I feel fear inside of me, not knowing how to explain the vulnerability I feel with my emotions. How will I know I have made peace? What will it look like?

Its very sad you know that no one in my family of origin supports me, contacts me, or even acknowledges the progress I’ve made. There is no genuine concern of the heartache I have endured. The years I would sit by the phone hoping for it to ring, to be invited to a family function and not because they read it on my blog.

I will not forgive the humiliation I received at my last family get together and after speaking to the persons in question, each verified it was a lie, the conclusion was to simply humiliate me; the same pattern I have lived with since I was a teenager.

I’m angry that I see my nephews grow up via social networking. I am angry that I am their blood and yet they know so little of me. I’ve held on to the hope that one day maybe, just maybe, they may spend some time with me, and learn who I am as a person. But this is not likely.

I’ve had to create a whole world without my family of origin because I deserve to be loved, to spend time with people who enjoy my company and where I “fit”. I don’t have to try to fit, or do things to make someone see that I’m alive. Those who I share my time with, love me for me, good and bad and for that I am eternally grateful.

After my cousin passed away from suicide 3 years ago, I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to heal. That my mental health will be and continues to be a priority. He struggled with a private hell, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I can only imagine the emotions and their intensity of them and how he wanted to get them out but couldn’t; so he turned to music. Something he flourished with.

So to end my blog for today, I would say that underneath my grief is anger and under my anger is intense fear and sadness. The progress to just admit this, is significant.

Namaste

Bad Reaction

I have had a set back a big one with my eating disorder recovery. I realize its a journey and there will be times when stuff like this happens, yet the difference is now I could see what was causing it, but I didn’t stop it.  I did admit in my eating disorder group what happened without going into detail as I didn’t want to trigger anyone. The facilitator said that its hard when a “wave” happens when we are trying to find a tiny piece of positive to take away from moments that are difficult.

As our session continued we talked about Body Image and all the different ways it affects who we are. I felt very intense emotions. We then went onto to talk about ways to make sure your child has a great body image. I shut down. I just couldn’t give any answers that would be positive because I struggled to even think what a positive body image comment would be.

I left feeling very angry, not wanting to talk to anyone; I just wanted to be alone.

When I got home, I was bitchy, obviously reactive still from our session. I started to work quickly in my garden, clearing my tomato plant leaves that are dead, checking the remaining plants, picking up pine cones and dead branches as well as planting my daffodils for next year. It always feels good when I am left alone in my element.

I guess that is what you would call being compassionate; something I am not very good at. I’m still stuck at the “you deserve it” voice code.

So how does one become compassionate with themselves? How does one accept that what is going on is a moment and that it is ok to go back to things that are old behaviors and are fine to use but not stay in? How is it ok to acknowledge how and what you are feeling, especially if you struggle with expressing your feelings? It’s not easy to put things into perspective, when your emotions are so intense that it is hard to remind yourself that this moment will pass; especially when it goes longer than “a moment”.

I know last night and today I have felt a lot of doubt. My thoughts and feelings definitely have wanted to give up. The one thing that came to mind is that I deserve to feel the way I do and the other was “go ahead, no one is going to know but me”. So you can see how difficult it is when there is no balance.

One of the things I often forget to do is BREATH. When I’m in the moment where I am triggered, I am so engaged with that thought, that breathing is the last thing I think of. I know that it has been suggested that I take a moment and take 3 deep breaths because it will help my mind and body to relax and to calm down.  Now if I can just remember to do that!

I don’t know about you, but I talk to myself; sometimes it is encouraging and empowering; last night/today “not so much”. I haven’t found a positive tool to go to when I talk to myself in a negative way. I don’t like talking to myself in front of a mirror,  I just know that as I learn new and continuing coping skills, I too will learn to love myself.

Get Out!

I’m  tired of feeling so much anger and rage inside that it spews out like venom.

I’m tired of feeling like I don’t have control even though I am told I can get control.

I’m tired of feeling exhausted from all the crap that has been flying around me the last 3 or 4 days. ENOUGH ALREADY!

I’m tired of feeling the pain and heartache of things I didn’t ask for nor had control of.

I’m tired of feeling short fused, to the point that I want out of my own skin.

GET OUT BORDERLINE PERSONALITY!

I started to work on trust with my therapist and it brought up some very painful, uncomfortable feelings for me. I realize that if I want to get through to the other side of life, I have to work through this, but to be honest, having an argument, seeing my therapist and my psychiatrist in one day and then today was my eating disorder group, too much has been stirred up.

Plain and simple GET OUT!

Borderline Personality Disorder and Transference

A couple of days ago I posted an entry called “Loyalty”. https://sexyonthedarkside.wordpress.com/2015/09/08/loyalty/ … if you haven’t had a chance to read it already.

I met with my therapist today as I really needed to do some inner core work on my confusion surrounding my loyalties and doing things that I would enjoy, but if I did, I feel like I am betraying them/that.

During my hour long session, I was realized that my past with my father’s death, being caught in the middle with my grandparents and my mother and the reality that deep down I am afraid that I am a failure to my core belief emotionally. I also believe I am not good enough. This is classic emotional regulation issues with people who have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Moving forward to present day, I was to begin a free week of martial arts, to see if I would like the style of the art. I froze and didn’t go. The anxiety and fear set in and caused my inner critic to make the decision for me because I believed I would be letting my former team mates down and that I wouldn’t be good enough at the new school.

I know, it doesn’t make sense to the one reading this, but this has been my way of thinking all my life trouble is, what I experienced as a child, doesn’t fit with my decisions as an adult.  The challenge now is to challenge those thoughts by stopping what I am doing and attempt to look outside of myself and really ask myself if what I am thinking truly makes sense. If it does, carry on; if it doesn’t, ask why.

Blogging, I will be doing this a lot more as it helps me to process (as I am right now).  I also want the ability to read what I have written to see if I can point out too myself my thoughts and what my emotions are causing me to react a certain way.  This is not going to be an easy process, after all I’ve had over 40 years of living with thoughts that I thought were “normal” and “rational”. Now, as I am doing this inner work, as hard as it is to face my demons, my therapist has assured me that what I am doing now, will be a whole lot easier than a lot of things I have had to deal with.

She knows I will hold to it!

I got lost

No worries, nothing bad happened to me.

I think with the tail end of my therapy groups, the very hot weather where I live, my spouse has been away for 7 weeks, plus changing my eating and exercising habits, I suddenly had no desire to write because I felt like I had nothing to contribute to the blogging sphere.

So today is the first time in a long time that I feel down. Hard to say exactly what has brought it on, but I am reminding myself that its ok to feel down, and pamper myself.

My garden has done ok, but my strawberries and sugar peas didn’t do well, the hot weather whithered them. Yet my cherry tomatoes and beef steak tomatoes are flourishing. I also have my very first green pepper growing!

I have started working with a new therapist. I’ve had 3 sessions with her and I’m just not sure about her. She isn’t into “talk therapy” she is more about working on the inside and bringing out the emotions that are trapped deep within me. She explained a lot to me yesterday about how we will go about things, which I understand better.

However, when we were booking my next session, the time she offered I said I couldn’t because I had a psychiatrist appointment. She commented if it was talk therapy and I said no, its more about medication checking, seeing how I am etc. She asked if he is open to me coming off of them, I said ultimately I would like that but I do realize that may not happend and I am truly at peace with that. I told her I am bipolar II and that I have been diagnosed borderline personality. She said she doesn’t work with labels and that they don’t exist. I said of course they do, its genetic in my family. She replied that when a person is in love or is sad, we don’t medicate them do we? I said no, but that is completely different.

I exercise everyday and I know i have an addiction, yet it has also helped me in many ways.  i feel more energetic, I get out of the house and take my dogs to an off leash park three to four times a week weather depending. I’ve joined weight watchers and it has really improved my way of eating and the support group is my favorite activity. I am encouraged when others overcome an obstacle I may be going through or may go through at some point. I’ve started becoming more aware of what my body does when I am overtired, how it craves surgar and how my eating disorder will play into that.

I have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow to be re-entered into the eating disorder program. This is my second time going into it. I’m ok with that because now I am familiar with some of what is covered so it won’t be so overwheming. Its still for 18 months.

So tell me, what’s new with you?

Disassociation

I’ve known for many years that I disassociate. What this means is I don’t feel much other than anger/rage and anxiety. I haven’t cried in so long, that I can’t even tell you the last time, probably when my dog Rizzo passed away and that was about 4 years ago.

I realized yesterday at my group, that it is very possible I, in terms of the years of abuse I endured, have a subconsciou fear that the pain will happen again. I have layers of dissappointment, which I have transferred to many of my relationships in my life, even the unhealthy ones. I would unconditionally trust right off the bat, instead stepping in slowly and learning about one another. I realized that this behavior comes from not having my needs met as a child. I don’t wish to blame my childhood for everything that makes/made me who I am, but connecting the dots does help.

I will be doing some one on one therapy with this because I have layers of deep emotion/grief that I would like to work through.

I like to see this as growth.

The Sting

You know I’ve never denied that I have “blank” spots in my memory. In fact, I try very hard to remember as much as I can. Years of mental, physical, emotional abuse caused my brain to “protect” my traumatised thoughts. Every now and again, when there isn’t a traumatic event and the place is calm and safe, I may have a memory return; sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Today’s happened to be in a place not expected, but then most aren’t where I expect them to happen. I’m not going to get into all the how’s and wherefores, let’s just say it came from a place I never dreamed of. My past has a way of creeping up on  me, when I least expect it. When something is brought to my attention, depending on what it is, can depend on how I will respond.

I was a very messed up, confused teenager. I did not have a diagnosis like I do now. I made plenty of mistakes and many choices were made as a result of the dysfunction in my home as well.  I was not stable, I know this now. When words are said to me that go back to that place, it feels like a “nail into my heart”. I felt ashamed that my past was that bad and moreso when I was reminded.

The sting felt far and wide inside of me; I contacted a friend who has been in my former group programs and we bounced it off one another. I just needed that person to help me filter and process it.

Words can sting especially when all one needs to do is “open mouth and insert foot”.

Unspoken Voice

Your rigid views challenge me everyday

I realize I have been this way for a long time.

I hear your voice saying “oh there’s a jiggle” as you grab my inner thigh. I am embarrassed that you would do such a thing.

Now to this day as my weight is a bit higher, I hear your voice as my thighs touch a bit when walking down a hall.

Today I am learning that I am worthy of love

Today I am worthy of self compassion

Today I am worthy of healing

Sleep

Insomnia, it has me by the eyes. I’m exhausted all day, to the point that I fall asleep with a short 20 minute nap at some point during the day. If not, my eyes burn and water with no energy to do anything; I hate it.

The affect it happens to my body is huge, I have no concentration more like limited; stress level is high and my depression is definitely at its worst.

I reflect on why I am struggling and I know it is because of the month of December, holidays, etc. I just hope it goes away soon, It feels like it won’t. I’ve brought it up to my psychiatrist more than once, but he doesn’t say anything; so I don’t know if he is making note of it, or not hearing me.

I know what I feel is real and it is a disorder, but I would give anything for a regular night of sleep.

Fractured

As the holidays have come to a close, my unbalanced mental state will start to return to a sense of calm.

I don’t wish to whine about all the negative things that have happened. I just want to figure out how to create a life wherein moments such as holidays don’t affect me like they do. That when they do happen (and they will), my “go to” place mindfulness will become so automatic that the emotional rage that often spews out of my mouth will be less.

I saw my psychiatrist this week and he says I am fractured (emotionally), meaning I don’t have balance. I like companionship but as much as I like it, when there is change I just can’t seem to handle it and retreat to living in a means of my own world. I shut down, I isolate and generally feel miserable. He asked me if I had been binging and I said that I had been. In fact I feel the vicious circle yet again. Before the holidays I was doing ok, holidays hit and I stuff my anger with food late at night and starve all day.

I went to my eating disorder support group which I was late showing up because I forgot about it. 3 weeks is a long time in a break, all of us were emotionally charged with everything that had happened for ourselves. I felt ashamed after i shared how my holidays went. I felt like I had over shared. I was told I hadn’t, but that others knew what I meant because at times they have felt that way too. I get really uncomfortable when someone in the group is incredibly upset is experiencing panic attacks and wants to leave once group is over, that person bolts. Even though I am hoping her feelings aren’t anything to do with me and what I shared, its those intense emotions that play in my head.

I am so exhausted, right now I can be wide awake til 230 am and be tired all day usually on 4 hours sleep; have dinner and by 7 to 830ish I am falling asleep. Once I get through that, its like I suddenly perk up again and will be awake well into the night. It isn’t a case of not taking my medications as I do every night. Part of it is a show I had been watching online, but even so, given that I can log in to watch it, I don’t think that is entirely all of it. I find when I force myself to go to sleep, my brain is busy, and my body restless. I hear every little thing, the smallest of sounds and I wake up. Its annoying.

Every night I reflect on things to be grateful for. It does help to write that out, as it shows me that life isn’t all negative and worthless. But honestly, I do struggle with OCD and I have it set in my brain that I must write 5 things to be grateful every night. No one has told me to write 5 things, in fact it has been suggested I write every other day as things will come easier to me. But I still write every night. Its like I enjoy punishing myself mentally.